~Samantha~

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About ~Samantha~

  • Birthday 02/21/1989

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  • Website URL
    http://

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Delaware, USA
  • Interests
    Music and God and for some sick reason I love administration things. :)
  1. Can this really be real

    For three years I have been dating and actually got engaged almost a year ago I thought to this incredible man of God studying to be a pastor. Yet here I am. I ended up breaking things off with him this past Sunday. I still do care about him and I do think that he will be an incredible pastor but what he wanted from me is not what we agreed on. When it comes down to it there were three main issues to why I ended this with the leading of God and the Holy Spirit. I do not feel that I did the wrong thing, but at the same time I feel incredibly lost. I was suppossed to be getting married on January 17, 2015 and instead I sit here unsure of anything about my future anymore. I hate this feeling and I am honestly lost at how to deal with any of this anymore because the reality of the truth is that I am functioning as if nothing is wrong when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs. I know I should be grateful that I least I figured this all out before I got married and had kids, but it is at the same time an extremem struggle. I for once in my life felt that I was heading to a different direction with so much healing it is incredible. Yet here I am in the debths of another kind of hurt. I have had to come to the realization that this is not the same kind of hurt and pain that I have felt before with all of the trauma issues, but at the same time this is an extremly hurtful and painful period. Now I have a wedding dress that I love sitting in my closet unsure of anything about the future. Well I guess in the long run all these feelings really don't matter, and the reality is I have to work on my homework for this dumb course. I just wish that I could get this out of my head. I am sorry that this is not related to what is normally on this website, I just needed a safe place to post so I could get some of this out of me instead of the possiblity of exploding anytime soon. I guess for now I need to just remember the words that are in this picture. ~Samantha~
  2. Why?

    I find myself here in the same spot I have found myself to be in a lot the last week. Disappointed at myself and just trying to figure out what the heck is going on. But at the end of the day I still find myself asking the same questions. -Why did my mom sell me? -Why did those guys want to take advantage of me? -Was the money really worth it? -Why did my mom have to abuse me too? -What was the end purpose of all of this? -Why did no one ever try to help me? -Should I have said something? -Is it my fault that I didn't say anything? Being a Christian I know that I should never has the question of why and what if. I know I should just rely on God and let him provide the answers. But the truth of the matter is that, while I know God loves me and cares for me. I have some anger built up at him. I am trying to work through it and I know that he could not change people's free will, but I do know that God says he is my Heavenly Father and cares. I will be honest I tell teens everyday to trust God, but there are still days where I am struggling to trust God myself. As I a hypocrite? Am I horrible? Should I just keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. I am just finding myself drowning with questions and insecurities. At the end of the day I don't want to hear that it is over and done with. That it is all in the past. That there is no point of asking the questions? That what ifs can't change the outcome at this point. That God is bigger. Let God work. I don't care about the christian platitudes right now. Because the truth is no matter how many times I repeat to myself all these truths they don't make all these feelings go away. I have spent the last 10 hours digging into the word and just to do studies and while God may be a redeemer and a healer not everything makes complete sense. Can people stop making it sound so simple. Sorry for the vent. I know I have not written in a long time, but I am finally done with the Master's Commission program I was in and am now working and as a result have more free time on my hands. I just needed to get my feet settled with things before I could come on here more frequently again. Again I'm sorry I just needed to write this out and so I came to the blog. ~Samantha~
  3. Lost and Done

