justremembering

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About justremembering

  • Birthday 05/10/1974

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    USA
  1. I am broken

    I am broken I need your help but your words only serve to break me more I know you did not do this to me but I can't bear to feel your touch You say you need me to say I love you but thats what he would say to me I can't bear to hear those words anymore I am broken please fix me is what i want to say help me find a way to love me again but please don't touch me dont look at me because he did that too Please don't send me away I have no where to go Please stop hating me for who I have become. You say you want the old me back Well so do I she ws a nice person fun to be with and funny too But I am broken I know you didn't mean to hurt me with your words but they hurt me all the same I know i am bad and dirty i am so ashamed of all that happened and all that I am doing now I know I'm a liar and a cheat but she didn't ever hurt me not with her words or the glares that you give to me now She cannot possibly hurt me she doesn't have the means to do so I know you don't understand me I don't either all I know is I am broken
  2. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time, sing if you want to dance if you need to. Live in the moment when nessacary. Somtimes it is the only way to get through the day. Do what your instinct tells you to do, its usually right. Many safe hugs- if ok. Stay safe, Just Remembering
  3. Just me rambeling

    Hi all. I haven't posted in quite a while. It's just been really hard to even think lately. I'm just not sure of what to do. I know I need out of this relationship but I'm so very scared. What if I can't make it on my own. I have so much pain on the inside that I just can't let go of. He says "I'm letting it run my life" and that it's a " choice in how you deal with it" How the hell would he know? He's never been hurting like this. It's all new to me. I am just remembering all this shit. I'm 32 and I feel like I'm that little 5 yr old again. I don't know why it's all staring to come back. I don't understand. He keeps saying "well I'm not the one who hurt you, why do I have to be punished, and your hurting so you take it out on me". I keep apoligising over and over. But I really am frightened. Horride nightmares haunt me, flashbacks from hell taunt me. Nothing feels safe anymore. I hurt so bad inside that it takes all my willpower to not hurt myself. I try to not do that. I did it as a teenager but I had never understood why till now. But the ureges are hard to resist, there coming faster and harder. I have finally told my mom. She was wonderful about it all. Just kept asking why I never told her. Well I was too scared to. I haven't told her that he killed our little dog in front of me just to make sure I understood, not to tell. It's just to hard somedays to go on. I'm frightened of what I might do. The other day I went for a walk. There's this little bridge, I just stood ther for about 20 minutes. Just thinking of how easy it would to end it all right then and there. I still don't know why I walked away. I wasn't frightened then. The thought didn't bother me. I guess I'm rambeling again. I just had to get this out. Its not much just all I can bear to write out. Thats all I can do for now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. God I hope so, I can't take this much more. Thanx J.R.
  4. hating myself trigger!

    Well i just woke up a little while ago. And it justs starts to go bad. He stzrts in an me. Yes I cheated with a girl I worked with just once and I did tell him. All I needed was a person whio hadn't hurt me yet. Happy fricken Easter to me. I get a present of GUILT and SHAME. All I want to do is fuckin hurt myself so bad that way maybe the world will leave me ALONE. Instead all I can do is grab a bottle of pills an take some. I am not brave enough to take them all. I wish I was. I hate this shit. Its killing me anyway why can't i just finish it myself. IT would make everything easier for everyone and me. I just make everyone upset anyway. I justy want it to stop. I hate me so bad. Someone make it go away. NOW!!! I can't take it anymoe. He just keeps (my ex?) talking making me feel bad. Then when I tell him he just says that its an excuse so i won't talk. Why can't he stop. He wants to talk abouit my cheating. But for me its all jumbled together. All of it. It all makes me crazy inside. I hate myself for cheating I hate myself for feeling weak, scared, everything. I feel so selfish all the time. Like its all about me. But I still can't quit. He hates me because I still talk to her. She was abused as a kid too. She tries to help me. I understand his point of view. I really do. But I need this person. I thinks thats his problem. I don't need him. I just want it all to stop now. This is just to damn hard. Why is this happening now. 32 yrs old an I feel like Im 5 again. scared an alone an so damn ashamed of myself that i want to just curl into a ball and die. I used to beg God to take me away. then i just stopped believing. He never sent any help to me anyway. I just hurt so bad, i feel so damn dirty. I cant get clean. Sorry I just had to put this down before I got stupid I think Im gonna call my momma now cause I need her so bad. thanx for "listening" J.R.
  5. Rambeling from me

    Hi, I'm back had a very bad week. My fiance and I are now broken up. But still living in the same house. It's VERY uncomfortable. But the good news is Cody (my son) is back home. He spent a week at my mom's house down south. He had a blast. This week has been horrible. All it's been is me hearing "We need to talk". I am soo tired of it. I need OUT. But I have no place to go. I can't go to my mom's house because I promised not to take Cody away from his dad. The other problem is I have no car. I depend on his sister to take me to work.(we work at the same place) But now Im afraid she won't pick me up anymore. So what the hell do i do? I have to get away to help myself. But the all I am is being "selfish, childish and hateful" and how can I just turn away from someone who loves me sooo much?" It's not easy escecially when I get sly remarks about my sanity. Like how I might be bi-polar. UM NOT! just really confussed and extremely angry. Which by the I try to deal with an my own thank you very much. Last nite I got slightly buzzed and talked to my mom for 3 hours. What she doesn't know is I also had a bottle of sleeping pills on the table in front of me. She will never know that she saved me . I threw them out the window of the car this evening on the way to the grocery store, its to much temptation to have them around me. I finally told her about the neighbor man. I was so scared. I didn't know how she would take it. She cried a little and told me she was sorry I never told her. Then she told me how much she loved me. That helped a little. I still don't know if I am gonna make it most days. But I keep on trying. Guess thats all that matters. Oh did you know that my ex thinks that until I get "help" (he says it so nastily) maybe I shouldn't be have Cody with me. GOD he makes me mad. Someone pray for me cause right now I don't think he's listening to me. Thanks for "listening" J.R.