foreverhurt

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About foreverhurt

  • Birthday 11/07/1962

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Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Minnesota
  • Interests
    Writing poetry, anything on psychology, reading to learn, drawing, movies, having fun, crafts, photography, just being outdoors, and shopping because it is relaxing to me.
  1. Relationships

    I am not sure why i feel the need to write this but i do. I feel writing helps with what i need to get out. Well i was s/a by my older brother for a few years when i was a little girl. I ended up getting married to a man who was verball abusive and very controlling. He had an anger problem that just got worse over the years. I was married to him for almost 23 years, got divorced shy of a month of the 23 years. I had to get a divorce, as much as i think you should stay together because you are married, i just couldnt put up with his abuse. After my divorce i was in a couple of other relationships where i was taken advantage of, these men were users and they used me to take care of their own needs.. That being said it was a rough time. I loved one of these men only to find out that he was in a commited relationship with someone and had no intentions on leaving her. Yet he made me feel like he wanted to have a future with me. Stupid me for falling for him. My father and i had a wonderful relationship, this gave me the strenght i needed to know that yes there are good men out there and not to give up an them. My father was a good man who was always there for me, no questions asked. I knew there had to besomeone for me out there. I stayed single a little bit then i met someone on myspace, yes my space. LOL. He lived out of state but was originally from my home state. We actually talked on the phone for several months, then we met. I knew more about him by just talking to him in the several months then i have known anyone. He was a good man with a good heart. He knew how poorly my ex treated me. We were a couple from the moment we met. It took me a long time to get used to a man treating me good. He is such a sweet man, I was finally blessed with a relationship that i dreamed of. We have been together 6 years. We have lived in a couple states but are back in our home state, no place like home i guess. In the 6 years we have been together he had to have knee surgery, and had some back problems. In 2012 he had the widow maker heart attack, he stopped breathing and i did cpr until the emts came. I knew you had to keep the blood going thru. He came out of that with 2 stents and a defibrillator. He had a couple of issues there. He pretty much had no heart damage which the doctors cannot explain and he has no memory loss or brain damage, you see he went without oxygen for 24 minutes. I did cpr around 20 minutes. His come back was amazing. Someone was looking out for him. Well then several months after that he had to have hip replacement. He was only back to work a month from his heart attack, he was off 6 months because of that, Him being off 6 months and me being off work because he had to have someone home with him just about ruined us financially. Then he had total hip replacement. He did great with getting a new hip. He is one tough cookie. Well now i just had total knee replacement several weeks ago.I mention all of this because with all of the health stuff going on we are just financially ruined. We live check to check on a small income. He had to change careers because of the defibrillator he now has. So income wise a big change. I am not working now but was told i can return to work anytime when i am ready. My knee isnt quiet ready. So i am looking for a job in a town of 600 people, and also looking in the surrounding towns. Its like really! I am a city gal who moved to the country, which i love. But the problem with this is jobs are really sparse. People here work at jobs from the age they can start working till the age they can retire, im serious. My boyfriend/fiance doesnt make much, and we have bills i cant pay, and here i sit. I cannot find a job. But i look at it like ok, I am happy, i am in a great relationship which i thought would never happen, we have a roof over our head, and one vehicle. So many more people have so much less. I just couldnt imagine. Finalcially yes i need a job, bad. He wants to make more money to. I figure things will happen when they are meant to happen. There is a time and place for everything. But i am so stressed with struggling financially. I tell myself to be patient. I tell myself not to worry, but im human. Things could always be worse and i know others have it worse. I just keep on praying that the good Lord will help us out just a little bit. Just enough to know bills are paid and we dont have to worry about meals and doctors visits, and whatever. I call this post relationships because there are 3 men in my life that made a deep impact on who i am. One is my older brother who s/a me. Took me years to recover from this, am i 100 %? No,but i am good and i am a true survivor. The second is my first husband who always made me feel like i was a nothing with his verbal abuse and controlling anger issues. I grew thru this and found myself, i said no more. No more will i take his crap. I got help and left him and healed. The third is my boyfriend who is my fiance, we have been together 6 years almost seven, and we have a wounderful relationship. He treats me so good, and i am so happy with him. Just gotta let life make its own changes and hope that financially things will get better. I have grown so much and the road has always been tough for me. Many years of struggling. Many years of pain and tears. But i have grown and i know that little thing called Karma will bless us and make things better. Soon i hope. I look back at my past relationships with men and thru the years i evolved and learned to be the woman i am today. It can happen with hard work and with the belief that things will change for the better. Keep possitive pandys friends, keep strong.
  2. Surgery went well. WHEW