    I know that I don't normally put anything here, but I am in the mood to start journaling again, maybe it will help to express things. This is not really everything or explains everything it is just a bunch of feelings and things going on exploding into a writing so I can go back to my essay. November 13, 2012 I so badly want to try and get the idea of my life right. I so badly want to make sense of everything that is going on. I so badly want to just feel like a normal human being. Yet no matter how badly I want these things the reality is that many times this will not be the case if ever. I am realizing how hard it is for me to deal with anything and everything anymore. I know part of it is exhaustion which will be dealt with when I finally have more than one day off, but the other part really is to do with I am tired of feeling like saying here I am beat me up with more words today whether you mean to be vicious or not, it still hurts. I am trying so hard to try to please everyone but the honest truth is that I am tired of trying to please people. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly a failure to everything. God I know that you have given me a new freedom, but honestly everyday gets harder to believe it anymore and yet I keep pushing myself to do so. But seriously God, when is enough enough. Honestly I bought my mom a gift for her birthday and Christmas out of excitement, now realizing it would truly mean nothing to her. No matter how much it is hurtful I know that there is nothing I can do but just toss it to the side and say forget it. God I would like to go home, but yet I know it would do me no good. I would like to give her just one gift and yet I know that it will never be possible. I would like to have one conversation without degrading, but yet at the end I am considered worthless. Honestly sometimes I wish I could just get a thick skin and be done. It is three years and I am no longer going to say anthing about any of this. I will keep my mouth shut from now on because no matter how I put it I know that what she says are lies but the honest truth is I just want to be loved…………Does anyone get that? Well it doesn’t matter from this point on…………………………………QUIET! I WILL NOT LET THE TEARS FALL I WILL NOT LET PEOPLE KNOW I WILL HIDE THE SCARS I WILL KEEP ANYONE AWAY I WILL TRAIN MYSELF TO NOT BE AFFECTED NO MORE WILL I ASK FOR HELP Honestly, will someone ask me how I am doing instead of always needing me. I am one person and honestly if someone asked I wouldn’t feel so lost………………….can anyone hear me? I guess not. Well goodnight world. God please help I am ready to start my eating disorder and cutting again and I know that those are not the way to go…….PLEASE HELP!!
  4. Can this Feeling go AWAY

    I feel so alone, unwanted, and like the piece of garbage people have always said that I am. I know that it is something that people say oh it is fine and it is ok that I am feeling this, but it is not. I am hurt because of words that were said, but the only reason that it hurts because maybe it is true. If first years who have only known me for 6 months can say that than is it true. Sometimes I feel that I need to just go away and start working. Why do people not realize how much their words actually hurt, and than how real it feels in my life. Can this stop. Of course not why would it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I just want to scream, I just want to cry and yet I can do neither because it is not considered right. i know that this is an insecurity but when it is said, it no longer feels like it may be a lie in my head but it feels real. I wish that I could say something that was said two days ago did not hurt so bad, but all I really want to do is curl up and go to sleep. Oh well, I guess in the end it doesn't really matter. As it is it is an insecurity and I need to get over it.
  5. Hey All, I have been a member for a little over 4 years. Wow! The biggest thing I have learned here is that I am never alone good days or bad, and when I need I can ask for hugs and support from others.
  6. IT'S NOT MY FAULT

