everyone at my school for beliving that i made it up
my best friend hanging out with the rapist
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Posted 26 June 2003 - 05:25 PM
The second worst was the first time I tried to tell someone about the abuse. I tried to tell my best friend Terry, who was like an older brother to me. He knew my family and how insane my mom and stepfather could be. (Terry was older than me by about 10 years.) We talked about everything and were very close. When I was 16 I tried to tell him, and his response was an expression of horror and, "I don't want to hear this." I never tried to tell again until I was nearly 30 years old and then it was a fellow survivor. I still feel intense shame when I think of Terry's reaction. To this day he calls me to chat and I make excuses to get off the phone.
How have I worked through betrayal? I don't know. I don't trust those who betrayed me at ALL, and it made it very difficult for me to trust anyone. It compounded my shame. I struggle with horrible self-doubt and disgust. But I did learn that I wouldn't die from it, and I have been able to tell again and connect with other survivors. My therapist suggested we talk about this issue when I am ready, and someday soon I think I will.
Posted 14 July 2003 - 08:39 PM
What was my response? Well, I am a Christian, so I'm trying hard to forgive everyone, but it's not going to be easy, but as far as men are concerned, I'm through with them, pretty much, except for the one I'm with. If we break up, that's it; I do not choose to ever be with another man, period, I don't care what anyone says. As far as I'm concerned men have been getting by with this kind of thing for far too long.
Also, I am becoming an activist. I am writing a book on the oppression of women going on in the United States, and why it is not consistent with what we claim to believe in, freedom and equality for all.
I am just so angry over this. And I plan to stay that way, I have every right to be; I also am attending online classes now, so that 'men' won't have as much access to me.
That just about covers it. Oh,and the 'friend'in Texas? -- Good riddance.
Posted 25 July 2003 - 04:29 AM
Posted 28 July 2003 - 05:56 PM
The day I told my mom what my brother had been doing to me for 13 years and her response was to call me names and said I was a liar. It was the day that the slightest glimmer of hope that this may be the end of the abuse was crushed. A new form of abuse started with my entire family....a #### I had to live in for two years until I left to start my life over.
Posted 23 August 2003 - 02:15 PM
Posted 27 August 2003 - 03:22 PM
Me -- for not screaming or running away ... for staying in their house for five days ... for pretending everything was okay
Him -- for asking me to keep it a secret between the three of us
My boyfriend at the time for constantly asking me when we could have sex again, reinforcing my shame by saying he didn't think I should tell our friends, and just generally not supporting what I was going through. He's since apologized for some things and that was one of the most healing moments of my life. We were only 15, I know he did the best he could at the time.
My college friend who when I told her what had happened to me, responded with, "How could you let that happen?" I ended the friendship.
Posted 07 March 2003 - 09:50 PM
My mother visited my rapist in jail. Even though I was used to never having her be on my side, that was a kind of final straw. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I remember announcing it to my therapist through a sick fog, and I will never forget the way she stopped what she was saying and quietly said "I beg your pardon, Lou?'
I battled with my sense of worthlessness, and in the end came to realise that it was about mother as a parent; my mother and her monstrous priorities, not about a lack of worth on my part. I could also understand why it had been hard for me to believe that what he did to me was really wrong.
I could then confront her and express my disgust. After telling me she felt sorry for him, and that he'd called her 'mum' in the visiting room, I told her I didn't want to hear about it. She said, 'oh, well, it seemed the christian thing to do, but I won't go there again'. I said, 'I don't give a toss what you do, mother. I know my feelings have never been important to you, but they are to me. Go if you want, but I think it's obscene and I don't want to hear about it'.
Sometimes I'm still surprised when something unfair has happened to me and people display partisan support for me.
I think what she did still rocks me because I don't understand how such a thing is possible - the only place I would vsit somebody who beat and raped my daughter is in the cemetary so I could piss on his grave.
Posted 28 March 2003 - 01:49 AM
A supposed healing session turned into rape by people i trusted and thought of as family.
Now my sister tells me to get over it
Last week i told my mother about my rapes, and this week she asked me when was i going to stop living in the past. that hurt.
