no dates on when this was all written, most was over three years ago.
A wiggly pink thing with black hair appears in the world for all to see, a product of love, and marriage. The marriage fails, on goes life…a new love appears…a marriage follows…a new wiggly pink thing, this time with no hair enters the world…there are 4. soon change comes, 4 become 3…times harder, attention strained…the dark haired one now fair…growing, happy, smiley little girl…alive…learning…years pass, life goes as well as life does. Monsters visit the family…the little girl starts to box up her heart…a wooden job with crooked nails, bent by inexperienced pounding…the monster comes regularly, and then another monster appears in the world…both after the same little girl, both tearing and demanding, taking and hurting…
Everything comes to question:
your intent, your beliefs, your skills
that you thought you had.
All of this comes to scrutiny
when you are remaking yourself.
When you are tearing apart your foundations,
looking for flaws, faults, and crevices that weren’t properly filled…
seeking a way to strengthen, rebuild, and find better supports
for the monument you wish to build, the structure you shall dwell with,
exist with, and the ideals with which you shall raise your family,
seek your mate, and finalize your dreams for future generations.
Such a task this is, overwhelming it seems, endless, useless…
fear talks, stops you in your tracks…no answers, no voices,
only guesses as to where next…gathering information,
figuring out how to apply it, wanting for all of it to be
finished, complete, so many years, so much rubble,
where to start, how to use the waste, to rebuild,
to turn around its acidic nature. Time to turn the ground floor,
plant anew, seeking new roots, new layouts, new fields,
water distribution, for better growth, higher yield, healthier plants.
Trust not easily came by, openness more uncomfortable still…
patterns learned, roles set, script taken away. Answer from a new place,
seek from within, no more ridden by fear, ask why, question the thoughts,
drive them away with light. Even a flame flicker is better than no light at all.
The dream I awoke from seemed so real, so complete...an utter fantasy, an illusion to sooth my tormented mind...a world that i created myself, unknowingly...a world where there is no pain, no hurt, and everybody loves each other....then i woke, reality set it...and i have been careening ever since, looking for stability...trying to find flat land....wondering if it isn't a dream in itself...especially with all the other people i see reeling about, looking for answers of their own a port in which to dock their broken ship of life.....
I wonder if it is the writing that drives my head to so much pain, it has eased since I started to fill pages to type into this machine that I have come to know so well…not well enough but I am getting there…my weariness vanishes as each word forms from thought to typed word, from imagination to comprehensible gibberish, from my mouth to your ear…driven as a mad man, to record, to immortalize even in strangers minds what I must express to one and all my babbling that you listen to is my message to you …for you to see another’s perspective, to renew story telling in short form, to find a way in which I can safely say everything I have
always wanted to say.
DEVLING INTO THE PAST, SEEING WITH NEW EYES, REMEBERING REPRESSED FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND SEEING POCTURES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS....THE PAIN IS GOOD THEY SAY, HEALING AND WILL SEE YOU THROUGH....I HAVE BEENT OLD THAT I LIVED THROUGH IT ONCE, IT WON'T BE SO HARD THIS TIME....ALAS FOR ME IT IS, TOUGH, PAINFUL, AND CAN FEEL LIKE I AM BEING DRIVEN INSANE....LEANRING TO FEEL,LIVING THE EMOTIONS, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I CAN IMAGINE WHAT THE FIRST OCEAN DWELLING CREATURE FELT, DRAGGING THEIR BODIES, ON TO LAND, USEING FEET AND ARMS FOR THE FIRST TIME, TRYING TO BREATHE THE AIR THEY WERE NOT USE TO....COUGHIN UP WATER AS THE AIR FILLED THEIR NEWLY FORMED LUNGS....THAT PAIN OF THE TISSUE AS IT EXPANDS FOR THE FIRST TIME, TO CIRCULATE THE LIFE GIVING OXEGYN TO THE REST OF THE SYSTEM...IS THAT HOW THE MEMORY RETREIVAL WORKS...TAKES TIME, MOMENTUM? IT GETS EASIER THEY TELL ME...IT HURTS LESS...WELL THEY COULD LIVE THORUGH IT AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT...ME I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY CAVE UNDERWATER, BUTI CAN'T...THERE IS NO GOIN BACK ONCE YOU HAVE STARTED BREATHING AIR...FORWARD IS THE ONLY WAY...GROW THOSE MUSCLES...TRAIN THAT BRAIN....FOLLOW THE PATHS YOU KNOW TO FIND THE HIDDEN ONES YOU DON'T KNOW. I FEEL SO MUCH LIKE THAT FIRST pHISH THAT CRAWLED UP THAT EMBANKMENT SO LONG AGO...NOT KNOW WHO WAS THERE BEFORE ME, OR WHAT GOOD IT WOULD DO TO FIND THEM...THEY WILL ONLY LAUGH AT MY INABILITY TO DO WHAT THEY DO, AND RUN AS THEY DO..TIME...IT TAKES TO LEARN TO WALK, TO LEARN TO RUN, TO LEARN TO BREATHE....