    Well here is this I just have spent sometime writing this and it was incredibly amazing at how I did. Maybe going to add to my post on my story. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ No matter how much people sit around and tell me that this horrible act committed by A****** is my fault, I know it is not. I am not supposed to be blamed by people about this. What is the damn point of doing this to me? To watch me cry, to watch me wither up on the floor, to just finally make me turn to solitude, or to watch me continue to hurt myself until something worse happens. What more can make me turn around and hate people so much. Mommy, what the fuck is telling me it is my fault day and night going to do for us. For you it continues to fall under the fact that you tell me that I am just making this continue longer than this needs to be. The truth is that for me this rape was more than loosing my virginity in anyway. You say that you would want to just forget it and that seems like a great idea but that doesn’t really work for me. Just forgetting it is not a possible thing, it is NOT reality. I cannot control what you wish for me to control but it is not all that simple. I was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt the night that I was raped, so it definitely was not what I was wearing. And not to be a rude bitch but I can wear what the fuck I want to wear and it still would not have given him a damn right to rape me. It is my body. O.K. for the damn ass comment of, “Are you sure it just wasn’t regret after sex?” NO it was not it was rape, in no way, no matter how you twist it is rape. If I say no and pull away and than later on submit it is still rape. Me submitting was not giving him permission it was more. Mommy you probably you do not remember this and even if you did you probably would still deny it but the factor of it is that your damn ass boyfriend in Treadwell, B**, fucking sexually abused me and yet you probably would say it never occurred. For me the night of A****** raping me brought back that horrible time that I had pushed away for many year. Me submitting was not a yes, but instead a travel outside my body not feeling pain, cold, hurt, etc…. instead it was a travel to my past and above me. I seriously remember looking down at myself thinking, “God please just kill me.” Yes he was un-armed, he had no weapons of any kind but himself. Not to be mean but that was enough for me. The factor that when I did try to get out of it he just held me down by my hips and spread my legs open with his knees. Within this process both of my knees had popped in and out of socket three times. For the next three months I had bruises around my knees and hips. To think about when he gave me oral he actually fucking bit me there. Of course there is more but this is more than what I have talked about ever. I know I normally say he fingered me, gave me oral, and raped me. But in truth there has always been more but I am too scared to talk. As is right now at 11:46 at night I still want to go ahead and delete this out of fear. I am scared of being judged and being told that none of this is true and that I am just lying. I am working so hard at trusting people and yet it is this topic that makes me scared the most. My dreams are haunted almost every night because of this experience; yes if I took my meds I could sleep but being drowsy through out the day is not my cup of tea either. I know it may seem like I am crazy but I promise you that I am not, just a little scared to tell about that night. A****** instilled more than just additional fear but he took something from me. It has taken me about a year to figure it out but he has taken a piece of me. A part of me personal self taken. He has also taught me though that I can overcome any obstacle. Signing off scared and unsure of the future, ~~Samantha~~ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hope it was worth reading -Samantha-
  7. If you were my sister I would tell you that it was not your fault. I would sit with you and voice any emotions that you had. I would let you cry.
  8. I believe in a way this can go for all kinds of abuse and not just sexual abuse or rape. For the assault alone that happened three months ago. When it first happened one of the people who are the closest to me said to me maybe you should talk to him. At the time I just gave her a dumb found look and said NO and she just said that it was ok knowing that I could blow up. The other comments that have been told me are: "Well you won't report him so it is not true" "Oh he is not the type" "You don't have anymarks" "You didn't put up a hard enough fight" There are times when these statements are so overwhelming that I just stop saying anything because I am better off because I am known for getting to mad and ending up throwing a punch if I am not very careful. I do again believe this is with all types of abuse though because even when I was a child living with my mother when I first told her about the molestation she looked at me directly and said that is not fucken true because I was right there.....yeah well I just sat there and said what ever knowing that she was not right there she was in bed. The physical and emotional abuse with my mother was the worst though. Child Protective Services even told me the emotional abuse did not exsist because I was not having any trouble in school and I had no emotional problems except for depression which was technically not diagnosed at the time. I looked them directly in the face and told them I would not show trouble in school because first it is my safe place, second I want to get the hell out of my house, and third if I ever bring a greade lower than 85 I can expect a kick in the ass and if I got lower than 95 I was grounded and when I got lower than 100 I was in a lecture of four hours long (mind you I got a lot of those 100 are not a possible thing). The CPS worker looked me back and said well there is nothing I can do call us when she hits you again. My response was oh thanks and I picked up my stuff and left....I was later given detention for my rudeness but I didn't care. It hurt incredibly bad to be disbelieved by an authority. In all all the secondary wounding has hurt so bad, With the assault I have come to the point of not telling along with any of the previous abuse I am so sick of being hurt again about the same thing.
  9. No problem. I actually say a lot of my questions are dumb questions and someone actually confronted it saying there is seriously no dumb question. The only thing you can do that is dumb is not ask it. You are asking a question because you want to know and there is no problem with that. Hope everything works out.
  10. Pinky, There is no such thing as a dumb question. They can only come on the bored if they are registered. I am not sure about the survivor part but someone else will answer that. Take gentle care
  11. Learning

