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Beyond jaded... telling the story

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    By beyondjaded

    Submitted Aug 04 2010 03:37 AM

http://beyondjaded.weebly.com

Collection of poetry and updated blog on the journey. Come check it out and let me know if anything helped you! Anything triggery is password protected: bentley

Paz,
Beyond jaded

One blog to give you a feel for the writing style:)

I have a small, bright yellow ceramic star on the dash panel of my car that simply says "Believe." It was given to me by someone much wiser than myself, a gentle reminder that sometimes that is really all it takes. A step in faith. Believe.

I got pulled over recently and the not-so-friendly police officer asked me if I knew how fast I was going. This question always puzzles me. Don't YOU know how fast I was going? If not, why am I parked on the side of the highway when I obviously have someplace I need to be in a hurry? I glanced over at my speedometer like it was going to somehow be frozen at the speed I was driving five minutes ago so I could give him an answer. Go figure, I had conveniently placed my star directly in front of it. Maybe this explains a lot for me in the way of speeding tickets... hmmm. Remembering to believe has got to trump knowing if I was going seventy or ninety, right? I answered the officer very sincerely when I said, "nope, I have no idea".... got my ticket and went on my merry way.

I've teetered back and forth most of my life on whether or not there really is such a thing as signs. Even though only half believing, I'm always on the look out for them. I want to see a deeper meaning in everything, hold on to some iota of hope that somehow, through whatever cosmic gesture, the universe will give me the confirmation that I seek. Often, what I've called a sign is just a cleverly disguised excuse to not do something I know I should. Slop a little coffee on myself through the hole in my lip, clearly a sign that I shouldn't sit down and have that needed conversation with someone. What would they think of the stain on my shirt? Obviously, it wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I'll take it!

Sometimes signs do seem to stand out a bit more prominently though. A little harder to confuse with a coincidence, and more difficult to ignore - which sometimes I wish I could. I was driving home the other night, my mind wandering off to a dark place somewhere. I was feeling beyond hopeless and every part of me was begging to give up. What's the point? I'm so tired of fighting. I can't do this. I can't make it, not one more day. I'm not strong enough. Just then, WHACK. My star flew from my dash and hit me squarely in the chest. When my eyes focused back on the road, I realized I was so lost in my head I had long past my exit. Maybe I hit a bump that sent the star flailing at me, I'm not sure. But the sign seemed pretty loud and clear. Believe.

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