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About Fussy

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    Silently Broken, Resting In Peices.

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    Nth QLD, Australia
  1. Stressfull few weeks

    The past few days i have been centering myself again as so much has been happening in the past 2 weeks. The week before my b'day was very stressfull as i tried to get my youngest son back but failed, i only got to spend 15 mins with him after driving all up 2,500kms. Then came my b'day, always sh*t why should i expect it to somehow be different each year... No one remembered as usal, spent the day alone, no one cares, always the same. Then tried again to take my youngest son and failed but ex and I made an agreement at the police station that he is to bring Nathan to my place either next weekend or the following one and if he feels that it is a "suitable enviroment for nathan to be in" he will leave him here. "suitable enviroment???" WTF how could my house not be suitable, his brother lives here and he is only 1 year older than Nathan. But i let him have it his way, ill let him check it out as long as i get my son back i dont care anymore. So that was another 2,000km trip for a whole of spending 20mins with Nathan. So now i am back home i am just centering myself again and calming down after the emotional weeks i have been having. I have been quiet active in the group over the past few days which has really been helping me to stay open as i feel i am closing up again and i know once i close up i cant heal or deal with any of the problems as they are pushed so far away. I am also wanting to work on doing some more healing but i havent been able to start any again just yet, not sure where to start or which part i feel like focusing on. Keith hasnt contacted me since arguing with me the night before my b'day, guess he wants nothing more to do with me. Which would normally upset me greatly but as i have had so much going on i haven't had the chance to be upset about it. Now i am centering myself again i have thought about all that has happened in that relationship and worked out i am better off without him and i can heal better without his stress. So now his leaving and no contact has been a blessing in disguise. I have only had mild urges to contact him and have put my thoughts to better use else where. Normally i am contacting them despratly trying to get them back and feel so lost. This time is compleatly different, i am happy he is not here, i am happy he is not contacting me and im happy i dont ever have to put up with any of his s*it again and can just concentrate on myself and my 2 boys and healing and rebuilding my life without any of the problems that go along with relationships. I am still battling with feeling numb and not being able to cry, i feel so full and need to let it out but i just cant. I feel that if i could cry and let some of this out i would feel better and truly be able to start working on healing myself of all of these wounds. My strong side is back, and protecting me from everything hurtfull again and i feel my other side, the real me is dissapearing again, but i am trying so hard to stay myself. But with all the stuff that has been happening i know i would have never survived it without my dragon side. It does protect me well, gives me strength and determination. Thats all i can think of for now, im going to go and center myself some more and possibably start work on my healing again.
  2. Something i wrote

    You dont see the pain behind these eyes can you hear the thoughts? you say you undersand but how can you? has it happened to you? The total loss of control to be used for someone elses pleasure helpless to fight back scared to escape numb to emotions happiness lost forever he stole my trust he stole my faith he stole my soul he stole my life never to be returned or found your scared of it repeating your frozen with the memories you hear him in your head you feel so dirty you cant wash it off it wont leave you how can you get over something that runs so deep it takes you over from the inside how can you see things the way you did how can you experenc happness like you once did But yet your told to move on to heal your past and let it empower you how can you heal this when it has consumed you whole Broken trust broken dreams now just a hollow shell numb to the core crying out for help but no one can help you time cant erase save me from the nothing i have become
  3. Hello, I am new to blogging but i thought it might be a good idea to be able to get some stuff out as i am now alone again (b/f and i broke up). I am so messed up in my head, i feel like im going to have a breakdown or something. I handle my thoughts and feelings for a few days then it all just explodes in my head and i become someone i dont know. In this state i think about suside, cutting myself and compleatly lose it. Then i calm down after a day or so and i so confused as to why i would do, say or act that way and then punish myself for acting so badly on top of everything else i am dealing with (flashbacks, thoughts, feelings, day to day life, money, ect). Now due to one of those bad days i have lost my b/f who i loved dearly all because of how screwed up i am . I feel so alone and lost now i dont know what to do. Its like my life has already ended but i am still here to endure the pain and suffer. I dont see any way out and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My b/f was my strengh and my light, but now all i am left with is darkness, pain and regret. Lost, Empty and Alone fussy
  4. My Triggers are... Being touched intimatly lakes at night celicas white with black XB hardtops (car) red XC (car) work ute harly davisons caravans clowns periods swimming with a male any sex scene or intimacy adds of sexual/attraction nature sexual talk in person or on tv violence my hand being grabbed and put anywhere kissing sometimes clubbing some clothing i own that was worn during an attack knock on the door sound of my gate opening front or back door being open curtians not being drawn (incase someone can see though the window)