Kwanfan

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About Kwanfan

  • Rank
    My inspiration to fly. She gives me peace.
  • Birthday 09/10/1967

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    http://

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    West Virginia
  • Interests
    My kids, figure skating, Michelle Kwan, reading, listening to music, and talking to strong women at moving forward retreats :-)
  1. Been gone awhile

    Well I thought I was healed and moved on. I guess it's a journey not a destination. I have been doing well but lately been down on myself. I won't be upset with myself for thinking of the past. I just remind myself that the thoughts come way less frequently than before. It's been years since I have been here and it's ok for me to come back for a little while to refresh and reassure myself that I AM ok. Not sure why the thoughts are back. Well truly they don't go away. Maybe I will read something or see something on tv or hear news that sort of hits me and makes me take pause, but I'm proud that mostly I can brush it off and keep on going. These years past have shown me that those little zingers don't pack the punch they used to but just this past month I've been having a hard time. Not sure why but I definitely know that it will pass and I will be able to smile and go on again. In the meantime, I will abide here at the forum which saved me so many years ago. Truly saved my life. Blessings on anyone who reads this.
  2. Been gone awhile

    Well I thought I was healed and moved on. I guess it's a journey not a destination. I have been doing well but lately been down on myself. I won't be upset with myself for thinking of the past. I just remind myself that the thoughts come way less frequently than before. It's been years since I have been here and it's ok for me to come back for a little while to refresh and reassure myself that I AM ok. Not sure why the thoughts are back. Well truly they don't go away. Maybe I will read something or see something on tv or hear news that sort of hits me and makes me take pause, but I'm proud that mostly I can brush it off and keep on going. These years past have shown me that those little zingers don't pack the punch they used to but just this past month I've been having a hard time. Not sure why but I definitely know that it will pass and I will be able to smile and go on again. In the meantime, I will abide here at the forum which saved me so many years ago. Truly saved my life. Blessings on anyone who reads this.
  3. Been gone awhile

    Well I thought I was healed and moved on. I guess it's a journey not a destination. I have been doing well but lately been down on myself. I won't be upset with myself for thinking of the past. I just remind myself that the thoughts come way less frequently than before. It's been years since I have been here and it's ok for me to come back for a little while to refresh and reassure myself that I AM ok. Not sure why the thoughts are back. Well truly they don't go away. Maybe I will read something or see something on tv or hear news that sort of hits me and makes me take pause, but I'm proud that mostly I can brush it off and keep on going. These years past have shown me that those little zingers don't pack the punch they used to but just this past month I've been having a hard time. Not sure why but I definitely know that it will pass and I will be able to smile and go on again. In the meantime, I will abide here at the forum which saved me so many years ago. Truly saved my life. Blessings on anyone who reads this.
  4. Without Pandy's, I would have no hope for a better life than what I have had.
  5. Thanks so much Susan. (hug)
  6. Anniversaries

    Well we "celebrated" our 15th anniversary yesterday. I came home from work about 5:30 and he arrived shortly thereafter. He had forgotten our anniversary. Somehow we get into an argument about money UGH, and I just left and went back to work. I stayed at work until 1:30am, long after the night janitors left. I had no interest in coming home, but the kids were there. So I returned long after he was asleep. My kids were still awake, waiting for me. I went to work today and came home. We have not even said two words to each other tonight. I came home at 8:30pm and everyone is staring at me wondering what I am gonna cook. Everyone (read "he") knows Wednesday is my late night at work and the gym, but dinner is still up to me right? I guess he couldn't cook it. I am just frustrated and venting, but isn't that what my blog is for? It all goes back to silence doesn't it. I am so used to being silent, being silenced. So I just function that way. I soooo used to not be that way. I used to be very outspoken and used to stand up for myself. Gotta get back to me. Gotta find my voice again.
  7. Thanks Susan. I did look up some counselors in the area and hope one day to be brave enough to go through with it. (hug)
  8. Breakdown or broke down?

