TinaL

Member
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About TinaL

  • Birthday 04/13/1967

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Queensland, Australia
  • Interests
    Bushwalking, reading, positive feminist views, quaffing good coffee at lovely cafes,
  1. Sorry you went through that abuse with the step father Indyana. He sounds like a d@ckhead...rationalising his abusive behaviour. sorry....but felt I had to say that.
  2. Jhonenslilartist, ?? I am astounded that an attorney, in this day and age, would ask you what you were wearing???? Sorry, was going to post a very derogatory and sarcastic comment but have stopped myself. Sorry, you had to endure that!!!!!
  3. Ummm......Frannie I have no idea why your mom would say something so ridiculous like that!! OMG.....that is a terrible message to relay to a child! Cannot understand some people's reactions. Sorry you had to hear that.
  4. It wasn't my fault because I was only a little girl of 11. It wasn't my fault because you were my father and should have been the one to protect me. Instead you were the one I should have been protected from. How dare you stick your hands where no man should ever go with their daughter. It wasn't my fault that I struggle to trust men and their intentions.....as I saw you molest my stepsister...molest me....make numerous remarks about sex...played pornographic movies when we were only young teenagers...have at least two affairs that I am aware of while married to my mother.... It wasn't my fault that I don't know if I have a half brother or not...when one of your mistresses became pregnant...is it her husband's or yours? It wasn't my fault that when I witnessed my mother smashing the windscreen of our family car as you tried to gas yourself in it. It wasn't my fault when you used to drive drunk on the wrong side of the road with us children in the car with you until I begged you to stop. It wasn't my fault when you told me I was selfish as a teenager....gee...what teenager isn't? And by the way....how dare you judge ME after all you have done! It wasn't my fault when you physically kicked me when I was in the midst of deep depression which I didn't get help for when I was young. I am so sorry I didn't rally myself to be 'normal' with all I had to deal with. It wasn't my fault when my stepmother confided in me that she sprung you massaging her daughter in a sexual way. It wasn't my fault that you sat outside at the house in the country with a loaded gun threatening to kill yourself. It wasn't my fault that you were a poor excuse for a father, let alone a human being. It wasn't my fault that you are a piece of shit that takes up too much oxygen relegated to more decent human beings.
  5. Interesting article Enairy! Thanks for sharing!
  6. Exactly, M, it wasn't something you did...at all...as you said. It was something done to you! I know it is hard at times to remember....but we weren't to blame.
  7. Hey Mamielou, No, it doesn't mean anything is inherently wrong with you at all. And...no neon 'victim' sign. I don't know if I can explain it properly... There is a lady at my work...a scientist. She is outgoing, intelligent, social, confident. But....deep down I knew there was something there. No, she doesn't scream victim at all in her demeanor. I just knew that intuitively that something had happened to her. And....she eventually told me that she had been CSA'd by her father. (like myself) She opened up to me after I alluded subtly that the same had happened to me. From a survivors point of view, I guess we learn to hone in on our intuition that someone else may be a fellow survivor. This may or may not be the case with the men you disclosed your SA to. Maybe it is a certain type of vulnerability but that in itself is not bad. I am vulnerable. I probably flash 'survivor' because I don't socialise much and keep to myself. (protective behaviours). Don't take it personally. We are what we are. If being a survivor is somehow broadcasting itself to others...well so be it. Maybe, those who see that will be a little bit more considerate of their dealings with us?
  8. Just reading some of the ignorant, hurtful remarks that have been spoken to survivors.... I wish there was a televised, public campaign educating everyone on the devastating affects of SA and CSA. I know I am grasping at straws here, but at least it would be a start to overcome the ignorance that most people carry. Just wishing.....
  9. Hey Voice... That is so great that you have found a T to help you and one that you feel so comfortable with! You do deserve to be loved for who you are....all the whole and broken pieces! (like all of us on here!) Best wishes on your healing journey with your new T! Tina
  10. You are entitled to live your life as you see fit and be the type of person you want to be. If someone else doesn't like that....that's their problem!! T
  11. I am so sorry you are going through a very difficult time. You are not alone. We understand your pain. Sitting with you Tina
  12. You are right ladysig.....that comment has to be one of the stupidest remarks from someone who was aware of the fact that you were being abused!
  13. Don't feel bad SB. Crying is a way of trying to let out emotions that have been built up. I have cried numerous times when in the T's office. Yes, usually I come out with mascara dribbling down my face. lol That is why the T's have the obligatory box of tissues on hand. It happens all the time with clients and I am sure they are used to it. Take gentle care of yourself. Tina
  14. Hey RaraLouise, I am very sorry you had to go through such horrific abuse. Things like that should never happen to young girls, but they do. You are very brave to tell your story. You are so strong for surviving all that you went through. I am glad you have found Pandy's and wish you well in your healing! From one Australian to another.. Tina
  15. Hi Lindalou, Welcome to Pandy's! You have found a wonderful site which has some really amazing people on it who would be more than willing to listen! I am so sorry you were raped as a tiny girl! The mind boggles sometimes at such cruelty that family members inflict on innocent and defenseless children. I don't blame you for separating yourself from your family. You had to do what was necessary for you to survive. I have done the same thing. I understand your statement about your husband wanting a break from it all! I too feel guilty when I go through a down period and know I am affecting my partner. It is so hard sometimes! I know when I am teary and reacting badly to triggers, my partner is the one who cops the fallout! Aaaarghhh! Poor guy, but unfortunately it comes with the territory! I think sometimes we need to think too, that if they were the ones going through the trauma, wouldn't we be there for them? Hopefully! The other thing I try to remember (but frequently forget and then blame myself) is the fact that you and I did not cause any of this! CSA is a terrible trauma that affects you down to your core. We are just trying to deal with the abuse inflicted by others. Damn...it is hard though!! Yes, it is hard to open up to people and try to trust. (like the people you are seeing at AA) Of course, you are going to have trust issues. You were betrayed by your family at a very young age and that naturally instills a distrust towards people in general. Look at the example you were given!! If you cannot trust your family....it goes to reason that one finds it hard to trust strangers or new friends too! All I can suggest is to give it time with the people at AA and see how you feel further down the track. Maybe one day, you might feel a bit more comfortable in opening up a little bit. Yes, sleep can sometimes be elusive!! I used to be a good sleeper before I started to address this CSA. Like you, I toss and turn with thoughts that don't seem to want to turn off! But, sleep is so important for physical and emotional health! Hey, isn't sleep deprivation a certified form of torture! lol I occasionally use sleeping tablets if I have a bad run of days. It is great that you are in therapy trying to address the abuse! We all need help to get through this trauma and I hope it helps you in some ways. I know there is no easy answer to getting through all this, but we all keep trying! Kind thoughts for you LL Tina