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About mithril

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    little ghost
  • Birthday 01/01/1981

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  1. This song serves as a kick up the arse for me when I'm feeling down. I had thought he was right, but know what? Everyone is better than he is. This song reminds me of that Moist Better Than You I've sold out every memory I have borrowed I had bought from you These pictures run like water to dilute me lay me over you and I thought that this would be so right and everyone and everyone is better than you and everyone and everyone I've felt each slow perversion fosters dying killed the truth in me gone quietly gone completely cold reminder what you tried to be and I knew that this would be so right and everyone and everyone is better than you and everyone and everyone and everyone and everyone and it's hard and it's hated and it's hard and if so and if so and everyone and everyone is better than you and everyone and everyone and everyone and everyone is better than you better than you.....etc. and if so and if so.....
  2. When I first came here, I was really hesitant. For the longest time, I didn't have a clear idea of what had happened. I knew the sequence of events, I knew what I said, I knew what he said - I knew what happened. But I couldn't connect the dots. r-a-p-e. And so when I first came here, I felt really hesitant. I felt as though I was taking up space that someone else more deserving could fill. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was cheating you all by somehow tricking you into getting on my side. But a lovely lass here pointed something out to me. Sometimes our own feelings are our validation - it's just that sometimes recognising that we have a right to our own feelings can take a little time. Pain is enough. Feeling how we feel should be validation enough. It doesn't have to have been "that bad"; it need not have been "like that" - no two experiences would be identical. Who's to say what is an accurate benchmark anyway? Thoughts and emotions do not restrain themselves by logic. Sometimes, people tend to measure pain by levels - "my pain is not as extensive as so-and-so's". Pain transcends levels. It doesn't care about lines or borders or levels. It's just there. Someone here asked me once that if I told my own story to myself as someone else, would I tell them it was nothing? Would I compare it? Of course not, was my answer. I'm not here to judge. And I'm learning not to judge myself so harshly; I'm trying not to compare things. I just end up going around in circles and circles and circles and circles... Feeling how you feel is validation. And you have every right to feel the way you feel. What you feel is inside you and nobody can judge that, or take it away. Pain knows now limits. Great thread, mellonamin luv'n'hugs, Lara
  3. "If anyone comes within four feet of me I'm going to drop kick them like a soccer ball just because I'M A BITCH AND I LOVE IT." LOL great way to put it I was walking home one night when two fellas pulled up alongside me and made some stupid comments. I kept walking (with my hand in my pocket on my phone, ready to go). One of them said something about me getting off his [*ahem*], to which I stopped and replied, "well, since I didn't know I was on your [*ahem*], I would think that says a lot more about you than it does about me. Now, why the hell did you think that line would fucking work?" I've never seen one man look so embarassed Sarcasm to the rescue. Sarcasm is my dual H&K's :laugh: *scratches head* ummm, that didn't really have anything to do with anything... /me crashes back to the topic with a thud. You know, reading this stuff makes me realise just how much arse we all kick
  4. hmmmm... It's not assault by way of a stranger that I fear. I know some fighting moves... whether or not I'm capable of making like Croft on someone's arse is a question I'm not sure I'd actually like to get the chance to answer, but bloody hell I could certainly give it a fucking fair crack of the whip. Of course, kit me out with dual holsters with H&K pistols and I'm bloody certain I could do a fairly good Croft impression :: No, stranger assault does not freeze me. I suppose I feel my most vulnerable to assault in an intimate environment, due to the fact that I was raped by my boyfriend in my own bed in a situation into which I should have been able to have input. I can (and do) walk the streets at night and I don't feel panic, but put me in a room with a male I've been friends with for 12 months and have him put some slight moves on me, and yeah, I don't feel so bulletproof anymore. It seems that I would rather face the unknown than risk caring for someone who is, in fact, a rapist. (Not saying that my mates are rapists, because I'm sure they're not; just drawing a parallel between the rapist you know and the rapist you've never seen before.) I don't hide so as not to go outside, but I hide my emotions behind walls that make it very difficult for people to get to know me. I am Ice And somehow, that makes me want to laugh :laugh: Right now, though, I feel my usual 10 foot tall and bulletproof So, I am fearing and fearless. I'm challenging the thought processes that say your fear is your protector. Fear is many things, and it can even be a friend, but fear can also be an inhibitor and an obstacle. Fear can be a very real noose. There needs to exist balance between inhibiting myself and denying myself experiences and taking steps to protect myself. I fear more the man I know, rather than the stranger I don't. I need to find and apply the balance to both situations, and I think I'm doing that with my current bf. I'm taking chances by trusting him, and trusting myself in the knowledge that I could at least try to kick his arse if he tried the wrong thing As I said, I feel as though I could kick arse, but whether or not I would actually be able to do it is another thing. Being able to at least try, regardless of whether I know the man or not, is the balance. luv'n'hugs, Lara edit: formatting
  5. hmmm, great thread. *puts thinking cap on* well, if i'm in a situation where there are other survivors, i will take their lead and call it whatever they call it. if somebody says to me, "i was raped" then i refer to it as such. i don't try and tip-toe around when i <i>know</i> the other person is comfortable with a term (insofar as one can be comfortable with such a word). as for myself... well, i've never once said anything out loud, even to a mirror, about it. i don't know if i can (if i'm "allowed", as it were), because i don't know where i really fit. i don't want to use a term like 'rape' if i'm not 'entitled' to use it. if i was clear on this, then yeah for sure, i'd definately address it. i'd put it in it's place. but as it stands now, my mind says there's too much grey. so for now, i don't discuss it out loud, and here, well here is the one place i definately don't want to mis-name it (simply out of respect for everyone here; i don't want to just charge in and declare it rape when maybe it's not). so i guess i don't usually refer to it as anything. (reading back over this, i'd say i just call it <i>it</i> ) gee did i make any sense at all? i didn't mean to turn this into such a ramble. <i>How do you all feel about the real words: incest, rape, abuse etc.?</i> i don't tend to engage in bullshit; if it's rape, it's rape. i will call it thus, if the other person is comfortable with it (i don't want to run about the place applying my own concepts and terms to other peoples experiences). but i suppose that's fairly hypocritical of me, considering i do pull some bullshit with myself. i'm going around in circles here, i'll stop now luv'n'hugs, mithril
