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About Lyla

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  1. Honey I am very sorry this was your first time. First times are awkward enough when you choose to do them. The shock of being treated so badly is terrible when it is by someone who you think loves you. Alcohol does terrible things to people, and makes them do stupid things. I come from a family of alcoholics. They have blackouts, extremely violent and volatile behavior. It turns them into monsters. It does not excuse what he did at all. They drink. They have demons they know are there, and they come out when they drink too much. I dated a man for a while who was an alcoholic. He was the gentle kind, but he did outrageously stupid things while drunk. He picked up women from bars when we broke up and caught an STD. He got two DUI's, and was working hard at a third. I could tell him his drinking hurt me. I could tell him that he endangered my life when he tried to pick me up while buzzed out of his mind. He would say nothing to me when I asked him if he had been drinking. He would not pull over to let me drive. Still no excuse. And definitely there is no excuse for what he did. I think I heard it before, "He was an asshole who choose to drink." I too thought it was a normal thing when he got drunk. My family partook in the same behavior where they would get drunk daily and I would think it was normal because it was all I knew.
  2. I used to feel there was a chasm in what I knew and felt, and what other people knew and thought about sexual abuse. I felt conflicted when things happened to me, and it took a while for me to look at it from "a big picture" perspective. My initial attempts at therapy avoided this, and any dialogue on how violence had affected me. Memories of the physical and sexual abuse were triggered by movies I would watch. More of the sexual abuse memories started resurfacing when I was 20, around certain people, who ended up being abusive. I had trouble in relationships and that slowly resolved itself. I literally would try to block out things, and then I would stop sleeping at night. The thing is, society, and what the professionals think are happening in my mind, could not be easily fixed by a pill. It's easy to say, "you're broken, now take this- you were never sexually abused." This has been one of the more difficult conflicts to overcome. Silence can kill you. Therapy imposed silence is worse. I would love for my memory to just go away but the problem is, it's worse to try to make yourself a blank slate. Healing for me has been a process of coming out and just saying it, whether it be through activism (which is very important to me), or to another person in conversation. My healing has come through expressing what I know, and sharing with others. I can never give that up.
  3. And shame creates a cycle of self defeat, broken relationships. When a therapist goes to help you, they are supposed to help break that cycle, not add to it. I told my therapist I was sexually assaulted. She countered back, "Oh I am so sorry you were taken advantage of." I countered back, "NO. It was sexual assault." She said it again, as if she was uncomfortable that I may add a detail. She looks away from me too. "So sorry you were taken advantage of." I don't know why that bothers me. To me it suggests that I was assaulted because I was merely gullible. It suggests I was used at my own expense, or at fault for not recognizing a scam or a swindle. It makes me more complicit, and responsible. The "expense" is quite high though, and suggests that the person doing it was much more than a scam artist. They were much more brutal, and they weren't smooth. They left me with no choice. But why do therapists do that? Did they not learn about this in school? I guess you can't teach empathy. I had it said to me before. "You were just taken advantage of." But he pushed me, and he got aggressive with me in front of his friends. He committed acts that in a different pretense like pushing me in an argument, would be considered assault, but here it's not? The comment does not allow responsibility to lie where it should. "He took advantage of you." I said no quite a bit, I had to hit him to get his attention to stop. I stopped him. Yet he only took "advantage" becomes a meek excuse. It does not let responsibility settle where it should.
  4. Another more recent comment came from my bf... To make a long story short he began raving that I probably fear getting raped by Splugo from the Yugoslavian mountains. Let's just say I caught my boyfriend doing something red handed, and when I said it was totally inappropriate, that's what he came up with. No Splugo wasn't over for a visit either. Again when someone feels guilty about something they will say the dumbest things.
  5. I may have said this before. I still get catty underhanded comments from my ma. She was talking about an acquaintance who had been brutally, and repeatedly raped in childhood, and she said, "if you're abused and you suffer from depression like that, you are just weak." Other times she just plays games with the truth. I was hospitalized for depression and she denied it, and told me it never happened. Then she will switch to chastising me for getting hospitalized, "oh it's just your fault." This is pretty stupid to me because a. if you are raped, experiencing depression afterwards is usually pretty common, and b. severe forms of clinical depression, or more severe forms of mental illness often have a trigger such as abuse. I guess I think people make catty stupid remarks because in order to open up, they feel they will reveal themselves, or show some, weak, vulnerable, or perhaps flawed side of their self. I think my mother's comments come from knowing she is responsible for some of my suffering, and if she just bitterly, and staunchly denies it, then she doesn't have to be responsible.