Im sure i can think of more another time.
Posted 18 April 2003 - 09:07 AM
i feel betrayed by my mom who watched me as 2 years old play with my father g*ntals and not do anything against that. but she is very sorry today. so i managed to forgive, but not forget, what she has done.
Posted 26 June 2003 - 01:52 AM
how i'm dealing with it: i went through the rage stage where i hated my parents and i screamed at them and everything. now i'm starting to head into the understanding stage. my mom also comes from a home of abuse, she normalized it. it was my father's father who abused me, he pretended it wasn't there.
i'm beginning to understand why they betrayed me but i still maintain that they were wrong in what they did.
Posted 26 June 2003 - 02:57 PM
2) Eddie molesting me when i was 11
I just look at it as a one time think and try to
be thankful it wasn't more.
3) best friend's dad molesting me ages 12 and 13
I haven't worked through it and see no need to. I just try to forget.
4) My aunt moving out of state...
I tried to commit suicide that same day..It didn't come out of nowhere but that was just like the last straw or something. I guess time healed that one.
5) Sounds like it should be one of the other ones, but I think this was the worse for some reason....My psychologist reporting my bud's dad for molesting me...I should be thankful but that fucked me up for a while. It's 2 years later and i still cry about that. I started burning myself that night (for the first time) and did for a few months after that. She was like my sister. She's the only one i could tell things too. I was used to having things like that happen to me. I had one person to help me with it and i fucked it up. I've known her since i was a baby... I just can't trust anyone after that shit (report). Got ptsd from that. He might have been molesting me sometimes but it's not like he did that all the time. He was like my dad. Was like my second home. I don't think i'm ever going to get through that unless i just forget about them like i think i've been doing. If it were any of my other friends it wouldn't be so worse...her dad was like my fucking dad though. I never had one. I'm not saying he wasn't fucked up but i know he cared....more than my own dad maybe. I just can't forgive myself for that shit. That's my own betrayal i guess. Noone fucked me up as much as me. Cuz i'm just fucked up.
Posted 15 July 2003 - 05:43 PM
Remembering my past abuse, confiding in my neighbour about it and then, them subsequently using my past abuse as a way to abuse me themselves.
Telling my mother twenty years later and her response being what you telling me this for now, what do you expect me to do.
Being asked to keep my friend's friend company, when really she had just set me up to be his victim.
Posted 04 August 2003 - 06:11 AM
I've been thinking about this for a while now, and my worst betrayals are not by my abuser and rapist. They didn't love me, and weren't supposed to care about me. Really it has been the people closest to me that have hurt me the most.
My mum is probably the worst, and most of my mental health problems boil down to her never wanting or loving me. I believe that when I was born my mum had post natal depression that was never treated. She despised me the day I was born, and that has never changed. She blames me for all of her mistakes, and is jealous of everything that I have done with my life that she couldn't. I have acheived a lot in my life, but she has never once been proud.
Also, she can't bear to touch me. As a child I was never hugged or kissed. Even now, if I brush past her she will flinch. This hurts more than anything else that has ever happened to me.
Michael is the father of my 4 year old son. We were good friends for about 2 years before we got it together. I knew it wasn't going anywhere, but my mum had just kicked me out at age 17, and I had moved away from my friends, so the company was good. I fell pregnant, and booked an abortion. Within two days of booking it he was gone. He didn't even say "it's over", he just went. Stopped answering my calls, even ignored my letters. I lost my job and was totally alone. I ended up cancelling the abortion, but making that choice pushed me the closest to suicide I have ever been. I know I will never get that low again. I found out later that he had left me for a 15 year old girl, they are still together, so she is my sons stepmum. To be honest I don't really know how I got over it.
My dad left when I was 2, but we have always had such a great relationship. We are very alike, another reason why my mum hates me so much, and I know he is proud of me. The day I turned 18 he gave me £400, and basically said "thats it, I'm off the hook, my responsibility to you is over". I felt like I'd been paid off. When he found out I was pregnant he refused to speak to me for a year. One day I just turned up on his doorstep and forced my way in. It has taken me a long time to start rebuilding that trust, and I really miss my old dad.