  6. thanks for sharing this with us, Shannon. it's fantastic
  7. two songs i find incredibly cathartic are "big man with a gun" and "closer", both from the album The Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails. i won't post the lyrics because they are very explicit, but #### something in them works for me. it feels good to put them on really loud and just let it go, or sometimes yell along with them. luv'n'hugs, mithril
  8. learning how to properly use search engines can also go a long way to preventing search results from returning porn (and useless, unrelated garbage, for that matter). teaching children these strategies may help them from stumbling across porn links accidently, and also people who are sensitive to such material. learning how to use boolean search operators correctly for the search engine you use can help you conduct a more efficient search, as well as not returning stuff you don't want to see. think of it as your own personal filter. not that this always works, of course, but it's a start. luv'n'hugs, mithril
  9. this song makes me feel better about me, especially if i sing it loud. it feels very close to my situation. "better than you" - Moist i've sold out every memory i have borrowed i have bought from you these pictures run like water to dilute me lay me over you and i thought that this would be so right and everyone and everyone is better than you i've felt each slow perversion fosters dying killed the truth in me gone quietly gone completely cold reminder what you tried to be and i knew that this would be so right and everyone and everyone is better than you and it's hard and it's hated and it's hard and if so and if so and everyone and everyone is better than you
  10. ok, i'm joining the red-dot crusade. i'm an australian; new south welshmen to be exact (well, welsh-woman...?). i'm 21 and studying data comms at university. i'm a nerd (as in, computer nerd). i like big, messy, all-night LAN sessions (CTF-UT, Ghost Recon and C&C: Renegade are my current favourites), and i have a soft spot for Tomb Raider. i'd like to get my hands on gentoo; it sounds really interesting. i need to degauss my monitor... *klunk*... ahh... i play several musical instruments. i like yoga and meditation, and i have crystals. my favourite colour is blue. i write; journals, stories, music, anything. sometimes, i draw and/or paint. i'm a vegetarian and i love cooking (though not so much the cleaning up afterwards). i have a crush on Dilbert and Agent Pendrell (what a novel way to begin a paragraph). i'm not very big on capital letters (as you've probably guessed). my favourite season is winter. i love nighttime. i like rain and i love thunderstorms. i love looking at the stars on a clear night, and have been known to get up at all hours of the night to look at comets or meteor showers and the like. i love movies, music, and books. i like lots of different styles of music, including ambient, industrial, medieval, rock, and alternative. i like classical music and i love gregorian chanting. as far as books go, i read all sorts of things, but i favour fantasy books, and i've been known to read things like Shakespeare or Chaucer. i have quite a few movies that i really like, but ones that stand out in my memory right now are Hard Core Logo (my all-time favourite movie), Gladiator, and LoTR:FoTR (although there are many others i like almost as much). i have a passion for ancient cultures and mythologies, and i enjoy reading about and learning their languages (ancient egyptian hieroglyphs, hieratic, and sumerian and akkadian cuneiform especially). my favourite sport is tennis, and i've been known to get up when it's still dark to watch matches. i like to rollerblade and ice-skate. my favourite football team is Saint George-Illawarra (although if you're not from australia or don't follow the NRL, you probably don't know who they are *g*). ohhh-kaaay, i think that's enough about me, i'm not really all that interesting. i've really enjoyed reading about you all! luv'n'hugs, mithril
  11. LOL yeah, it's like he's on this personal mission to hunt out the most dangerous creatures in the world - and annoy them. i gotta say, i laugh when he finds something to talk about and i see him reaching for a stick... hugs, mithril
  12. fun, indeed - let's bitch (gimme gimme gimme!) Movies that suck: "The Net" - i can't describe how much i hate that movie. there are *so* many technical fuck-ups. but it's a brilliant example of how little research movie writers actually devote to their projects. "Antitrust" - yes, it's entirely possible that one single person can control the entire world with computers and ONE piece of software. enough with the bill gates parallels, peoples, it't ain't ever gonna happen. "Swordfish" / "Hackers" - haven't seen either of them, and i don't want to, either. but, include any other movie about computers or virii or malicious software or the internet - they never get it right, and it shits me no end. give it up, hollywood, either do your research and get it right or just let. it. fucking. go. "Moulin Rouge" - never seen it, hopefully won't ever have to. "Titanic" - never seen it, hopefully won't ever have to. all righty, television shows that suck: "Springer" - adding my voice to the chorus. "The Crocodile Hunter" - i hate that show and i hate hate that guy. i wish he would become the crocodile huntED. "Sex In The City" - it just annoys me. bunch of women who whine and complain for an hour. yay. "Alias" - one word. shit. Current Affairs programs - i don't think i can take any of these shows seriously anymore, after one of them contacted the IT faculty at my university and asked for students to say they use the internet for a certain amount of time a week, and that they think it's becoming a "dangerous additcion" among teens and early adults. this followed: "these views and the amount of time a student actually spends online does not have to correspond with their testimony for the show." wtf??? how many other stories are these shows fabricating? ohhh-kaaay, i should stop now before i implode because of my bitchiness. luv'n'hugs, mithril