    I am so close to a breakdown or has he already broken me down? I am on the verge of tears constantly. I cannot take it anymore. The crappy thing is that I cannot even call the crisis center to be admitted for a breakdown because this is where I work. Get this, I work for the local community mental health center. I help others manage their lives and mine is in shambles. Gotta go, will finish later. He is here. Ok, back again. So I have over 35 people on my case load and I help them manage their finances, their physical health and treatment, their mental health and treatment, compliance with meds, transportation to appointments, to resources such as Social Security and DHHR appointments, and even socialization (going shopping or to lunch with them). But here I am living a lie, depressed, and so unhappy. I have them all fooled, but just how long can I keep up this pretense? I cannot get counseling, crisis stabilization, or psychiatric treatment from here because EVERYONE will know it. We have a lot of problems with communication of work matters, but no problems with the grapevine being inactive. UGH. Plus, how can I tell a coworker that I work with everyday that my husband rapes me? I can't even say the words out loud, let alone tell a coworker who counsels my clients. I would not be able to look them in the eye anymore. I have always struggled with saying the words and have never been brave enough to go to counseling. But I think that in order to have the full benefit of counseling for myself, WE both need counseling. But only if he is willing to change and really work at it. I can't take disappointment right now. There is not much more I can take right now. I guess you could say I struggle with indecision. It took me 7 years to leave my ex boyfriend, another 3 to finally get rid of him. I have been married to my husband for 15 years and have not made any one single plan to try to improve this situation. I say I will go to counseling, but I guess I know it won't work as long as I continue to keep myself in this situation. And guess what, the local domestic violence women's shelter closed down. I can't go there. And even if I did, it would be very easy to locate me in this small town. Even if they were open, would they take me in? Maybe not since there is no evidence of him hitting me. Foolish to even think about that when it is not an option anyway. So here I sit, nearing a breakdown, because I cannot seem to stand up for myself. I guess I never really healed from all of my exboyfriend's abuse so many years ago. I thought I had and was on the right journey, but if I were, would I have continued to put up with my husband hurting me even if not a daily thing? Am I broke down? Am I unfixable? Or am I as close to a breakdown as I never wanted to be? Did my exBF break me down? Yes! Definitely! Is my husband breaking me down? Yes! Definitely! Was I already broken which is why I have continued to let myself be broken down even more? YES! I would have to agree.
  9. Thanks UIA. If I didn't have Pandy's, I am not sure what shape I'd be in. Thanks for reading and reminding me I do have a voice and am not alone as i so very often feel alone, suffering in silence. I often wonder what others do without a place like Pandy's to come to and have a voice.
  10. I still feel silenced

    My husband is still silencing me, hurting me in the night, taking me when he wants. Sometimes he allows me to say no but when he doesn't, I am silently taking his pain that he gives me. I cannot talk to anyone about it, cannot scream no, cannot make a fuss. I am silenced and knowing this makes me feel so worthless and unloved. I function, I work, take care of the kids, do all the things I am expected to do, but inside, I feel what is the point? I go on silently bearing this pain. How long can I do this? Well we have been married 15 years.............................. I opened up my blog today. I have had it locked, I guess trying to hide it away, silencing myself. In my own small way, opening this up lets me speak even if not out loud.
  11. My poems