    I had total knee replacement of my right knee on Apr 9th. It went really well. Got out of the hospital on the 10th. They said i was exceeding all of their goals so i got to get out early, woo hoo. It has been 3 weeks today and i am doing great. walking all over, doing things like before. without the pain of course. Very glad i finally had this done. Had i known things would have went so well i would have had surgery a couple of years ago. It does get like a sore stiff when i sit to long or at night when i sleep. Sleeping has been my biggest enemy because my knee gets sore and stiff, so i rearrange myself all night, lol. I mean all night. oh how i would love a full nights sleep now. But i knew this would be one of the things i would have to deal with after this type of surgery. They told me this. So i figure if this is the worse of it, i can deal with it. i am pretty tough cookie. So now i just gotta keep a healing so life can move on. I am so excited to have a pain free knee. I will be able to do so much, plus things i have not been able to do in a while. I am looking forward to this and new adventures.
  3. I am a sexual abuse survivor

    I was sitting in my chair this morning and it just popped into my head out of no where. I am a sexual abuse survivor. I got sad when thought about it. I was like, where did that come from and why? Knowing how it affected my life, and all of the hard work i had to do to live a so called normal life. Why did that pop into my head? I asked the same things i am sure you all have, why me? Why did this happen to me? I believe things happen for a reason in life whether good or bad. I feel that if something bad happens to you it is so we can come to a point in our healing that we can help others that have gone through the same thing. I feel we can be a voice to get what happened to us, to stop. Public awareness is powerful thing. We can help change laws, and educate people. I am proud of my healing. But like i have said before i have my moments. Then the one question thing after another happens, have i done all that i can with my healing? What else should i be doing? How can I make ME more better. Bad way to word that but you get it. The usual questions, and many more. I use to have bad flashbacks, i get little snippets of flashbacks now and then that totally throw me off because i have come such a long way. Do i want to totally block it out? No i don't it is just not healthy to do that. This is my life, i function day to day the best i can. I live to the best of my abilities and try to be happy. But when that popped into my head this morning i thought ok a memory from the past AGAIN. They pop up whenever they want at the most inconvenience of times. I know you all know what i am talking about. So i think to myself, ok time to impliment what i have learned through my healing journey. Time to work through it. I am not one to sit and analyze something all day long, i do not think dwelling on something is healthy. It just puts you in a deeper hole. I am better now but i just had to write it out. Writing has been huge in my healing whether something short or long. It doesn't matter, what matters is that you are getting it out. Take care everyone.
  4. My healing journey.

    Hi everyone, i just want to say that Pandys is a wonderful place for advice and comfort. I was s/a by my older brother 41 years ago. It lasted a few years. Since then i have gone through hell and back. I have gotten alot of great advice here on Pandys. I know that with the proper help and education your healing journey will come along just fine. I seen a t, read about a million books, ok seemed like a million. But i really believe on educating yourself because it is so important. But read legitimate stuff, not just anything. My healing journey consist of good days and bad, though over the years the bad has lessened quite a bit. But i still have my moments. I tell myself that i will NOT let what happened to me win. I refuse to let what my sick brother did to me take me down. I am a victim, and it was not my fault. I was a child, an innocent little girl. I told you i seen a t and read many books, i also wrote and wrote till it felt like my fingers were going to fall off. I write poetry and i have written some very deep poems about what happened to me and the process through out my healing journey. Writing was the most helpful to me. But everyone is different with this. I felt the need to write this because i see on here alot about people thinking that things will never get better. We all have our own pace with our healing and thats ok. Its ok to have the bad days with the good days. DO NOT DWELL ON THE BAD DAYS. Do not let it suck you in. I cannot stress this enough. Believe it or not you are in control, and you can say like i did that you will not let it win. Do not give what happenened to you the satisfaction of winning. You are all worthy individuals that deserve to find your happiness. I know it takes time to get this type of possitive attitude but with your healing journey it can happen. Just know we are all in the same boat on here, all at different healing levels. This is ok, and this is wonderful because on Pandys here you can get great advice on any level. I have come such a long way with my healing, never thougt it would happen. I to had my negative moments in the past but i try to be possitive now. My healing has brought me to this point. Keep working on your healing, keep as possitive as you can and tell yourself that YES things can get better. Do not let it win. My 41 years of healing has shown me that anything is possible. Keep healthy and find that strenght that IS inside of you. Pandys helped me alot. And i am grateful for that. I look back on my healing with pride. So can you. Take care everyone.
  5. Really!

    I found out that i have to have a total knee replacement of my right knee, and i'm only 52. Damn arthritis anyways. My knee has gotten alot worse over this winter, its time to get it done. But i hate surgery. I don't like getting put under so i get a spinal when i can. I am more comfortable with this for 2 reasons. I get sicker then a dog when i get put under and i dont like the feeling of getting put under because of what happened to me as a little girl. I just hope i don't get a headache like last time.The last couple of years has been really stressful for me because i have had alot of changes in my life. When i go through alot and i am feeling overwhelmed with life it triggers old memories and stuff. Not sure why this happens. Kind of the when it rains it pours thing. I can deal with this because i have come a long way with my healing journey. It just adds more crap to my plate. I have bad days but they are not as often because i have come along way with my healing. But i still have enough crap on my plate. Now i have to figure out how to pay bills for the 2-3 months that i cannot work. I am like most people, check to check living. Plus i have other things to figure out because i am having surgery. Money stresses me the most, always has. I have to keep the same outlook, i will not succumb to this knee replacement thing. I will not let it win. Sounds goofy i know but that was my attitude with my healing journey. I told myself that i was not going to let my older brother win, i was not going to give him the satisfaction. I was not going to give the situation the satisfaction that it won. I will not succumb. We are all in control of our minds. We can control it. the farther you get along with your healing the more you will understand this, i have 41 years under my belt. I am a survivor, and i will survive ths knee replacement.
  6. Old negative habit

