TolbyBEAR

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About TolbyBEAR

  • Rank
    Tolby BEAR
  • Birthday 09/08/1971

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Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Somewhere between the A&Z in TEXAS
  • Interests
    Pool, writing, sports,<br />'Jill of all Trades; Master of None'
  1. That is so touching. I guess there really are people in this world that love and care for others. Lots of blessings to you and hugs.
  2. I lay my head upon my pillow each day wondering, "Will I enter sweet dreamland while I sleep or will I visit nightmare city? Which ever comes, may I please, wake up feeling rested?" Most of the time my nightmares are of all the perpetrators that ever hurt me. That makes the pain more intense, because it is thrown on me at once. I am reminded all at once of my whole childhood. Childhood, hmf, if that is what one wants to call it. I wonder most of the time why I am as sain as I am. Over fifty perpetrators and I still have sanity and some sense of morality. I am going to just count it as a miracle, blessing, or both. I want to know after all these years, "Why won't they leave my dreams?" I really, at this point, don't know which brings the worst pain, the dreams or the actual past. Oh, will it ever get better? Sometimes it seems it is and then bam I am engulfed with nightmares, memories, and triggers. They seem to come from out of no where. All I can do right now is try to calm myself. I am afraid to. You see, I am an SI'er and that is the only way at this point I can think of to calm me. Until next time----------Lots of Hugs
  3. Spoiler---------SI

    About two weeks ago, I went stir crazy for several reasons. The reasons are irrelavent at the moment. I took a razor knife and did some extinsive cutting on my ankle and then took a scouring pad and rubbed over it, so that it would bleed longer. It seemed to help me some, as always, but it is healing now. (Just so you do know, I do not want SI as a coping skill.) Since my wounds are healing, I want to cut more. Right now, not as strong as before, but the urge is getting stronger as each moment passes. I know SI is dangerous, and I know several other healthy coping skills, but for some reason, right now, I can't let go of SI. It isn't as easy as one might think.
  4. A few days ago, I decided to put off the work I was doing on one of the perpetrators from my past. (The so called 'man of the cloth') I had myself working too fast on it that I began to struggle badly with SI. I am doing better right now. I am not struggling so much now. I wish I could learn to pace myself better when I am working on past traumas. If I don't I may wind of in a coffin from SI'ing too badly. I don't want to go there, but I don't want this pain anymore. Elaboration on this another time.
  5. ~~~~~ ~~~~~ Lately, I have been working on some exercises from my T. to help me heal from one of the from the past. The work I am doing on the experience with the, so called, preacher, has been difficult for me. It has been so devastating I have made . I couldn't figure out why I was doing this. One day it dawned on me, I was working too hard and fast on the work. I have decided to put off the work for a little while. Putting it off scares me, because I am afraid I will wait several years again to work on the healling process. This, I believe was the most traumatizing abuse I had in all my horrifying life. Because, of it being so terrifying, I feel, I need to get it out ASAP. However, I also need to step back for a short time for my safety. Wishing this wasn't all so confusing----------but what do I expect?
  6. Hun, that is what we are trying to say here. You are definitely not responsible at all. Being too young to speak brings no fault to you at all, actually whether you were too young or not, if they decide to do this again then they are responsible for their own action. You just need to comfort that child within, hun.
  7. For many years and still today sometimes I feel guilty for not turning in that, so called, man of the cloth. I was given the opportunity to do so. The district head members of that particular denomination placed me in a room and asked me what I would like to do about it. I asked them, "How many believed me." None would really answer. Their response was, "That is irrelevant right now. This is not a trial. We are here to find out what you want to do about this situation." I, feeling like they didn't believe me anyway, and fearful I didn't have enough evidence to prove my case said, "I want him to get counseling." I wanted that in hopes it would change him and he wouldn't harm another child. They asked me several questions. I felt like I was on trial. One question that really sticks out in my mind is, "How are you going to prove that this happened?" I froze, because I felt I knew they didn't believe me and I couldn't think of any way to prove. I was so young, what did I know how to do such things? The one thing that made me the angriest was my dad had taped all our phone conversations, and never mentioned them to me or anyone else until a year or so later. I thought it is too late to do anything about all of this now. Again, the guilt has haunted me for years, just knowing this, so called, man of the cloth might hurt someone else, only she would be hurt worse than me. After reading some of these entries, I realized that most of you are right. I am not responsible for his or my dads' actions, only mine. I did what I could do with the knowledge I had at the time. I felt I did all I could do. I even went with the advice of the assistant pastor of the Church. I also realized that even if he was convicted, who is to say that when he was released that he wouldn't do it again to someone? Putting predators away usually just stop them for a little while. They don't stop at that. My biological father molested my sister and myself and only got 2 yrs. in the pen. After his release he continued his old habits. Years later, he found us again. I can only speak for myself, but he began to 'rape' me over and over for a few more years to come. I didn't know what to do. The thought never crossed my mind to turn him in, because I felt I was just as much at fault as he was. Actually in almost all of my 'rapes' I felt like I asked for it to happen. I must admit, I still do sometimes.