    I wanted these all in one place. So I am reposting to my blog YOU WON’T LET ME I want to move on, but you won’t let me. When I feel like I have moved on, you drag me back just a little bit so that my feet are still touching the hole that I tried to climb out. I will never get out of that hole. I want to move forward, but you won’t let me. When I feel like I am making progress toward the light, you pull me back to the dark side again. I live in the dark. I want to heal, but you won’t let me. When I feel like I am healing-healed, you hurt me again. I feel the hurt worse each time. I want to feel respected, but you won’t let me. When I feel like I have earned your respect, you disrespect me again. I will never have your respect. I want to feel loved, but you won’t let me. When I hear you say you love me and begin to believe it, you steal that love away when you take from me what I don’t want to give. I am unloveable. I want to feel like a strong woman, but you won’t let me. When I make a mistake, you make me feel weak. I will always be fragile and useless. I want to feel like a whole human being, but you won’t let me. When you hurt me, you take little pieces away. I will never be whole. You won’t let me. Silent Screams I cried, I screamed. No One listened. I said Help me please. No One came. They watched. I cried, I screamed. No! They heard me. They Stayed away. No One came. They heard. I cried, I screamed. Now In my head. I learned To stay silent. No One came. They left. My screams are silent To them. My screams, I shout, so loud in My head. I’m silenced. gentle Gone I longed for The touch of your hand gentle and caressing Hands Rough cruel The touch Ruthless I longed for The sound of your voice gentle and soothing Voice Critical vicious The sound Cold I longed for The taste of your mouth gentle and warm Mouth Hard biting The taste Of blood I longed for The look from your eyes gentle and loving Eyes Jealous burning The look Frightening I longed for The feel of your arms gentle and safe Arms Restraining pushing The feel Brutal I longed for The smell of your body gentle and intoxicating Body Large pressing The smell Of fear I longed for The love of your heart gentle and caring Heart Small callous The love Gone Know Me Completely Know Me I wish I could Reveal what I survived How I still live. I tried You did not hear. Am I strong To try again? You are my Partner, my love, The one I chose ‘Til the end. I need you to know My long ago Is still here. If you Know this, know me. Completely. Child Hold On Am I Ready to die? He wants to kill me Or control me? My Child. I know Your fears. Hold on. Stay strong. Your time is not yet. Are you Ready to die? I want to kill you He said to me. In his search For control Of me, he often lost his own. I paid the price. How much longer? Child. Stay strong. Will I die? I cried inside. Will he kill me? Not this time. Not yet. Weapons: Words, hands, love, guns, fear, pain. Tools To hurt. Too much to bear. But I did. Child. Hold on. I left I feared. For life. Or for pain to never end. Can I die now? No. My Child. You must stay. Your child needs you. Be strong. Hold on. Your time Is not near. How can I live Now that I am free to be alive? I did not die. Now I wish I had. No. My Child. Your husband needs you. Be strong for him. Your time is not near. Hold on this time. When can I die? The pain It hurts so. It scares me. Not yet, My Child. Your children need you. Be strong for them. Hold fast. You have much to do. I am still scared After all these years. Now! I am ready to fight back After being dead so long. My Child. You will not die today. Be strong for you. You need you. Be free. Live. Ready to die. No. My road is still long. I am alive. Not ready yet. My Child. You held on every time I whispered in your ear. But I was holding you. All the time. My strength is yours. Hold me now. I am Scared. And I am ready To let go? To live! Behind the Mirror Will I ever see The me that they see? Who am I? Am I who they see, who they think I am? Am I? They see one person. I see another. They say you are so nice I see selfish They say you are strong I see weak They say you are smart I see stupid They say you are kind I see hateful. They say you are so modest I see immodesty. Will I ever see The me that they see? Who am I? Am I who they see, Who they seem to know? I don’t know who is the real me. They say you are a wonderful mother I see a failure. They say I love you I see nothing worth loving. They say you are a survivor I see someone who has died. They say you love to laugh I see tears behind the laughter. They say you make me happy I make me sad. Will I ever see me as they do? Am I the me I see inside Or the me they see outside? Or am I trapped behind the mirror And cannot see My own reflection? and Control My Soul two poems meant to be read one at a time and then side by side with the lines running together
  12. My worst: having my husband rape me after he knew what had been done to me in my past and him telling me I "had problems" when I wanted him to understand about those problems and not use them as a weapon against me. How did I get over it? I haven't yet. Still dealing with the pain.
  13. strangled and raped in the night

