bluebell

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About bluebell

  • Birthday 04/04/1976

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    New Zealand
  1. someone take control

    I'm so hanging in there if I stop I am going to fall apart. I'm going to put my family through the embaresment again. I want this to end this is going to be the last time no more. I'm just going and going trying to stay in control. But sometimes I wish that my doctor would take control and stop all of this. I'm so tired I want to stop but I can't I have to keep going. But it would be nice if someone took control and held me up and fought for me. This is the last time I hate going around in circles. They will end it soon.
  2. confused again!

    I just can't believe what has happened today. I was starting to work through everything its been very hard and at times over the last few weeks I wanted it all to end. But reading everyones strong stories on pandy's gave me heaps of strength. BUT today my psychologist told me i suffer from DID which was ok but then he said that because of this I wanted to be raped I wanted this to happen. How can this be and why would he tell me this. I feel like I have just taken a huge step backwards. How am I supposed to get over this, if I wanted this I only have me to blame. This is just horrible. I can't believe that I wanted what they did to me. This is just to much.
  3. :)

    I read through my blogs and I have decided that I need to be pro active and start with accepting these memories working through them (even if they are bad) and coming outside on the otherside. First thing I need to do is talk I need to find supportive people around me and get rid of toxic people in my life. I need to keep writing the memories taking them to my therapist and working through them. Lets hope I can do this. I need to start being brave and stop being scared of living with these memories.
  4. I went to see my doctor and nurse today to get off the compulsary treatment order. I've been having such a hard time lately with all that I'm remembering from my rape. I wanted to tell them how I truely felt what was really going on in my head. But I couldn't it was like this different person took over everything I said and I was just listening to my self telling them what they wanted to hear. I want them to help me and make me tell the truth and talk about what is happening to me. And tell them about the horrible feelings I'm having but I just couldn't. I know if I don't ask I want get help - I just don't know how too. How come they couldn't see it? Any way I'm off the compulsary treatment order so I don't have to see them anymore if I don't want to. So we shall see what happens.
  5. I don't Belong

    I was lying in bed last night trying to sleep when I realised the key thing in my life. I simply do not belong I tryly do not belong. I kept waking up thinking I don't belong. I don't belong with my family I don't belong with people at work I don't belong with my few friends I don't belong anywhere here. Theres no where that will accept me for the true me without me having to pretend. I pretend every where even to my therapist. I pretend that my thoughts are normal and that I understand what she is saying, when I have no idea. And I know mt thoughts are not normal. I want to fight this I want to deal with it. But its hard to do it alone and when I don't belong anywhere. There is no one challengeing me when I say I'm alright when I'm not. I want to tell people I can't handle this I want to ask for help. I just want someone to listen to all I have to say and truely feel without judgement without an agender. I JUST DO NOT BELONG ANYWHERE ON THIS WORLD!!!!! At least I know what that feeling is that I have been feeling the last few years. Maybe this is a good thing maybe I will be able to tell my therapist. Just maybe.
  6. Alone

    I feel alone I feel scared I feel numb I feel to much pain I feel confused I need love I need someone to tell me its going to be ok I need someone to give me a hug I need people not to judge me I need my family not to blame me I want to feel in control I want to live, but I'm scared, whats in my future???? No more pain No more memories No more blame I hate him I hate Them I hate her I hate myself I want to feel wanted I want to feel love I want to get over it and move on I want to live I don't want to be scared of the future Why are the memories coming back know? Why can't I deal with it? Why did they blame me? Is it my fault? Could I have stopped it? Did I make it happen? Did I want it? To many questions, that will never be answered? I don't want to feel so alone anymore how do I not feel so alone? another question never to be answered. I want to run and run and run and never look back.
  7. A huge ramble - no need to read.

