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About RWH

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  1. Hi ShinAkuma, I am glad that you posted. I have never gone to the chat room but I know that you only have to post 5 times in order to be able to post there. I hope that you find what you are looking for. You will find a lot of support and encouragement here. RWH
  2. Hi Forever! I am reading, listening, and learning. Thank you for sharing so much. It helps me to see your courage and determination to heal. It helps me to keep going forward. I skipped last weeks men's support group meeting out of fear. I called the leader again this weekend and I am going to try to go tonight (Monday). Maybe someday you will be ready to see a T again and/or a group will start up in your area. You certainly deserve it. Richard
  3. Forever, From as much as we have communicated I think that you are a terrific person. You have been very helpful to me even in the short time that we have talked. Don't let your brother's actions (or anyone elses for that matter) define you. I occasionally see your posts around in various forums and you have a real knack at encouragement. Unfortunately, you have been there in those situations but, you are trying to use your experiences for good. I couldn't get myself to my men's group last week. I just felt to worthless. But something the group leader said to me the week before continues to stick with me. I had told him (and the group) that I might not be able to stay the whole group time. He said that based on what he knew of my abuse that was very understandable. He was just glad that I was there at all and they would be there for me when I was ready. You have gone through a lot in life. You are very important and have importance just because of who you are. Go easy on yourself and keep sharing and encouaging others. Richard
  4. Hey Forever! I am sorry that you are feeling so alone and isolated. But, the best way that I know how I can be here for you. I am really not very good at expressing emotion and giving hugs but I am thinking of you. Your comments about desiring a support group for women and the lack of enough groups has further encouraged me to start going to my men's support group. I contacted the leader and left a message. I am going to explain that I want to come if he undestands that I may not stay very long. Then I want to try and come back the next week and stay longer if possible. I need an out. I feel pretty weak about not being able to sit in a group of men for 1 1/2 hours without leaving. I hope he agrees to the idea. If you think it is hard to find a women's group for SA survivors men's group are even less available. You talking about your desire to go and not being able to made me realize that I should not take this opportunity for granted. I should take advantage of it. I am really struggling and I must do something. Thinking of you. Richard
  5. I am so sorry Forever that you have suffered so much. You are very poetic even if the poems were so sad and painful. Maybe it helped you to write them and then to re-read them. I wish I could be of more help to you and take away some of your pain. But I can't even do that for me I am still struggling with whether to go to my men's support group that started last Monday. I really want to go but I can't even imagine staying 10 minutes. I really have to do something to try and break out of this cycle of pain I am in. I look forward to reading your blog. It encourages me that someone is pressing forward the best way they know how. Keep it up.
  6. This is a good question that I have never thought about. I was so young (6-7) that putting a name to it wouldn't have mattered. I didn't know anything about sex so the word "rape" would have had no negative or positive conotation to me. At the time, I was doing what I was told to do by my uncle so I would have attention and love. As I have started to deal with the resultant damage as an adult, I have struggled to call it rape for some reason. I am not sure why.
  7. Hi Forever. I am so sorry for your pain and inability to see an end to it. There is hope though. This coming from a person who just wrote his friend TJ to tell him he doesn't have enough hope to join a men's group for survivors of SA. I always have hope for others. I wish I had enough energy to believe that for me. I want someone to convince me to go to the group because I am too worn down to do it. TJ shared his testimony at his church yesterday about his SA and how God has given him hope and really changed his life in many ways. I know this to be true having walked with him through part of his journey. My God seems to be different than his though. I, like you have tried many things, I have read, prayed (I continue to pray), studied, talked, attended groups, had in-patient treatment, received counseling, etc. but I am stuck going in circles. If I try to deal with the abuse I am overwhelmed with pain. If I deaden myself and try to stop thinking about it I feel a lot less pain but life is dead as well. I wish I could help you more by giving you more hope and relieving some of your pain and discouragement. I am listening and there for you the best way I know how. RWH
  8. Hey Forever, I don't like to put the "hurt" part on the end of your name because I really believe that things will get better eventually. I don't neccessarily know how. But there is always hope. I too just don't know why something that happened so long ago can keep effecting me now. It has such a powerful hold on me. The pain/damage must go much deeper than I can even imagine. I can't seem to get away from it. We went to my brother's church yesterday morning and he was leading the prayer up front. When I closed my eyes I started to have flahbaacks of when I witnessed him being SA. Things like that do make it a lot harder to worship God!? Which makes me wonder how much of this recovery stuff is a spiritual battle. I know that the emotional and physical battles are always front and center. But the spiritual effects of all this seems to be a lot more sutle and harder to understand. I believe that I am the sum of all three- emotional, spiritual, and physical. One can't be dealt with without the other two being effected somehow. I was trying to think up some positive results of being abused. One is my perfectionism. I tried to be as good as I could and do everything perfect to avoid the abuse and be accepted. It was never enough but, now I am a good worker and very dependable. People know that I will do their job right (I do construction) and fix any problems until it is right. But I also tend toward workaholism as well so there is another side to it as well. I appreciated your reply. I was encouraged and here I am writing back and not isolating so much. RWH
  9. Forever, Your story is so relevevant to mine in many many respects. Accept I was born in 1959 and am male. My principal abuser was my uncle who had mental problems. He died back in 1971 and I don't think that I will ever forgive him. My marriage is like yours- we get along but there is no one for me to turn to. The flashbacks, memories, and pain- oh the pain that hits me sometimes as I remember. I was moving forward awhile back but when the pain got to be great I was starting to do some overt self-injury so I stopped all the therapy so I wouldn't have to think about the abuse so much. I have always punished myself in many different ways to this point in my life- like overworking, overeating, and isolating. When I started to do overt punishement it became to much. This is the first time I have ever replied to a blog so I don't know if your will get this and/or if you can even reply. I just want you to know that your are not alone out there and I guess that I am not either. RWH