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For the first time in a very long time I am having panic attacks and can not seem to move to get anything done. I am having nightmares about my parents which has not happened in years. It is almost as if all of a sudden all my energy and ability to keep fighting has left me.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I am the parent, I am suppose to be able to face life and figure out which way to turn next.
I grew up believing you have faith in God. I try to keep telling myself it is all in God's plan. Doubt has now become my friend, am I making the wrong decisions? Which way do I turn, where do I go. I guess it really makes me angry that my ex has family, brothers and sisters people in his life. I have no parents, no brothers or sisters no one to turn to for advice no where to go, no one who cares. I have my kiddo's which I love so much. However, I can not turn to them for advice, I do not even like for them to see me scared or cry.
Even though one of my children is an adult and my three girls are all teenagers, they look to Mom to do what is right, make the right decisions. I have tried so hard to take the high road the past three years and now I do not even care. I do not want to answer the phone when he calls, I do not want to see or talk to him. Though he was abusive the 20 years of our marriage, I hate him for leaving. Walking away not caring about the children he brought into this world. I hate myself because I should have been able to do something to make my marriage work. I hate myself for not seeing who he was before I married him. I hate myself that I get up everyday and look into the eyes of my kids and know that I no longer have the ability to trust my decisions. How can I trust my decisions when I messed up the most important decision you can make in life marriage.
I know that I should lay my head on the pillow each night and trust God that he is in control. Yet, my faith was shattered in one moment. It is stupid, a simple thing like a repair on a motorhome and I loose all my ability to function.
I know I am rambling and none of this makes much sense. I can not seem to get my thoughts together correctly or in order.