My emotions, are flooding my mind...like ice cold run off from a spring thaw....some days it is not so hard, and others, finding a safe place to dwell as they go rushing by, not to be swept up and caught in the swirling mass of churning debris, that constitutes my life. frozen in mid stride, wondering which path leads to happiness, wondering where i want to head...trying to figure out where exactly i lost sight of all those dreams, and visions of me, grown, successful and happy....where did those beliefs that i could, that i would, that nothing could stop me no matter what obstacle was put up in front of me, i would succeed where all others have failed....i would be stronger, brighter, and bigger than all of them. i would far out shine any of those i have left behind...instead i feel like i am catching up...trying to find purchase, as the winds buffet me right to left, and back and forth...how do you know when you've gotten there? how do you tell your adventure is at an end? who will hold the umbrella for me as i climb that cliff of shear rock that has appeared before me.........
there is a little girl somewhere in the dark, behind a chair, hiding under her blankets, clutching a bear...hoping someone will save her..
Then reality sets in...no white knight, nor handsome prince...not even a prom king.
So who needs that...there is so much more to do, to get through...So many walls to destroy, so much debris to remove, so many shadows to dispel...
The spring cleaning of life, the removal of rotted wood...the re-roofing if a house, the restoration to light, love, and appreciation is work....the end result a masterpiece?
the maze in which I woke is lit by beeswax candles with wet wicks, the shadows flicker, they dance as I pass them in the corridors of my mind.
Footsteps echo and bounce back, doorways appear...frozen with indecision on which path to continue, seeing half glimpse of other ghosts ahead, behind, and around the bend. All me, all lost all looking for the exit or the middle to find whats needed...Even a solution, an end, a light brightened at the end of the tunnel would be nice...But this is an enclosed experiment one tester, one observer of all...One in the same, whose experiment is it?
Confused am I, adrift on a Beautiful, peaceful, slow moving River, warm, dappled in sunlight water lapping at the sides. Crickets, bees and all sorts of flying things serenda the journey. Heart flutters, palms seep.....mind freezes...races....and ponders, what is seen, heard, and felt...all along wondering where it comes from, why he sees it, appreciates it, or even like it.
You gaze upon us all, your arms a blanket around us. You are immense, terrifying, and not entirely known. You have inspired lovers, writers, and children to new heights. You have brightened and darken our paths throughout our lives. Your constant presence a comfort, a pain, and an escape from realities we wish to forget. Your birth a mystery, your destiny unknown, our little glimpse of it, barely affecting your path at all, if not for you we may never have been…and yet you remain surrounding us, touching us, yet never embracing us. The brilliance of you shines in the dark of night. The stars your thoughts, the moon your eye, as the sun passes we gaze in wonder, at your rise upon the horizon, seeing only a piece of the whole. What we have seen, we have studied and mapped … ventured into it hoping to find answers to questions that have plague us for generations. Wondering if we are alone, if we are an accident…wondering if there are ever going to be answers to whom, what, why and how…
Conceived in pleasure, birthed in blood, from womb to the grave we tread upon her…marking forever our passage by carving our way into her, deeper we penetrate, until we have reached the soft spots, the parts that we can not sustain on…sucked her vital juices have we, drawn on her last secrets, to expose all that we can find, for the furtherance of our species…in the dark of the night we remember how we were caressed, held, and protected by her folds…her warm breath across our faces…her milk filling our bellies…the ever watchful mother she was, always there, always safe, always giving…and how have we stripped her of her bounty, how have we repaid that which has given us life…by returning her love, by replenishing those things we could, by our temperate use of her gifts…no, not us, we know better, we shall always be able to improve, to make growth to find more that we seek to hide our discontent, to show that we take more than what we have been given… we shall ever hunger for that which we can not see right before us.
Phantoms rule my world, haunts of old control my reactions…I seek change, revelation, light that I sense everywhere in me…I am blind to me, I have no idea where the light switch is…groping around unfamiliar territory, no flint, lighter, or even a star to guide you through…validation, understanding, compassion, all elusive for that creature that was me, for that being that was crushed into a mold that didn’t fit. Pigeon holed by protectors, predators, righteous indignation, and beliefs that lacked the vision, insight, or skills for artistic expression, empathetic interactions, or child like joy. Seeking the source of the failure, I pass in the halls, scrawls of anger, gaping holes of pain, blood splattered areas with cries still echoing…still ever onward, deeper into the pit seeking the lava source, as the steam rises up into the halls, heat radiates, angers hisses, Teutonic shifts arrange the rubble, constantly changing obstacles, terrain seems alive, intent on impeding progress….
Sorry it is so long, but I didn't want to make too many new blog entries, I am hoping that I can write soem more...maybe on the weirdness of being a parent.