Hales

Contributing Member
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    12,687
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About Hales

  • Rank
    Walking tall against the rain
  • Birthday 06/30/1991

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    England
  1. Angry and self destructive

    I shouldn't be here tonight, shouldn't be typing anything, should just go and sit somewhere quiet until I sober up. Oh yes I am drunk again - big fucking surprise huh?! Poor old Hayley is turning back to the bottle yet again. Drinking away the thoughts, drinking to try and tame this anxiety, drinking to forget, drinking because no one gives a fuck what I do so I might as well. Self destruction is high currently when it comes to my drinking and my SI. I tried to reach out for professional help on Tuesday but got it all thrown back in my face and I have to wait until the next apt on Monday to see what they are doing. Fucking great!! Thanks a fucking bunch!!! So called I don't appear as being depressed!!! Oh I'm sorry that that I'm able to hide how I'm feeling! I'm sorry that I am pretty highly functioning! I'm sorry that I'm not just a emotional wreck 100% of the time! I'm sorry I didn't cry at the apt! I'm sorry that I didn't scream and shout! I'm sorry that I didn't come in showing of the most recent cuts on my legs! I'm sorry that I have a job! I'm sorry that I have things which I am succeeding in! I'm sorry that I have priorities over my mental health! I'm sorry that I am faking being well! You know what - what is the fucking point in all of this?!?!?!?! The reaching out thing?!?!? I find is SO fucking hard to reach out for that support, to let people in, because yeah I am bloodly brilliant at hiding how I am feeling!! I am almost 22 - and I have spent almost 22 years hiding all the pain, all the trauma, all the fucked up stuff that goes on in my head!!! The only time I reach out is when I'm so low that I'm terrifed of what might happen if I don't say something. But hey maybe I just need to do something that lands me in hospital. The other day a local women was on the top of a car park throwing plates off at the people on the streets - she got sectioned. Maybe I should do that, or maybe just go lie in the road, or just do something crazy so people can SEE HOW MUCH ALL OF THIS FUCKING HURTS!!!!!!] I'm not coping, but no one gives a fucking damn do they! As long as I can pretend to be this happy person, be there for everyone else, and I'm able to do my job then every is happy, no one cares that internally I'm flipping out and getting to the point that I may do something stupid just so someone will listen! So tonight I am sat here, angry, self destructive, crying my eyes out and I'm just going to keep drinking until I fall asleep. Hayley x
  2. SI thoughts

    I've just posted about this in the SI forum but I need to talk about this more, and this seems like the perfect place. My SI urges are going nuts tonight. I can't really understand why, but the fact that I'm drunk isn't helping things. I just want to cut, I want to feel it, I want to see the blood, I want to see the pain. I have fought so hard the past few weeks to stop myself, but tonight I just want to do it. I want to do it over and over again, I don't care if I end up in hospital, maybe that's the best place for me. Maybe I need some serious help, I need to be drugged up and locked up for my own safety. Right now I wouldn't care if that happened, if it meant that I could lose control then I would happily do enough to get myself sectioned. I know this isn't a healthy way of thinking, I'm just so exhausted. Logically I know I should be proud of how well I've done, how I have stayed strong and fought the urges. But part of me is thinking what is the fucking point?!?! I know that I will be a survivor until the day I die. I know I will have to live with what I have been through. I know I will always have to deal with this trauma. I know that SI will always play a huge part in my life - so if that's true what's the point in fighting?! What's the point of being strong?! I just don't care anymore. I just want to tear my body apart until there is nothing left. Truth is if I could die right now I would. Again I know that is the drink talking, I am not actively suicidal, I don't believe that I would go as far as to do that but right now it seems like a good option. I told myself I would never feel like this again, but I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to be strong anymore, I just don't want to do this anymore. It hurts so bad Hayley x
  3. Reading old posts

