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i get intimidated by the idea of talking to other girls at my college classes. that is justifiable- seeing as how i have gone through so much bullshit and so much betrayal with girls in the past.
that is ok.
it will take time for me to learn how to trust myself around girls again. how to open up. i can't be too hard on myself for the way that i am right now. i have to simply accept the way i feel, even if it's negative.
i'm not going to get anywhere by criticizing myself or comparing myself to other girls. other girls... i don't know them. they may know some of the things that i've gone through. some of them may even have experienced a sexual assault in their past. i don't know that.
all i know is- in my case- my own personal feelings is- i feel scared to talk or open up in any way.
that is a reflection of all of the crazy shit i've been through in the past five years. it will take some time to get over that stuff. i can't expect myself to immediately bounce right back from that and become some blossoming socialite or something.
i have to look at how i'm feeling in perspective to what i've been through.
yes, i am depressed. yes, i am unsocial. i even tend to try to avoid social situations because they make me feel uncomfortable and stressed out.
it will take some time for me to get used to being around people who won't hurt me or who won't use me.
right now the concept of it just scares the shit out of me. it bewilders me -- being in a college environment-- being surrounded by girls who have no intent to bring pain into my life.
i just have to take some deep breaths, be easy on myself, and not criticize myself for feeling scared to talk when i'm at class.
it's going to be difficult to open up and be myself around people my age--- that's natural. it's going to be difficult to learn how to trust people again. that will come with time.
i can't hate myself for that.
i can't hate myself for feeling depressed and for not wanting to go out or do much. i need to be easy on myself. when i do feel like going out- i do go out. but right now... i'm somewhat of a hermit.
that's ok. i can't resent myself for that or feel guilty for it- every time mom wants me to go out and do something like go to yoga or go shopping and i pass. if i feel like staying home, i feel like staying home. i cannot mentally harass myself for the way i feel.
maybe in the future i'll feel like going out more often and doing things with people but for now i just feel like staying at home.
i really do feel that... i can be my own worst enemy, sometimes. i bully myself. i criticize myself for what i perceive to be flaws. i hound myself to no end for the mistakes i've made in the past.
it can get really bad.
nothing good can come from this. it is terrible, realizing that the biggest agent of stress in my life is my own damn self.
at the same time, though- it is rather... refreshing.
because there's something i can do to change that.
i can start to look at myself in a more positive light. i can start to respect the person that i am and even accept her---- even like her! this is suchhh a strange concept, to me.
i can't find anything really to like about myself... it's hard.
physically, mentally, emotionally- i feel like everything about me should be rejected.
it almost... is like a stop sign thwacking me in the face.... a positive thought about myself.
i'm... a good person. i'm smart. i'm intelligent. i have a lot of potential.
i am recovering from something terrible that happened years ago and i am also recovering from alot of messed up stuff that happened in the years after.
the way i am now... i am ok. i am... me... and it's ok to be who i am.
i don't deserve to hate myself. because i am who i am. i have the capability to change, for the worse or for the better. i am strong. i believe that i can grow. i believe that time will allow me to grow.
even though i have been going through a bit of a rough patch this month... that's ok.
that's a part of healing. it has ups and downs. and... i believe in myself. i can get better.
right now, as i am- i am perfect. with my flaws and with my assets. i'm me. and i'm happy with that.