Things Are Starting to Look Pretty Fishy
So yesterday I was reading this book that was really triggering to read since the girl in the book had been through practically everything I had been through, and then some. Anyways, while I read the book I seemed stable enough until I got to her flashbacks. That's when I started to feel a bit disturbed... yet I pressed on. As I continued on, the girl was trying so hard not to remember the face of her abuser since he threatened to kill her if she told. And then, I got to the part where she finally made the realization of who r**** her as a child and it was her dad.
After reading that and the things that came after it (I couldn't put the book down), I had this extreme urge to scream, cry hysterically, and throw the book across the room (strangely, I also developed a headache). I had EMDR therapy that morning, so my emotions may have been functioning a little more than usual (and it may also have prompted a delayed headache?). Anyways, the question is, why was it that I reacted so strongly to that part? If it had been someone else I don't think I would have reacted as badly... so why did I nearly flip out at that point? Last time I felt a reaction that strong was when I heard the results to a lie detector test on TV about sexual abuse. I reacted that way because I subconsciously felt that something might have happened to me and, what would you know, it turned out my suspicions were right.
Now, because of how strongly I reacted to that book, my suspicions that it might be my dad are increasing again. You see, I also can't remember who r**** me as a child so I'm trying to remember who did it. I recently started suspecting my dad of doing it and, after my harsh reaction and after looking at some suspicious things from my past, I think he really might have.
None of my female cousins ever wanted to hug him for some odd reason (they can't remember why when I asked them later on), from about age 4 I was acting out angrily for an unknown reason, I got lots of urinary tract infections before my parents divorced when I was 8, and before my parents divorced he told my mom "Don't neglect your next husband or he might do something with the girls (me and my sister)." When she asked him if he touched us he said no, but since my dad's a smooth habitual liar, he could have just been lying. Also, since my parents had separate rooms in that house, I think mom might have been "neglecting" dad.
And another thing, I remember at around age 6 I was in an alley that was near my dad's garage and near my bedroom window (that's where someone sexually abused me and told me never to tell or they'd kill me). Since my dad always took me on outings on Saturdays or Sundays to the market, he'd have an ample amount of time to do something to me.
And, even if he wasn't the person who abused me at 6, I think someone was abusing me as a toddler. When I was 3 or 4, I remember I was in my room playing with two dolls. Doll A was telling Doll B in a deep voice to say (or not say?) something. Doll B kept saying no until Doll A said that if Doll B didn't say (or did say?) something, then Doll A would kill her. Then Doll B started crying. Something about this playing scenario just seems too disturbing, and the fact that I even remember it gives me reason to believe that this incident was significant.
At 6 I was threatened not to tell about what happened or I'd be killed... and at age 4 I was playing with some dolls making one threaten the other if they did or didn't talk about something (I was 3 or 4 so I can't remember too well which one it was). Something seems really fishy about this and I don't like it one bit...
Or maybe I'm just desperate to know who really did it... and yet I can't shake the signs I exhibited.
Source: Things Are Starting to Look Pretty Fishy