    I am sleeping in the bed. He comes in quietly. I guess he is quiet because I don’t hear him come in. He was out late drinking. I wake up to him ripping off the blanket and jumps on me. I struggle to kick him off. I am bucking and trying to use my arms to get him off me while I am also kicking my legs trying to make contact. He hits me in the face right on my jaw where the top and bottom of my teeth come together. I feel like my jaw bones are separating. I feel one of my back teeth cracking and I try to spit out the cracked piece while still fighting. He grabs my hair and pulls my head back and slaps me several times in the face. Then he punches me in the stomach. I am out of breath and in pain, but somehow, we end up on the floor. Somehow, one of my kicks gets him and I struggle to get up and get away. He grabs my leg and pulls me down on my stomach. I hit my elbows as I fall. He is on my back and has my hair and is shoving my face into the floor. He is hitting the back and sides of my head and my ears are ringing. My feet are still kicking but basically kicking the air and back down to the floor. I feel his knee in my back pushing into my spine and then his hands come around my throat and he starts to choke me. I don’t even know what I did to deserve this. He is saying nothing. His silent anger is worse than words because I don’t know what is wrong or how to bargain or deal my way out of this. I am still on my stomach and trying to get my hands on his to pry them off my neck. His hands are so big that they go all the way around and I feel them squeezing my life away. He has one hand in front and the other in back so he is no longer on top of me but beside me. My legs are kicking and there are spots in front of my eyes and I think I am dying now. So this is what it feels like. The room is getting dark and suddenly he lets go of my neck and I have air. I am coughing trying to get more air in my lungs and he rips off my underwear and shoves his penis inside me from behind. I am so grateful for air that I don’t try to stop him from raping me. He shoves harder and harder and I can’t even scream because my throat hurts so badly. My body jerks with each shove and as I am sliding on the floor the rug scrubs against my skin and I feel his hands under my hips holding them up so he can push himself deeper into me. Each time he shoves into me he grunts. It sounds like HAAAAH, HAAAAH, HAAAAH, only real hard sounding. Finally with one last shove and a really long GAAAAAAHH, he comes inside me and gets up and into the bed without another sound, leaving me on the floor. I can’t get up so I just stay there awake until the sun comes up a few hours later. I try to roll over and I moan a little. He wakes up and I am terrified. He tells me to clean up the mess. I look at the floor and there is blood under my head and under my hips on the rug. I crawl into the bathroom for a rag and try to clean up the stains. He goes in the kitchen to get a beer. After I scrub as hard as I can for a while, I give up and go tell him I can’t get all of it cleaned up. He slaps me hard right on the area where he hit me last night. It hurts and the tears come to my eyes. I feel anger and confusion and sadness. I want to yell at him and ask him what did I do wrong? Why did you do that? But I don’t say any of those things. He goes under the sink and gets out a big bottle of bleach and throws it at me. I drop it and he tells me to use it on the rug and get the stains up or he will pour it down my throat. I pick up the bottle where it fell on the floor and get a bowl of water and carry it all in the bedroom. I mix up the water with a little bleach and try to scrub at the stains praying I don’t ruin the rug. He leaves while I am doing this but I know I have to finish or the next time it will be worse. I finally get the rug looking decent enough for him and I put everything away. Finally I can take a shower. I get my first look at my face in the mirror. Damn! My mouth is swollen, my eye, there are marks on my neck. One side of my face has rug burns and so does my chest. I have blood on my thighs. My knees and toes are even bruised from kicking and struggling on the floor. My eyes have little red places in them sort of like they are bloodshot. (Or at least the one eye I can open all the way). I take a shower and try to be gentle in cleaning myself but it still hurts. Then I get dressed, get in my car, and go home to my own place. See that is what gets me. I went there. I stayed so many times. We weren’t married. We did not even live together and still I kept coming around over and over. I think because I refused to move in with him or marry him (even though he asked me many times and I said yes but never actually did it) he felt like I did not love him enough. So I tried to show him I loved him by spending all my free time with him, staying with him many nights, but by not giving up my own place made it worse. If I had given in and moved in with him, I don’t know if he would have been better. I could never convince him all the way of my love. But after that night, when he would come in and rip me out of bed onto the floor and rape me, sometimes with the pillow under my face so I could not breathe, I stopped fighting him because I learned that if I fought him I might die. Some people fight to survive, I stopped fighting to survive. So I let him rape me over and over. I think he liked to see me struggle for air while he held my face down in that pillow. I think it turned him on more than hitting me. Sometimes I was able to turn my head down a little or even slightly to the side so I could actually get air, but I would still act like I could not breathe so he would not figure it out and really shove my face down. I hated to hear his groans as he shoved into me. It reminds me of when those weightlifters on TV pick up those huge weights and then drop them down with huge groans and yells. It was like he was using all his energy to rape me. I hated it. I hated him. I loved him. I hated me. I can’t stand this. Just can’t take anymore of these memories. I don’t want to know these things. I want to forget. I just don’t understand. I can’t take it.
  14. So ALONE