    Hello friends, i have been dealing with something for years and i am still doing it. My older brother s/a me when i was a little girl. After he abused me he would tell me not to say anything because it was only our game. Then he would go into the kitchen to make this home made chocolate frosting on the stove top. After it was done we would sit down and eat this warm yummy chocolate frosting. Since then when i am stressed, worried or anything like that i eat chocolate. I will even make like a half recipe of a good home made chocolate frosting on the stove. Then i eat it while its warm. I am 52 now and i don't know how to break this habit. Chocolate is a total comfort food for me. Some people like carbs i like chocolate. When i make the home made chocolate frosting i do it when i am home alone, no one knows that i do this. I feel so guilty when i do this. When i am done i quick wash the dishes so no one will know that i made it. I can just kick myself for what a hold this has over me. I get so mad that i get the need to have it. Makes me sad and angry. I wish i was one of the people that hated chocolate. When i have it i do not sit and pig out on alot of it. If i make the frosting on the stove i make half a recipe and only eat a little bit of it. I am not someone who eats and eats it. Or i will have like half a candy bar or something. Through my healing journey i dealt with the major issues of being s/a by my older brother. The things that really needed attention. I let this go by the wayside and did not consider this a major issue of what happened to me, but it is still an issue i need to deal with. Its been bugging me alot lately. So my question to you all is has anyone had a similar thing like this controlling their life, and if you have what are you doing about it?
  7. Hello, Trust me, it gets easier. Hang in there.
  8. Hello, Please just know it was not your fault. Take care
  9. Hello, i understand wht you are feeling. But it was my much older brother that s/a me as a child. You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling. Never say you are sorry. I dont have anything to do with my brother, because i cannot forgive him and i dont know how someone could hurt a child so bad. All i can say is that healing is possible, things slowly get better. For me things have gotten better, i still have my moments where things will pop up that i have to deal with. Things will get better, just plug away a lil at a time and you will see brighter days.
  10. Hi, well if the info is current and correct you have every right to feel upset. Its unprofessional for her to lie, if she did. Also you need to think if everything is true, do you want to see her now anyways? Make sure everything is current and correct with her information.
  11. Very well said. I just wanted to tell you things really do get better. Just take baby steps. i had to do this with my healing journey. Never give up. i have been as down and out as you can get, but i anted a better life, i wanted to heal from what happened to me. I just took baby steps. If i got to overcome by everything i would take a lil break and go bak to it after a day or so, or a week or so. Take it at your own pace and things will be just fine.
  12. Thank you so much ladies. I appreciate your feedback and advice. Blessings
  13. This is for the ladies over 50.

    Ok ladies i have a problem. For those of you over 50 you will understand. I am 52 and I am now going through menopause, AHHHHHHHHHHH. So with menopause and how it makes you feel and trying to deal with the issues of being sa by my older brother i tell you its a mess. Its the emotional part of going through menopause i hate, how it makes you feel. I am not to keen on the mild hot flashes i get either. You understand im sure. So my question to you all is how are you managing all of the menopause junk while dealing with what we are all dealing with on here? The combination of the two is alot to handle. I am also wondering if the menopause thing is the reason all of this past stuff of what happened to me as a child is now popping up again. Any help would be appreciated ladies. I hope this is not to personal, if it is i am sorry.
  14. Thank you so much. You take care.
  15. On and off

    Hi everyone, i have been on and off Pandys for years now. The one thing i know is that i have gotten the best support and advice on here. It is wonderful to know that someone takes the time to give advice, someone that has been through something similar. I have come along way in my healing journey, and i am glad. but i do still have my moments to where i really don't have anywhere to turn but Pandys for advice and comfort. When i first came on Pandys i was in a really bad place, i was scared and so confused. The people here on Pandys helped so much. Through my healing journey i found myself leaving advice/ kind words on peoples post who needed it. The beauty is that if you know someone is having a hard time and you can really relate to their story, the best thing ever is to tell that person, you know what i went thru that. You will be ok, hang in there. Over the years with my healing things got better, the anger, anxiety, sadness, insecurity, flashbacks, and the other things got better/ lessened. I still have problems that pop up from time to time but not anywhere near what it was when i first came on here. Right now i am dealing with some confusion in my life, i am doing the why me again because of what is going on in my life. For me it all comes down to what happened to me as a child. I always think if that didn't happen to me i would be in a much heathier better place. I am sure you all can relate. I can just kick myself when i do this, grrr. I am finding myself re:hashing things in my life which is never fun but it must be something i need to do or it would not be popping up now. This vicious circle slaps you in the face from time to time. I know you all understand. Anyway i want to thank Pandys for the most wonderful support ever. Bless you everyone.