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About livenlaughnluv

  • Birthday 02/18/1971

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  1. First Blog Post

    I've spent the whole day completely fixated on this subject of abuse as a result of a book I have been reading to help me understand what my husband is going through. Being a survivor myself, I can relate in many ways (I am certainly filled with compassion and empathy), but I don't know what it is like to be the male version of me. I also don't know how to relate to the physical abuse he experienced as a child at the hands of his father. I struggle with some emotional baggage as a result of bouts with abandonment by both parents at various times in my life, but neither of them ever physically abused me. As I read the book, I found myself asking him a lot of questions. Did you ever experience that? Do you feel like you do this now? Why would someone do such a thing? It didn't take me long to realize that, although he loves the fact that I am very interested in his past experiences and in his healing process, he simply does not want to sit around talking (or thinking) about it all day long. And, honestly, can I really blame him? As a result, I've been struggling with this guilty feeling I have inside of me. It's like, every time he's looked at me, I've been absorbed in this... and I know it's causing him to think about it too. I don't want that for him! I want him to deal at his own pace... not mine. I did talk to him about my feelings... explaining that I wished there was some way that I could do this without him realizing it's what I'm doing. Ha! Fat chance, I know! I can tell that he's noticed myself distancing from him... but, I worry that he's blaming himself in some way. I did admit to him that all this reading is causing me to re-hash some of my own old stuff; hopefully, he'll wrap his mind around that instead. I don't think I'll ever understand why I tend to distance myself when I think about my past. My husband is so different. He seems to become more attentive and patient, whereas I just turn into Oscar the Grouch and want to be left alone. I would love to be more like him in that respect. So, in my attempt to try to alleviate some of my guilt, I've decided to use this blog and support group to kind of release him in a way from having to be my constant sound & question board. I do still plan on talking to him as various things come up, because I believe that it is very important to me understanding HIM, but hopefully, this way I won't be bombarding him with 50 questions every day.