    I guess October is significant to me and so I wrote this stuff down tonight. Some of it may be repeating what I have already said but more details emerge and some of it is new. Just general thougts I just sort of started writing and let the thoughts flow because I could not hold them back. Tomorrow, I will stuff it all back in again. Anyway the stuff below has triggers triggers triggers for specific names of body parts, for r*pe, for details of our s*x life. I wake up and he (my boyfriend at the time and now he is my ex) is inside me. He does not care if I get any pleasure. I am just an object he uses to get off on or in. I am dry. I am not ready for him to be inside me, but he does not care. He just pushes his way inside me and pushes and pushes while I silently hope I get wet to ease the pain. He does not kiss me or caress me. He only pushes inside me over and over until he comes and rolls off me. It wasn’t real bad this time. It was not long. Sometimes it is long and he gets sweaty and I get sore and cannot move too well the next day. I remember other times when he puts his fingers inside me and puts all of them inside me. It does not feel good. It was very uncomfortable but at least he made sure I was wet so he could do it. So I let him put all his hand inside me because at least I was not dry. I remember when he used to push inside me harder and harder and then he would come out of me and move up to my head and push his penis in my mouth and make me suck off my own body fluids and sometimes I even tasted blood. It was sickening. It made me gag. His long penis in the back of my throat, my own blood on my tongue made me feel sick. I remember him making me lick his anus and stick my tongue in and my fingers. He was not always clean when he made me do this but he didn’t care. It drove him crazy. I mean he loved it. Just because I was doing this for him did not always make him go easy on me. Sometimes he would be so excited he would grab me and push it in so hard before I was ready. Sometimes he would have the Vaseline nearby so he could put his penis in my rectum quicker. So when he did have it out, I would try to sneak some and use it on my vagina before he tried to push inside me. I did not know about lubes back then and did not realize that Vaseline was not the best thing to use, but it was what he had. Besides, if I would have known about lubes and would have bought some I believe he would have accused me of something. I never got the Vaseline out, but I would sneak it if he had it out. He liked me not to sleep in underwear so he could get to me anytime. For years afterward, I always slept in underwear. Even if I try to sleep without any in the past year or so, I still grab a towel or something to put between my legs. I cannot stand to be open not even for my husband. A barrier has to be there even if it is just cloth. So I would have to wake up if someone tried to remove the underwear or the towel. It is not that my husband will try to do something while I am asleep, but I still am afraid. Anyway, when my ex would wake me in the middle of the night by grabbing me off the bed and and pushing his penis in my anus (and other places), most of the time he did use Vaseline when it was anal, but it still hurt. It still hurt. I got to the point where I would not even try to say no anymore. I would just lie there and take it hoping he would get off quick. I would do the things he wanted so he would get off quicker. Sometimes though it would be hours before he was done with me. Many nights he liked to try every position and every hole. He could go on and on except when he was really drunk. If he was really drunk and not just a little drunk he would be meaner though but it did not last as long. So it was a trade off. Meaner but not as long of an ordeal. Which was worse? Once he even tried to come in my ear???? Of course that did not work because a penis just does not go in an ear???????. I was always glad when he rolled off me, but sometimes he liked to stay inside me and see if he could get hard again and keep going. If his penis came out, he would blame me that I had “pushed” it out. When he had gotten an STD from another girl and after he had been treated for it, (after the county clinic called me in for testing and found me negative). I then looked in his closet for signs of cheating and found the prescription bottle they gave him and was crying and told him about the clinic calling me and that I knew he cheated on me. He got mad and we argued. It had been a long time since I argued back so much because if I argued back he would hit me. This time was no exception and he grabbed me and threw me down and pulled off my pants and stuck the prescription bottle inside me over and over. He kept yelling at me if I had been tested and what was the result. I had the results in my purse and I was crying and said they were in there. It started out me being mad at him for cheating and turned into me having to prove I did not cheat on him. He dumped my purse out and found the results. Only then did he admit that he cheated but he said the girl only gave him a blow job. I used to get yeast infections and other infections (but not any STD’s) a lot and he used that against me trying to say that I was cheating. I guess when I look back at it now, maybe it was a lot of things that caused me to get yeast infections: stress, the Vaseline, unclean sex (anal and then vaginal), him making me bleed a lot, and