    I guess this will ring true more for those members who have been around Pandy's for a few years. A lot has happened over the past 6 years, not just in my own *real* life but things here at Pandy's. This place has grown so much, people have come and gone, so many posts, so much support, so much care and love and great spirit. I will, now and forever, hold this place in the highest standings. This place is amazing, it has saved my life on more occasions that I would like to admit. For me all my posts for my first 6 months or so of being here have been deleted. To be honest there is a lot of posts I've made over the past few years that I have asked to be deleted as I just didn't want those darkest times to still be here. I've found myself recently looking back through old posts, not just my own old posts but those topics which I know even now, a few years down the line, still hold such importance for me. The problem with looking back through posts from the past few years is that I realize how many people are no longer with us. I mean that in two ways. Firstly those members who were so active when I first joined, who were the basis of my healing in those early days, who have now moved on from this place and no longer come back here and post. To be honest while that hurts I'm so happy that have healed and have gotten to a point where they no longer need this place. On the other hand there is a number of members who have been lost over the years. Their deaths, for whatever reason, have always struck this community hard. We have had a few which will always stick out in my head, again because they were such a large part of this place and/or just simply played a huge part in my own healing. But when I think about it I know a number of members who have died with little recognition. It pains me, because sometimes I think that it should be me, I should have died, I shouldn't still be here. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I don't know if anyone else does this or understands. I'm just hurting for those who are no longer here. I'm hurting for the pain that people go through while they are a member here. I'm just hurting that over the past 6 years I'm still here - I still can't work out if that's a good or a bad thing Hayley x
  4. Work me V real me

    The past 2 days have really given me something to think about, I'm not really sure where my head is at with things. I had a 1-1 with my manager yesterday - to be honest I was completely dreading it! I hate 1-1's at work, not that they are 'bad' or anything but I get myself so worked up and worried about what my manager is going to say to me that I just convince myself that I am just going to get a verbal battering for a hour or so. Truth is I have a lovely manager and our meetings are not like that at all! She wanted me to think about and note down some things which I thought had been going well and not so well and what things I would like to do in the future while at work. Sitting down and reflecting on this before the meeting was most likely what set me off on the little panic - the unlogical part of my head said to me "well if she wants you to talk about the negative things that means you have messed up!" Me and my manager have a good working relationship. If I mess up she will call me on it straight away, but will do it in a professional way, not negatively, just looking at how we can do things different. Problem with me though is that I over think things, I am very self critical, and I take criticism very personally. I take responsibility for things which I *know* are not just my fault, and I constantly try to prove myself because I am so scared that I'm not doing a good job. Strange thing in our 1-1 yesterday was that she called me on everything I have just said above - she can see right through me. She knows how I feel, it's like she can see into my head, can hear my thoughts. Up until now I have never worked with someone who seems to be so in tune with how I feel. I tend to pride myself on the fact that I'm able to keep the "real" me and the "work" me separate, but she just seems to see it all. She gave me a lot of praise during the meeting, outlined all the things I'm doing well, that she has confidence in me, that I don't need to be worried and I don't need to be so hard on myself - she wanted me to know how she felt, and how things in reality are going (yet my messed up head always twists it to be negative I know!). After she said the positive comments she looked at me and said "how do you feel about what I just said?" - I didn't know what to say back to her, but I decided to say the truth because I know she can see through me anyways. I told her outright that I didn't believe any of what she just said, I don't believe the positive things that she seems to see. She validated that by saying that she knew that I didn't believe it, but that she wanted me to, and was going to work with me to make me see me the way that she sees me. It was very weird. I feel so comfortable with her now, and she knows that I have a "history" but no details, just that I have been through some stuff, part of me thinks maybe just letting her in a bit would help things, just so she wouldn't give me the look she gives me sometimes. Though I know she has enough stuff on her plate currently without having to deal with my crap, I don't want to give her something else to stress about. So today - it was just me and her in the office together all day as the other staff were off on training. We had such a lovely day, busy, but productive! I clocked about half way through my shift that I was wearing a top that shows some of the SI scars that I have on the top of my arm, they are faded a lot now, but they were visible Strange thing was part of me wanted her to notice them and say something - though I know if that ever happened I would completely freak out. *sigh* It's been a good 2 days, I've exhausted, and pretty confused about things, but I'm holding onto the positives. I just wish I could work out if it would be a good thing to tell her more about the "real" me so to speak, let her in to this darker messed up side that I tend to hide quite well at work. I'm getting there I think, but part of me is terrified of the fall out there may be if I let her in. Meh - why are things never straight forward?! Hayley x
  5. A fresh start

