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“I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn’t one I’ll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it’s worth it.”
— Elizabeth Wurtzel
Wondering if it's worth it is taking it's toll on me.
Pretty much sums up my day today, as far as how my emotions have been. Fighting really hard right now to not give up and give in and end things. And I've been fighting some pretty strong urges, trying to keep myself from SI'ing. And trying to keep myself here, on this planet.
The other day I wrote about bargains, and the fact that I have made a current bargain, one to keep me on the planet. And I am about at the end of that bargain, and I'm really trying to convince myself to extend that bargain.
I just don't know how much longer I can go on feeling this way, without at least giving in to my urge to SI. I KNOW it would bring me relief, if I gave in and SI'ed. And I keep rationalizing that, if I can get relief from SI'ing, maybe it would give me another chance to fight to bring myself out of this depression I'm in.
So, I don't know.
— Elizabeth Wurtzel
Wondering if it's worth it is taking it's toll on me.
Pretty much sums up my day today, as far as how my emotions have been. Fighting really hard right now to not give up and give in and end things. And I've been fighting some pretty strong urges, trying to keep myself from SI'ing. And trying to keep myself here, on this planet.
The other day I wrote about bargains, and the fact that I have made a current bargain, one to keep me on the planet. And I am about at the end of that bargain, and I'm really trying to convince myself to extend that bargain.
I just don't know how much longer I can go on feeling this way, without at least giving in to my urge to SI. I KNOW it would bring me relief, if I gave in and SI'ed. And I keep rationalizing that, if I can get relief from SI'ing, maybe it would give me another chance to fight to bring myself out of this depression I'm in.
So, I don't know.
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This is a blog of my feelings, my emotions, my joys, my sorrows, my thoughts, my struggles as I heal. All raw and real. I am not censoring my blog, so please take gentle care of you.
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I've been exactly in that place before (right down to rationalizing SI and reading Elizabeth Wurtzel, actually). There is no worse feeling.
I don't have a lot of helpful words, but please be gentle with yourself. Things did eventually get better for me, even though I could not see it at the time. I'm still alive, I'm happy most days, and I haven't SI'd in almost two years. So keep hanging in there... You never know what might happen. I'm thinking about you.
Thank you. The words you have written to me are helpful. It helps to know I'm not alone, and your words give me hope that it can get better. I am trying to hold on to that.