    I am finally learning about my life. Yes I am still numb. Yes I still hurt. And hell yes the events are never going to always be with me. But I think I am finally learning that I can not control everything and somethings are so far out that I can't do anything about it. I blamed myself for the past two and a half months since the event has happened saying that the sexual assault/rape was my fault. I gave it and told myself every reason why it was my fault. But today I am here saying IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I know that I am not to blame because I DID NOT ask to be raped but instead all I did was go to watch a movie. Thank you ass hole (perp) I learned from you that even if they look nice and act nice they are not always nice. -Samantha-
  12. Should I

    I am feeling some guilt about not telling my mom and in the end about not telling my family for the sexual assault. I am not sure whether I should or not. I mean that I know she hurt me for 17 and 1/2 years with physical, and especially verbal abuse. But am I inconsiderate for not telling my mom about this??????? Should I tell her?????? Will it even matter??????????? Oh well who the hell knows
  13. I wonder about myself

    I sometimes wonder how crazy I really am. I notice that I am fully crazy but yet seem so normal. I can not seem to take control of my life though I wish I could. I try to take control in so many ways including si, ed and along with it trying to pack my schedule to hell amounts. Everyone thinks I am crazy for trying to take 17 credits worth of classes (five 3credit courses, two 1 credit courses) two classes for no credit, two jobs, protestant worship planning, counseling, and clubs. Now add on to that list the reporting the assault. People thought I was nuts for having such a packed schdeudle before the assault occurred but of course I didn't think anything of the sort so I did it. Now I feel so out of control that just to control something I was going to add a gym course to my schedule. I finally had to be told no or my friend would tell the head of student development to make sure not to allow me. I am fucken crazy or am I needeing to finally just go away. Why do I try to control my life by controling things that really does not matter in the end. Who the hell is crazy enoughto put themselves through so much stress. Who the hell would want to do such a thing like I have been accomplishing to do. Am I crazy????????? I may never know. Why is it I can take care of others so much more than I can take care of myself. I lack sleep so much at this point. I am so numb and feel so dead and gone but as soon as a friend asks for my help I will help them. I have no care about myself just care about my friends. Ok after all of this I must be crazy for sure. Why is it that I can not watch tv with out being triggered. Even watching a commercial about a couple having sex is so overwhelming that I start to cry. It is so annoying that I get triggered so much and so easily. I know that it is only coming close to three months since the assault. I know that the assault has brought up many memories from the past expecially of my mother's boyfriend. I wish that I could make sense of everything but I know very well that that may never be the case. I just wish I could feel better about this all together. Feeling numb sucks so bad but than again can I seriously do anything about it. Probably not. I need to go to counseling when I get back up to the states and get back to school. I also need to go to health services and figure out what I need to do along with find out if they can prescribe me some sleeping meds before I seriously go dead from no sleep. I may not feel fully happy anytime soon but I am going to try and put my emotions down. Oh well, Enough from me. -Samantha-
  14. Fucked up

    My life is so fucked up and I know it. My life is pretty much done for and nothing will keep it from fucking up even more. Life just seems to bite me in the ass all the time but hopefully I will finally be able to be happy. I hope that I will finally be able to turn the corner and be able to smile. I wish there was a lot more to my life but instead it is worthless. My life is so WORTHLESS at least it is at this oint and time and until things improve I guess I can continue to look around with a smile on my face. Reporting is a pain in the ass. I know that it is a good and necessary move but trying to communicate only through e-mail is so damn pathetic and complicated. Whatever life goes on and in the end I minus well go puke. I think I am horrible I so badly want to just be back to the person I was with my eating disorder and my cutting, but I know if that I cause myself too many problems I am going to have problems finding jobs when I finally want to do counseling and I don't want to have problems. Oh Well -Samantha-
  15. Life is a theatrical play

    More and more my life makes no sense and it is because I am playing a character I am not. The real me is hidden underneath a costume of someone that I must pretend to me. sorry this is really quick but time to go to bed b/f I get into trouble. So off to bed without any sleep again.