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About Kao

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  1. Far below the gutters

    There's a lot going on. I wished there were good things I could share here, but they're not. They're the feeling wretched type of things, thoughts and emotions. The type where you wonder what went wrong and is this punishment. The emotions that are far below the gutters, seeping into the ground and under. The ones you would hope incinerates when it reaches to the core, but it doesn't get there. It lies halfway without resolution. Take gentle care all.
  2. I don't understand

    I failed and I don't understand why it's happening to me. I tried so hard, I put in so much time and effort. I made choices to maximize my success and gave up other things. People who don't care as much as me has made it, why can't I?
  3. I'm sorry your mom is not respecting your wishes. I don't use Facebook anymore because of similar reasons. Friends who matter and value your friendship will find ways to keep in touch. I also make the extra effort to reach out to people who I want to keep in touch with too. The people who matter will not mind that you left FB, and those who mind your decision, are people who won't matter.
  4. This is great news writer, I'm really happy for you! And it sounds like this director is very in touch with empathy, that's probably why his work stands out. Hope he invites you to work with his team in the future!
  5. That's great!! I'm glad he wrote back, hopefully he will look for your help in the future. You'll have to let us know, if that's okay, so we can be happy for you too!
  6. Good for you writer. I'm glad you wrote the email and sent it. I hope you'll receive a response from the director, not from the assistant.
  7. I like to live in my fantasies too. In them, we are who we want ourselves to be. I can go back and then.. re-write what happened if it didn't go the way I wanted. Everything is safe in my fantasies, it's what I would want in life ideally. It's so ideal I know it will never translate to reality. When I feel disconnected, I am more calm to others. I think it seems 'normal' to others because we are able to function on the most basic level - to finish our tasks, to not even question them, to not have problems with it. Maybe that's why it's seemed 'normal' to others because we suddenly become an 'ideal' person since we complete tasks without questions. I'm sorry you had to face many fears when you were younger. The fact you describe them as abnormal and no one noticed or helped you, is very frightening to think about. I wished you had someone there for you at that time in your life. You are older now, and you couldn't control what happened to you when you were little, but you are able to make choices for yourself now. You choose how you want to go on and you choose how you want to live your life.
  8. I can understand you. I always liked to start new - at a new workplace, in a new environment, in a new volunteering job - because I can be whoever I wanted to be and be able to leave and start again when things didn't work out. I still want that, it feels so much easier to move around than to stay in one place. I'm not at that place yet to stay still and not move around anymore. I'm glad you're tackling this on, and I wish you the best as you do so! You are ready for this change, you have so much self awareness and you know it too. That's important and I hope you know that too.
  9. I think our gut instiinct tells us when something doesn't feel right, something doesn't agree with us and it's for a good reason. You felt your gut telling you that, didn't you? When you were taking showers and thought someone else was watching - it doesn't make you paranoid, it makes you aware of your surroundings. It's not normal behavior for a parent to watch their child bath or shower when they are so much older! I understand if the child is younger and the parent is afraid they're going to drown when they're learning how to shower or bath themselves, but not when they're older.. that's just not right. I don't think you were imagining it. I believe you that someone was there and it made you uncomfortable. It doesn't make you the dirty person, you took the effort to make it safer for yourself, but it was the adults who should have been caring for you who didn't protect you. About smiling in the shower - I'm not sure what thoughts to give you. Sometimes I find myself reacting in ways to my own memory that I thought was inappropriate or weird too. Like.. I would giggle about it, I don't know why. I can only think it's because my brain is trying to help me cope and one way is to laugh it off. As if it wasn't real. Sometimes I feel cruel and I laugh at myself. There's a lot of guilt and fear wrapped up in my memory and I don't want you to think that's how one should ever feel about it. It's different per person and I think smiling in the shower may have been your way to cope or your way to make yourself feel like it wasn't real (like it was a fantasy, as you wrote). You couldn't have wanted something like this, and a parent is someone you truly love and care. You don't expect someone, or anyone you love, or anyone you trust, to break their trust to you and hurt you in that way. I think all these feelings you have are common, and from reading the posts in the forums I have learned that we're not alone in having these types of feelings. Each person works toward finding their own way to understand them, and how to deal with them. I hope you will find peace in knowing that, and continue to work towards your own understanding of your feelings and thoughts.
  10. Good morning to you. I'm sorry you had an awful nightmare, and hope that you're asleep by the time I'm writing this post. I'm glad you have a wonderful friend who directed you to Pandys, and I hope you'll find the support you need here too. When you wrote about how outwardly the whole world sees you as happy and friendly.... but inside... it's as if I could have written this too. I was always told that my problems aren't that bad because someone else was always worst; don't compare myself to someone who is worst, only compare myself to someone who is better. I kept to myself too, because my feelings, thoughts, opinions were not important. The fact you recognize you have these repressed feelings and thoughts, and you have the will to want to change this is already a huge step towards your healing. You don't have to deal with everything, right away, it's okay to take it one step at a time. When you share, only do so when you feel comfortable. The members will respond to you, and offer you encouraging words. Wishing you a safe journey in your healing.
  11. I hope your T will step up and work with you on this. It's important for you to tell your T that you feel this is really important and it's a pivotal moment in your healing - and if your T cannot address this, maybe there are alternatives she can suggest? Don't hide, you have the courage to confront this as you have already shown in your email. You're brave and you can do this!
  12. You didn't waste my time, and it's good to get this all out. It's not a pointless entry, I think it was really sweet of you to make meals for him. He must look forward to the lunches and dinners, home cooked meals are the best - especially from a spouse I would imagine! From your post, I can see how much you love your spouse and I'm sorry you're having trouble communicating it to him. Speaking and showing someone that you love them can be really hard. Do you think (or maybe you have tried, so I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive) that you might want to leave him notes? I find that writing is much more easier to get through my thoughts and feelings that if I ever had to say them. Maybe you can leave him post-it notes on the mirror when he goes wash up in the morning, or notes in his jacket where his keys are, or maybe even a bottle of water in the refrigerator? Ah, sorry if my ideas are corny, I have never had a significant other so these are just my ideal imagination ideas pouring out of me.
  13. It is very brave of you to have stood up for what you believe, having the patience to have explained it and disclosing your experiences. Despite your grandfather not reacting well to what you have to say, I'm really glad your family is supportive of you. Your grandfather is coming from an old school thought living in the modern era, and your work will help change these types of thinking for the future generations. Your grandfather may be stuck in his ways, but he did not need to shout. If he felt you knew nothing about men, he could have elaborated why he thought so, instead of calling you names. You took the high road - took the time and effort to tolerate him and speak calmly. That's amazing and you should be commended on that. He may be your grandpa, but it doesn't mean he can disrespect your chosen field of work, your beliefs, and your way of thinking (just like you don't disrespect his, but had a grown up conversation with him). ((sweetjane))
  14. Congratulations all around writer! You put in so much effort and work towards your goals, I hope it will all work out for you.
  15. That's wonderful somebodyloveme! I'm glad you were able to hear back from him so soon. I hope he'll be able to give you an address soon so that you can send him lots of care packages.