    I decided to have my old blog deleted, there is a few reasons for that. A couple of weeks ago I have having a bit of a down day and found myself here. I stumbled across my old blog, which I had been posting in on and off since about 2008. Geez it was a painful read! I read back through each entry, I laughed, I cried, I felt every emotion that I had felt back at the time I had originally felt when I had posted those entries. It hurt so much to relive those feelings, to see how much I used to struggle, to see the hopelessness, the trauma, the despair. Most of the entries were when I was on the edge, when I was in crisis, when I was barely holding on. Part of me wanted to keep the old blog, so I could have something to reflect back on, so I can prove to myself in the dark times that I have progressed in my healing and that things do get better. Though the decision to delete it was the right one. By deleting it I was making a step forward in my healing, I was finally laying to rest all of the darkest times that I have had over the past few years. Things have changed so much over the past 6 years or so for me since I first joined this place. I am no longer the terrified little 15 year old girl who had already been through so much. I am not that young person who kept switching between being completely ok and happy to being in crisis and barely holding it enough together to survive. This place already holds so many of those bad times for me, the blog was always a more private side of my pain, but I guess I needed a fresh start. So here we are - a new blog, a fresh start, looking to the future. I think the title of this blog sums up what this little space of Pandy's will become for me, it is just me taking it one step at a time, because I know I will get there. Hayley x
  6. I joined here back in March 2007 and I have not looked back! I just want to say a huge thank you to all of the staff (past and present) who have helped me develop over the years and thanks to each and every member who makes this site the amazing special supportive place that we have all come to love. I have learnt that I am not what happened to me - that I can create a life away from the abuse that I went through and that I can be successful and happy! I have learnt that healing is possible, and that there is support out there - I don't have to do this by myself.
  7. Hey hun, Have you tried reinstalling Java? That might work - try it and let us know! xxx
  8. I think firefox just randomly updated itself and threw all the settings out! I had to go back in and reset everything, cleared cookies and cache and that seemed to fix the problem! Thanks!
  9. Hey, So I'm having issues with firefox and accessing the board. I was online eariler and just about to send a PM and the site seemed to crash and I got the following message come up on the webpage: I thought it was just a glitch with the board but I am am still getting this error message every time I try and access the board from firefox. I've never recieved this error before and I have zero idea what it means or how to fix it! I know the board isn't down or it isn't a issue with my net settings as IE seems to work just fine. IE is driving me nuts tho because all the formating of the board is slightly weird which is why I switched to firefox in the first place. Can anyone help? Its not a big issue I know but its annoying me already! Thanks! Hayley x
  10. Is this the thread you are looking for? survivor appointment cards? H x
  11. Hi ocean, In the chat we will be mostly focusing on how we feel isolated as a survivor, so feeling alone in what we are going through, being isolated from our friends/family/wider community. But in this chat any aspect of isolation can and will be openly discussed, we will try and cover as many aspects as we can, or see where the focus of the chatters is and go from there! Hayley x
  12. Ah I've learnt something! lol thanks Heptet hun!
  13. I don't think there is, well I haven't found a way! I think the only way you can get the name/time/date of post is through quoting the whole post and then editing it down
  14. Ok what you need to do is have whatever you want in the quote box to already be in the reply box, so if its a part of a post just copy and paste the section you want. Then highlight whatever you want to put in the quote box, and then click the little 'insert quotation' button, it looks like a speach bubble. Or just put
  15. Thanks mods for working on this, I'm guessing this has been a issue since the board upgrade last year, I just never noticed until now!