not being able to wash off afterward or at least pee afterward since he liked to keep me there in case he wanted more. I have already talked about the way he used to bite me and whip me with the belt and using objects inside me. I can’t write about that again right now. But they weren’t always clean either. I used to write about things in my journal but he found it one day and read the things I had written about him and it turned into a big argument and yet another time he forced himself inside me. So I threw my journal away and stopped writing in it. I tore out and kept some of the pages of poems I had written and hid them where he could not find them, but I could not hide my whole journal there. I remember when his uncle tried to kiss me and when he used to come up behind me and rub and grind against me and I could feel his penis through our clothes. This same uncle had a daughter who was beautiful. She was my ex’s cousin. I remember when we went dancing and my ex had her on the dance floor. He worked her over to the wall and was grinding up against her and rubbing on her while I watched. His sister yelled out to him “that is blood man, that’s blood” meaning for him to back up off her. I remember when his other uncle tried to have sex with me but at least he did take no for an answer, but I was so scared because the men in this family were so f’d up! I was trying to tell him no in the nicest way I could so he would not get mad and rape me. I don’t even know how I got mixed up with a family of men who were so f’d up!!! My ex and his cousin competed all the time. His cousin was such a womanizer. His girlfriend was in the hospital and we went to see him at HER apartment. He had another girl there. Well he had girls everywhere. His cousin now is a record producer living in the Charlotte area of NC. He married one of those girls, but he cheated on her the whole time they were dating. I never worried about him coming on to me though. For whatever reason, he and my ex had a code not to take each other’s girls. But competition between them still was heavy. That was the reason for the forced sex in front of his cousin and his girlfriend. That was the reason for many times he hit me because he would be embarrassed in front of his cousin about something I said or did wrong. I made my ex look bad so I got hit. I remember one time he was working in NJ and I was still living 11 hours away from him. He wanted me to come up for the weekend. Well I got up at 8am worked all day Friday and took off as soon as I got off work and drove 11 hours to go see him. Well after harassing me to come see him he was not even home when I got there. I did not know how to get to his place and could not get a hold of him on the phone. So I sat in a diner from 4am until 2pm waiting for him to come home and tell me how to get to his place. I finally got there and was dead on my feet from exhaustion. I had been awake for over 30 hours and he wanted sex. I tried to say no and explain how tired I was. I told him to just let me take a nap for an hour and then I would give him what he wanted. Well turns out I drove all the way up there for him to r*pe me. I could not even try to stop him I was so tired. Once he was done with me, I staggered into the bathroom and threw up. Then he let me go to bed and sleep a couple of hours. Then it was up again for more sex and then some dinner. Then bed again for more sex. Sunday came around and I had to get ready to leave. He mysteriously lost my car key (the ignition key but not the door key) so I would be unable to go home and go back to work on Monday. For some reason, I had the “knockouts” from the original keys. I called the auto club and they made me a new key and so I had to leave late Sunday and made it home just in time to report to work on Monday morning. So no sleep until Monday night after a long and terrible weekend. I later found that key inside a pack of gum in the car. ??? I pulled out a stick of gum to chew it and out fell the key. He admitted putting it there. He did not stay in NJ long because I would not give up my job and go up there with him. I somehow knew if I gave up my job and married him, I would be completely cut off from everything and so completely alone. I felt very alone anyway, but at least I was living near family and had a good job. I was unwilling to give those up for him and I was right. I know this was long and I am sorry. I am just having thoughts again of him. It will be fifteen years this coming October 31st that I left him. It is a huge thing I guess, an anniversary, but I just cannot get into the mood to celebrate. Maybe later on this month I will feel more in a celebration mood. I remember that October 31st too. There I was in my new place in another state far away from him. I had not unpacked my boxes and only had bologna and bread in the refrigerator, but I went out and bought candy and sat on the front stoop and handed out candy to the kids coming around for trick or treat. It felt good. Of course, not long after that, the stalking began, but at that moment, I felt good. But now mostly I feel alone with no one to talk to.
  15. I am new to blogging so if you all figure the way I can individually change the order of postings let me know. I know that most blogs I have read on the internet do have the most current at the top which is the way mine here at Pandy's is set up. So if there is or is not a way for me to rearrange it, that is cool either way.