Hidingfromwolves

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About Hidingfromwolves

  • Rank
    It's just me
  • Birthday 03/10/1978

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  • Website URL
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Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Rockford, Illinois
  • Interests
    I love kids
  1. OK I just discovered some that are different.....maybe not weird I don't know God Jesus Gospel music
  2. Today......still feeling the urge

    I had an ok day. This morning I was restless so I was trying to get everyone up and dressed so I could get out of the house. Monique got mad at me because she doesn't understand the struggle I'm dealing with right now. So we went to the mall and milled around for awhile. Then we went to Walmart. We got home and I was still feeling restless. I wanted to go back out. My ex called and asked me if I would swing by and pick up some school supplies she bought for the girls. I felt like a teenager begging for the car keys. I felt the need to ask Monique if I could go over there instead of just saying that was what I was going to do. I went and took my oldest daughter with. She gave her pizza and we watched a movie. When we got home Monique was upset that we were gone for so long. I must admit that I did want to hug my ex. Partly because of how she was feeling and partly because of how I was feeling. I didn't because I never reach out to others because I'm so afraid. She didn't and I'm pretty sure it's because she is afraid of crossing boundaries with me. She mentioned the other day that she still has feelings for me. I'm getting more and more confused. All in all the day wasn't bad, but the entire day I have been thinking of SI. It was really bothering me at her house and she kept asking me what was wrong. I told her nothing. It is something. I've drawn, danced, gotten online, talked to friends, cuddled the baby, and I even ate cookies........but I still feel like I need to SI. I don't get it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I stop?
  3. I need help to stop SI

    My phone has been disconnected and I desperately need to talk to someone. I don't know what to do. I need help. I can see that now. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused.
  4. my sister

    My sister and I had kind of a love hate relationship growing up.....at least on my end. She is 21 months younger than me.I cared about her but I couldn't stand her at the same time. Something that I'm not quite ready to discuss openly....happened with her. Well basically when we were growing up she began to idolize me. I hated it. I got so angry. She would wait to order food at a restaurant because she wanted to know what I was getting so she could order the same thing. She would steal my favorite clothes. She followed me around all the time. She would mock me. I hated it. People tell me that it's normal for a younger sister to feel that way about an older sister. Not to this degree I don't think. Well we both grew up and I got away from her and started my own family. Ever since I had started dating, she told me about having dreams about everyone I dated. I guess she has erotic dreams about my partners. She told me about crushes she was having on my partners (both male and female). She even went as far as to say that she thinks she's bi after I came out. Trust me she's so not......shen told me that she would let a woman do her but could never reciprocate. I told her that's not bi that's selfish. She even admitted to having an erotic dream about her and me Ewwwwwww. I was so angry. Now she always calls me honey or sexy. It's so weird. I hate hearing this from my sister. I don't know how to make her stop. It literally makes me sick to my stomach when she tells me stuff like this and calls me sexy. She's always telling me that she loves me too and I think I may have said it once or twice in the last 20 years. I guess I just want her to grow up and stop saying things that make me uncomfortable. Oh yeah and she's always trying to hug me.UGGGGHHHHHHH!
  5. Didn't even know I had triggers.....

