Hayley

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    608
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About Hayley

  • Rank
    Learn, heal, inspire.

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Scotland, UK
  • Interests
    Music, movies, books, art and spending time with friends
  1. Letter to my abuser/grandfather

    I am finally facing my fears by telling you exactly how I feel, although I know this is pointless because youll never take responsibility for the things you did. All I want from you is an explanation- a reason for being the chosen one so I don't have to carry this guilt anymore. I dont know why you hurt me or why I was the only one, but I now know that it wasn't my fault. I doubt Ill ever forgive you, I was just a child. I lost my innocence long before I could even tell you the meaning of the word, and Ill never get it back. The day you took it upon yourself to burden me with that awful secret, my life changed. Everything nice and pure in me was replaced by hurt and bitterness. Instead of being hugged, I preferred to keep myself at emotional distance. Instead of being listened to, I was ignored. Instead of enjoying a care-free childhood, I was battling with demons I was too young to deal with. Ive never experienced what it was like to be a child because I was having to cope with fears and worries living in the nightmare you created. I remember a time when I thought that the abuse would lead to death, and I was right. A part of me died when things progressed and suddenly we were having sex more times than I care to remember. It seems from my earliest memories I was doing everything you asked without question, and I will always regret this. You stole my body, made it your property and I don't feel like it belongs to me now. My body was used by you, my mind was moulded by you- who am I without you? It took me the longest time to figure that out. I will never forget you telling me how good I made you feel, begging me to let myself go so I could experience it all the same way you did. I remember the first time you asked me if I had orgasmed yet, but I was six years old and had no idea what you meant. I was made to feel like a sex object and even now, I sometimes believe that it is my purpose in life. You robbed me of so many things, but you could never take my strength. I wanted to show you that I was brave by telling my mum what you did. She confronted you and you denied everything. Thats when I realised for the first time that the life I lived was not normal, and I had been subjected to things that my friends and family didn't have to do endure. I felt alienated, a stranger in my own family and complicit in our acts. But I was just a child, and it was wrong for you to do all those awful things to me and make me do things to you that I was taught from an early age. You turned me into someone I never wanted to be. I spent years afraid of so many things because everything reminded me of you. The darkness, because I remembered waiting as a child for your shadow to appear under the door knowing what was about to happen. The wind blowing in my face, because suddenly I can't breathe and it takes me back to the times I was smothered underneath the covers. I cant tolerate men because your behaviour has led me to think that all men are sex obsessed and I cant stand you because you took away my life and by not telling people what you did, you still havent gave me it back. I dont cry when I think about the ordeals I went through, not because I dont want to but because I cant. I am mostly numb, but I still feel guilty and ashamed that I participated in this and I dont think those feelings will ever leave. I was three years old when this all began, and every family memory I have is tainted by you. All those birthdays and christmas's that should have been filled with joy, I was having to be two separate people. No one suspected that behind the laughter was the fear of being watched by you, knowing that my smile would be mistaken for consent and you would later take me to another room to play a quick game before someone walked in. I sometimes blame myself for putting on a happy facade because maybe you thought I was willing to perform for you. I admit I was possibly curious at three years old, but then I began to see you remove your belt in my dreams and suddenly it became a situation I desperately tried to avoid. But I couldn't escape.. It seemed to be never ending and even as a child I remember knowing the difference between wanting to live and wanting to die. Sometimes I was determined to break away from you, but after all those times of telling and being forced to go back I eventually gave up. This doesn't mean I was happy for you to continue abusing me. I wasn't happy being asked to sleep over and stay up late with you to watch those sex films, or pose for those photos, or learn new ways to try things. I have one vivid memory of you lying on top of me, and all I could focus on was the stars in the sky out the window- praying someone out there could see me and cared enough to save me. Those times it felt like the world stood still and silent, and I tried to escape to a happy place in my head but there was none. While you had your way, all I wanted to do was sleep and I remember going into school so many times exhausted but no one noticed. You took my virginity, my innocence and my identity but you could never take away my strength. By having the courage to speak out, Ive already proved that Im stronger than you. You cant even admit to what you have done. Despite spending the past few years being happy and finally feeling free, I have to acknowledge that the things in my life I desperately want to change I feel unable to because my actions and thoughts are still very much influenced by you. I was brought up to think that my worth was measured by what I could provide sexually, so for the longest time I acted out. Men could do whatever they wanted to me, and I would let them without ever feeling present. Now I can't be intimate at all. I don't feel like I deserve to enjoy what other people are able to.. and you ruined that by having me look you in the eyes during our times together, making it impossible for me to have this connection with anyone else without feeling disgusting and worthless. Sex is the most natural thing in the world, yet I constantly have to convince myself of this by remembering that all the people I consider to be good have sex too. It's not dirty or something to be ashamed of and I despise you for ruining my perception of this. Now I find myself in a constant state of indifference, and I am desperately seeking to find my emotions again so I can learn what it's like to feel human. I had to shut down in order to function because my teenage years were spent with you a heavy weight on my shoulder- a constant reminder of the time in my life I wanted to forget. As if years of abuse wasn't bad enough, the struggle afterwards desperately trying to find ways to cope on my own was arguably worse. Years of my life were wasted stuck indoors because I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to socialise and couldn't so much as answer the door to anyone. I look back realising I've missed out on so much and I feel like you stole these years from me too. Honestly, I am surprised I've made it here today. I'm not the person I used to be- I'm content, I have conquered so much and achieved even more... yet I'm still sat writing this to you. Is it possible to erase an entire childhood? I just hope that you've had satisfaction from this so that all the abuse I suffered for eleven years has served a purpose. It can't have all been for nothing.
  2. I guess my weirdest trigger is banana's..