  6. I was told to try dbt as well. I thought about it. I may ask my psychiatrist when I see her next week to get me in the program at the local hospital. It sounds promising
  7. I'm addicted to writing. It's all good. I just think it can be interpreted however anyone wants. It's not owned by anyone. I know maybe that's the most difficult thing given it's about abuse. We want to own it, and yet let it go, but it's hard. To me anyway. That's how I see it. Don't know if it makes sense
  8. My brother's stupid, freeze dried ex girlfriend. I have never met a dumber person than her. I was homeless, as a result of my brother and mom's behavior. I was couch surfing. My bro's ex gf had a retarded bf who wanted "to kill" my brother, and allegedly after finding out I was his sister, he wanted to make sure I never came over to their place to sleep. So my bro's freeze dried ex tried to call up my pedo stepdad, and make me go stay there. when I asked her if she was stupid, or crazy, she replied, "You have no where else to go." Yeah um, youth shelters. They're everywhere in my neighbourhood, and since Children's Aid didn't consider my last stint of issues at home a problem, any shelter would willingly take me,(and on my own effort, they did take me). I was appalled that she would try to make me stay with my stepdad, who I had pressed charges against, and told her. She called me a bitch. All I can say is what an idiot.
  9. It can help. When it starts working just think of how good you feel and how you want to keep feeling good. That's the trick, once you start feeling better you want to stop taking them, but can't. I know I am the same way with pills.
  10. I thought I was approached by a guy I had issues with years ago recently. I think he has kids now too. Makes things hard when a lot of "nice" men do these things.
  11. I've had a hard time with my mom. Sometimes she did real vindictive stuff- lie to family, try to make me homeless, and get me stuck in bad situations. It was real messed up when I was young when she lied, to put me out of the house, and everyone just accepted her lie, that I just ran away, and it wasn't her creating a situation to get sympathy. Other times I love her but know she will never tell the truth about our relationship. It's sad how enabling the rest of my family is with her. It took them forever to understand some of the shit that happened.
  12. hey Lashelle, WOW. This incredible all you have been through. When I have trouble mentally I sometimes get a little delusional and go off the rails. I don't hear voices. I just got into a weird delusion. When I was 22 and began thinking I had some sort of psychic power, and began just going off the rails. I got very depressed too with all kinds of weird, distorted magical thinking. I made an effort never to go back to the hospital again after that. I was in university when this happened and I was able to get back on an even keel. I am not sure what to make of my little episode. I'm not sure it was a disease like Bipolar. I still have issues with anxiety. I think people are staring at me, I hate subway rides as a result. the paranoia bit I think is just automatic thoughts/poor self esteem. In anxiety group I remember seeing the doctors stop and read a sheet from one of the patients, and I remember thinking in my head, "they're reading my sheet and think I'm probably really messed up." I was talking to someone in group as this was going on and my attention drifted towards the doctors. Even though the doctors were probably pleased over the progress of the patients in my head they see something wrong with me. Again no doctor knows what to say about me in terms of illness. In terms of homelessness, I think it's the most stressful thing. I think having a roof over your head is crucial in helping with the stresses of an illness like Bipolar. In Canada we have some huge non-profit group which houses the mentally ill.
  13. I remember when I belonged to some messed up stupid forum, where we found out the forum creator was a pedophile (in the end), I had some pretty stupid comments, and in hindsight, ignorance from the creator that clearly indicated his sexual hang ups. I felt often blindsided, ignored, and just passed off when I discussed abuse by a woman. I was drugged- I often think I was stalked, and attacked by more than one perp, including a woman who seemed to perpetrate it. When discussing this experience some of the members would not even want to discuss it, claiming it was "just sex" and even tried to normalise an incident of gang rape/sodomy. I said I was drugged and couldn't scream during a rape by two people, and I would get a comment from one girl that her partner asked to "bugger" her, and seemed to think what I went through was normal ????? Maybe she was trying to relate- but there is a difference with being asked to do something, than being outright threatened with said sex act, and then have it perpetrated against you, while drugged, and involving more than one person. The owner of the site would never say, I'm sorry this happened, this is wrong. It all seemed strangely normalised like I should've of expected it, and I just didn't want the a*** rape. The site owner often just refused to talk about it, or tried to ask about my sex life, and preferences. I remember he once IM'd and tried to talk about my sex life, brushed me off when I brought up this incident, and asked if I "pulled" when I went to a nightclub once.
  14. I go through the same thing. Hell I even delete the history on my own computer just so I am not reminded of what I looked at. I have one experience I am confused about that I do this constantly over. Was it rape? I feel guilt, confusion, fear, shame, grief. Alot of stuff happened around this one particular event and I feel like I am trying to put it all together. It's sad how my family victimized me at that time, and it makes so much sense why it would happen again. Some days are better, and I guess that is a part of healing
  15. In the city where I live they have a grassroots sexworkers support org. I'm in Canada I don't know if that would help much or if they have links to other similar organizations. I was pushed into a scenario that was like prostitution as a young teen. I was threatened, and coerced into it. The way it was done was sick. The person offered to help me initially with family problems but then turned it against me, and the money initially offered got used as a pawn to never touch me again.