    I started out just thinking that I'm weird. I am so jumpy when people touch me and I hate meeting someone for the first time. I guess these are triggers for me. Being alone is also a trigger for me. I guess if I go down the list there are tons of triggers for me. I just didn't know what they were called. I thought there was something wrong with my brain something physical. When people get confrontational or angry and start yelling I am triggered. I want to run away. I SI again last night. The word "Alone"wouldn't get out of my head.....so I put it on my leg. And as I was doing it I must have gotten the other words stuck in my head because this morning I realized that there were "coward" and "sick" there too. I don't even remember Cu**ing those in. I hate myself and I don't think it's ever gonna get better. I start my job tomorrow and I'm feeling worse than ever. I think what happened 2 years ago in the same building is getting to me. I so need this job. I can't have a panic attack. I'm not sure if I ever told anyone here what happened back then......here goes in short. I met Sara online. She was nice and said that she just moved to town and wanted to meet some friends to hang out with. I was excited because I have a really hard time making friends and talking online was so much easier than in person. So we chatted online for a couple of months. We realized that she was staying in the same building I was working in. Huge coincidence. It seemed we were destined to meet. So she asked if she could meet me sometime after work cause we could go hang out or something. I met her and she started flirting. I didn't think much of it. I liked the attention because at the time I wasn't getting it at home. I told her that I was faithful to my Monique. She said that's fine she just wanted to hang out. I told Monique we should go out and hang with her sometime and introduce her to some people. She told me that she didn't feel right about Sara. So I spent time hanging with her for a few minutes after work some days instead. One day she said she wanted me to come up to her room and hang out. I said ok but just for a few minutes. I shouldn't have gone. I was already in trouble with Monique because I had told her that I was having feelings for Sara, but it wasn't like that. I felt special around her she talked nice to me. I wasn't getting that at home. I was not at all physically attracted to her...not at all. Anyways....I never should have gone cause she started flirting again. I reminded her of what I had said before ....this is just a friend thing nothing more. She said that's ok. Then we were talking and she kissed me. I tried to pull back but she grabbed my shoulders. She said stuff about how I tasted and I started to cry. She told me I was beautiful and deserved to be treated better than I was at home. She kissed me again and I don't know what happened to me because I didn't want to do anything. I just froze. She pulled me closer and I turned away. She said that she wanted to make love to me and I said "I can't". She said," sure you can". WHy didn't I yell NO!? God.........SHe reached around and lifted my bra up and grabbed my breast. Then with her other hand she opened up my jeans and put her hand inside. I just wanted to scream. I didn't say anything I was crying though I do know that. Why did I go up to her room? WHy did I let her do that? I am such a slut and if Monique were to ever find out she'd hate me and never speak to me again.
  6. I had a friend growing up. Her name was Jennie. We knew eachother from pre-school. Our parents were friends so we were always over at their house. Jennie was boy crazy. We were 12 years old and at this point I had been M for over 7 years. My mom was the only one who knew(because she had caught me). Jennie and I put ourselves in really bad situations. We would meet guys she knew from school at night. There was an alley across from her house that we would go to and wait for the guys. She would make-out in the alley with the guys. I didn't I was way too scared to do anything.....I was more or less there for support or like the body guard. I had a crush on Jennie and it really bothered me when she would want to meet up with guys. Then one night her parents went to a concert and I was supossed to sit and hamg out with Jennie. Keep in mind we were exactly the same age 13. Jennie had told me that she had already had sex at some party when she was 12. I really believed her. So this night she invited a guy over to her house after her parents left. They were on the couch kissing when they decided to go up to her room. I was alone. I got really worried that something was wrong because she was gone for so long. Then they came downstairs and he left. She asked me if you were supossed to bleed after sex. I told her yeah the first time cause your hymen breaks. She said she was gonna take a shower because she didn't want to get pregnant. I told her taking a shower wasn't gonna stop her from getting pregnant. (Where was she getting her information from. She obviously didn't pay attention in Health class). So her parents came home and drove me home. The next day her parents came to my house and were all glaring at me. Then our youth pastor from church came over too. Jennie told me that they found out she had sex that night. I listened outside the kitchen window. I overheard our parents and the pastor talking. Jennie's parents said that they couldn't believe that I let that happen and that they thought I was more responsible than that. Our pastor said that he thought maybe I should see a counselor. Jennies mom said that she didn't want us spending anymore time together for awhile because I was a bad influence. Her dad said that I should have been more responsible because that's why they asked me to be there to keep her out of trouble. SO I was supossed to babysit someone the same age as me? How come no one told me I was supossed to keep her out of trouble? Why am I the bad influence? She was the one who had sex. Jennie and I didn't see eachother for a few months after that and I became a very angry person.
  7. Recalling what I remember.....*T*!