    I hate myself so much the only thing that keeps me going is my children without them I would have no purpose and its because of them that I'm still alive. I wish I didn't put so much expectations on them for keeping me alive. I want to feel alive, I want to want to live and stop thinking about dieing. I want to stop thinking of the rape, for a whole week it has gone through my mind over and over again I want it to stop. How do I get it out of my head? One thing that I keep thinking about is how much it is my fault I chose to walk through the domain that night I could have walked around but I didn't. You think with my past I would have walked around. So really its just as much my fault as it was there's. They had an impulse (I think, although they were prepared) and I had in impulse to walk through the domain. So whos to blame? Why didn't I ran right at the beginning? I want to tell my therapist all of this I want to tell someone how I'm feeling, I want someone to hold me and tell its all going to be ok. I want to be loved, my children love me but I split from there father many years ago (this is another story) I haven't had a relationship since. I think people see that I'm used goods so they choose to stay away. You might say that I'm feeling sorry for myself and you might be right but it would be nice to live the fairytale for once. What I really need to know is how do I stop the memories do I need to talk about them to my therapist for them to stop coming, maybe? I've said this before I'm scared if I say it out loud it just will seem too real. Something way off topic that I need to write down my therapist and doctor think that my childhood abuse and the rape are the worsed things in my life but I hide something much worse that noone knows not even the people close to me. I don't think I will ever share it as if I do I think they will all think I'm crazy. But I know that eventually it will catch up with me and it most likely kill me. But there is not much that i can do. I don't know how to bring it up when talking to my therapist or my doctor. So it will just stay hidden untill it jumps up and pulls me under for good. I wonder what I would say if I meet up with my stepfather again (as mum and him are divorced, have been for many years) Would I want to kill him when I saw him? How about the two men that raped me would I want to kill them? I don't know. I do want to know WHY? I'm just typing what comes into my head as when I'm writing stuff the memories aren't to strong so I could end up typing just ramble after ramble, but as I know this will most likely not be read by anyone (just me) I think I just will keep writing to have a break from the memories. I found out from my last therapist (the therapist I had when I was raped) that I wrote out everything down straight after, he is sending it in the mail (as I live in a different city now) for me to read and compare with my memories. I think its going to be scary reading something I don't remember writing. He also told me that straight after he did EMDR on me which is why he thinks its seem so unreal to me at the m oment and that it might never feel real. But sometimes I would like it to feel real so I can deal with it and get over it. However dose anyone really get over this stuff I think you just learn to deal with it. And for years I was dealing with it I just don't know what happened for me to start not dealing with it. I thought the only trigger I had was the dark, I always get scared in the dark and sleep with a lamp on and music on. However today I took the girls and dog for a walk in our local park which has aplayground in the middle of it and its surrounded my trees. For the first time I was sitting there watching thme on the flying fox and I looked at all the tress around and became incrdiable scared and remembered how the trees looked that night and how there was a slight breeze. I've been to this park many times and it has never triggered me like today. (I'm falling apart). How do I save my life? I'm lost and I can't find my way through the darkness. Eventually the darkness will eat me up. Well the rambling needs to come to an end. Tomorrow I will wake up and smile and be happy to everyone, without them knowing my secrets and how I'm truely dieing inside, and thinking that I'm, I don't know what they think of me apart from the fact that I'm always happy. Which is funny because I haven't been truely happy since the birth of my children even then sadness came when I thought I hope they don't get hurt like me (and that was before I got raped). How do I save my life?????????????????????????????????
  8. Something Different

    I"m not going to write about my attack or chid abuse. I'm going to write how a fake I am at work everyone thinks I'm on a high I'm always happy and bubble and jump around like nothing is wrong. But man o man its getting hard to stay like this at work sometimes I just want to break down. A work friend came over to my house on Friday to discus some work things, and I don't know what happened I just told her all about my childhood abuse (not my attack as I can't say that out loud as it will seem to real) she was really good she listened and offered support. I hate smiling when I feel like I'm dieing inside. I want to feel alive and not a fake.
  9. It didn't happen!

    I have decided to believe it did not happen. That the attack did not happen. IT DID NOT HAPPEN IT DID NOT HAPPEN IT DID NOT HAPPEN. The memories I have feel so unreal. The story I wrote was just a story an awful story of a nightmare I had. Please someone take the memories away. I need to believe it did not happen. Who knows what will happen to me. Man this is so hard how do I get past this. IT DID NOT HAPPEN IT DID NOT HAPPEN IT DID NOT HAPPEN.
  10. I don't want to remember

    I know I start all my blogs with I woke up this morning... But I woke up this morning and I remembered everything of my attack. All my feelings all the pain everything. I wrote it in My story it was a bit long but once I started writing it all just coming out. I don't feel any better I feel worse that I remember it all it was better when I didn't remember it all. I hate feeling like this. I want it all to end. How do I process this without falling apart because I think I'm starting to fall apart. I know I'm on the road to a physical and mental break down how do I stop this. I hate feeling like this. I hate this. There has to be something better out there.
  11. I don't know?

    I woke up feeling very tired. I hate the dark and need a light on to sleep. When morning comes I feel relieved. I wonder if today is going to be a good day or will it be full of thoughts bad thoughts. Why do things have to be like this? Shouldn't I be over this already childhood was a long time ago and my rape happend 7yrs ago (I Think) is their a time limit for my brain to turn the pain off. Is it possible to wake up one morning feeling good about myself and not worring about my past? However I think I'm not going to get over this unless I talk to my T about it. Lets hope I don't fall apart. Man this is just one long ramble.
  12. Still confused

    I woke up this morning feeling like I want to move forward. But I just don't know how. I saw a therapist last week, I didn't say much she did most of the talking. I emailed her telling her that I wont be back to see her, she thinks I should come back and talk to her about it. I'm scared that if I open up I will fall apart. That I wont be able to deal with all of these feelings. Truth is last time I opened up to anyone (this happend a while ago) I crashed so bad I wanted to die. I pulled my self through that but I don't know if I'm stronger enough to pull myself through it again. The person I did tell ended up betraying me so that might have something to do with it. I find it hard to trust after this. I would really like to know what to do, and is there a better way of living or is this as good as it gets.
  13. Confused

    I think I'm at cross roads. I want to tell people how I'm truely feeling but I'm scared about what they might think. I've being thinking about the past lately and trying hard to make sense of it. Sometimes it seems so unreal. I want to talk about things but I'm also scared that I will fall apart if I do. Its been buried for so long that all those emotions could kill me. I have a new therapist and she reckons that by talking about it, it will help me to process it. I'm not to sure. People think I'm such a happy person but thats not how I'm feeling inside, I truely feel like I'm slowly dieing inside.