Sometimes, like today, I feel fine, like I've recovered from what happened. I can be happy and smile and laugh and that sadness won't show itself. But then other days it's hard to face the world. The crushing sadness just rears its ugly head up out of no where. On these days it's hard for me to motivate myself, to even get anything done. Sometimes I can be happy and then the littlest thing can make me sad. I don't know what to do with myself.
As for recovering. I received this letter from an ex friend after I posted a blog (on another site) telling what happened and why I didn't want to see anyone:
"Go fuck yourself, you self-righteous, stubborn, attention-seeking, drama-starting, self
centered, HYPOCRITICAL bitch. You don't know a fucking thing about anyone these days. Stop
pretending the world keeps handing you shitty deals, your the one making the drama and causing
the shit to invade you life. And everything that comes out of your mouth is so covered in
hypocrisy that I have no idea how you honestly believe the shit you say. Grow up Dea (cause
despite what you think you haven't yet), wake the fuck up, and see the real world. If your going to
write something or initiate something you better except confrontation and since you love to
run away from that I suggest you stop provoking it. And one more thing, get over yourself, your
not better than anyone, your actions place you far down the list of humanity, and considering
how shitty that list is, that is saying something. Oh and laugh all you want, deep down one day you
will realize I am right. I pity you more than
you will ever understand. I hope someday you realize everything you've destroyed, you current
life being among those things. Try to be a better person, if not for anyone else for yourself.
Have a nice life while it lasts and get off the pedestal before you fall. "
That wasn't what made me feel better (of course) but this is the letter I received in response to that other letter from a friend who also saw it:
"I have to say something, and I'm hoping you will hear me out, and also that i type it well enough. What happened this summer to you, or how things worked out in general, it doesn't feel right at all, to say the least. I do not believe that you deserve any of what has happened to you, the hate, the swearing, the angry letters and constantly having to fight for yourself. I honestly believe that you did what you did because you simply felt it was the right thing to do, and you're right, if other people don't get this, then screw them. You're as smart as you are pretty (which is very by the way) and i know you wouldn't do things without thinking them through fully and analyzing every part of the situation and what it can turn into. I mean, the letter with kat was the last straw (the one from your newest blog). That just seriously angered me so much. Who does she think she is saying this to you? she doesn't know the whole story (neither do i but its still wrong), and she has no right to say these things to you. I actually wonder how you put up with it all. But to be honest, I've never thought of you wrongly, or harshly. Even those times when your sister's mad at you, I only tried to get her to see the flip side of things. I'd say you're doing the right thing though. Your personal life is top priority, friends can wait so to say. Anyways, not sure what else there is to say, but i really hope you don't hate me that's all.....its what i've been worried about this whole time, for like....i dunno, since we stopped talking pretty much. Feel free to write back if you'd like, but in case i don't hear from you anytime soon, good luck in college my friend, hang tough, i know you'll do great and accomplish a lot in life.
Yeah, see I was going through the avoidance stage, not wanting to see anyone and his letter really made me feel better. I am happy to say we're now friends again, me and M. Hopefully it will stay that way.
But her letter striked some sore points. Did I cause that to happen? Was I unintentionally asking for it? Through body language or otherwise? I never said I wanted to be taken advantage of but who knows. Am I just creating drama? i mean I guess i'm not strong enough to not be emotionally effected (affected?) and maybe that's creating drama? I hate this....