    The very first memory I have is of walking down a hallway and my dad lifting me up to look in a window. I was carrying a bear. One day I realized the bear I was carrying was in my sister's memory box. I asked about it and my mom told me that I brought it to the hospital when my sister was born. That makes sense but that means my earliest memory was when I was 21 months old. The next memories I have aren't until I was like 5. I have a few memories of my family and stuff that happened. I remember some really confusing moments with my grandfather that I'm not quite ready to recount. Then I remember something that happened, but I'm not sure of my age as I don't have a good timeline. I had to be between the ages of 5-8. I think.....I don't know. In the memory I felt like I was 3 but when I go over the details of suroundings.....it just isn't possible because we didn't live in that house till I was at least 6. I don't know it's so confusing all of it.....but here's what I do remember. My mom and dad were going somewhere. My half-sister Pat and my half-brother Jim were up from Missouri to visit for the summer. I had always been afraid of my brother cause he was always yelling and cursing. Mom told me he had been hurt by his mom and that she was very mean to him. So I did begin to feel a little sorry for him. He is 7 years older than me. For whatever reason mom and dad were going somewhere and said that Jim was going to babysit us girls. The girls were Pat (4 years older than me), Annette (my full sister and 21 months younger than me) and me. They left us there and immediately Jim started getting mean. He told us we had to sit on the couch the whole time mom and dad were gone. We wanted to play. Pat said she had to use the restroom but Jim wouldn't let her go. She told him she was gonna pee herself, so he told her to go. Jim went outside to smoke so I got up and went to the bathroom to talk to Pat. She was 10 years old I do remember that. So I guess I was six. She was smoking in the bathroom. I tried it but it made me feel sick. Jim caught us and yelled at us and told us he was gonna tell dad. We were terrified cause we knew dad would beat us for it. We begged him not to tell. He made us go back to the couch. We sat there for 4 hours while Jim called us names and thrw stuff at us. Then I really had to go pee. Jim let me go. He went to smoke again outside and Pat came to the bathroom and told me to hurry so we could get out of there. We went out the backdoor leaving Annette behind on the couch. We stayed away till mom and dad got home. Jim got in trouble for hitting us, but we girls all got in trouble for disobeying and smoking. We all got beat. Poor Annette hadn't even done anything. Then one summer when they were visiting Pat had a doctor's appointment so it was just Jim, Annette, and me. Jim said he had a movie that he wanted me to see. He told Annette to go play. He put the movie in and it started out in an office. There were lots of desks with typewriters and secretaries. The boss came in and was showing a new employee her desk. She sat down and the boss left. As soon as he left the other women started kissing eachother and touching eachother and taking their clothes off. The new girl looked terrified and confused. I looked at Jim cause I was confused too and I felt very uncomfortable. Jim was sitting on the chair about 10 feet away and he had a blanket in his lap. I looked back at the tv and I saw the new girl being tied to a chair her hands and feet were tied to the arms and legs of the chair. Then the boss came back. He asked what was going on and they all looked ashamed. Then he saw the new girl and I think she thought he was gonna help her, but then he started telling the other women what to do to her and he took his tie off and tied it around her mouth like a gag................ I don't remember anything else about the movie that is specific. I remember feeling weird and kinda sick to my stomach. Jim asked me if I liked the movie. I just nodded. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to run away. I had already begun to M before this happened. I guess I didn't really connect that M and sex were like the same type of thing cause watching the movie was different. I think for the first time I really realized that it could be done with someone else. Some time after that I talked my sister into going in the bathroom with me and getting naked. I just held her to me and wondered why it didn't feel good like I thought it would. I felt so guilty about it afterwards that I didn't tell anyone till recently. I told Monique a few months ago. My grandmother was trying to have a garage sale and she was going to sell her walking dolls. They were about 3 feet tall so only a little shorter than me. I asked her if I could have one. She gave me one and my sister the other. We both began to play house with our dolls. I pretended mine was the daddy and I was the mommy. I used my walking doll like a blow up doll. At one point in time her arm broke off cause I was getting bigger and would still sit on top of her and try to get her arms to go around my waist. When I was about 11 or 12 I got caught with my doll and my mom yelled at me and took her and threw her in the field next to our house. I was so angry. I felt so guilty for the stuff I had done.
  8. My very first blog ever

    I decided to start putting my thoughts down here because my posts are getting kinda long and drawn out. I've been having a lot of issues lately and don't want to bother anybody or make anyone feel like they have to make a comment so I figured it would be better to do this and be random and confusing here than in the forums. I tend to start out on one subject and ramble off into like ten other things. I appologize beforehand because I will be doing that here. Feel free to move on and ignore me. I'm ok.