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About meghan716

  • Birthday 07/16/1994

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  1. First Day

    Today was my first day back at school. I finished unpacking everything with my dad and I walked him out to the car. I got outside of my building and who was standing right there, my perp. I broke down. My dad did not know what to do, and neither did I. I went for a walk with him which made me feel worse. Every where I looked I was nervous I was going to see him again. Now all of my roommates are out and about having a good time on a Saturday night like normal college kids while I'm in my bed. Everything is setting me off. I'm starting to feel like a freak- like I don't belong. I don't belong here. It's not safe. But at the end of the day all I can say is, I made it. I made it through my first day back. I made it through seeing him. I feel like I can't sleep because I'm worried about what could happen even though my doors are all locked. No one understands, and I don't blame them. This is way different than anything else these girls have ever been through. But I can tell they're already annoyed. I just want to go home. I just want to be safe.
  2. You are so strong! I wish I could have your confidence. I don't know what I'll do if I see my abuser again. This flower is to show how amazing you are!!
  3. I can't remember what it feels like not to be anxious anymore... Hope you can try to relax, even if its just for a moment today...
  4. Thank you for sitting to talk to me... I really needed someone today. I feel bad about talking about my situation to people. I don't want my mom to feel anymore of my pain, and I would prefer to keep my friends as friends, not practicing therapists. I know I need therapy, I'm just not quite ready to sit down and talk about everything and anything. I've gone to therapy before and it took me almost a year to feel the results. But thank you very much for the kind words and thoughts. It's whats keeping me going right now...
  5. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and your prayers! I'll keep you in mine as well!
  6. It's Too Much

    My sister yell and argues all the time. This is a trigger for my anxiety and it sometimes sends me on a flashback. I don't like not being in control, typical of a survivor I would say. She fights with my parents non stop. I wake up to her yelling most days of the week and it can really ruin my day. I don't get much sleep as it is despite the medicine. My brother and my dad are also triggers for me, but thats another story... I never thought my family would be my own worst nightmare. Usually I would say, "I can't wait to go back to school", but thats where it happened in April... And I don't know if I'm ready. My friends don't understand. I don't really expect them to, because this is their first time experiencing assault. However, they do nothing but tell me how selfish I'm being and how they won't "baby" me. That's not what I'm asking for so I don't know why they think that. They think they know what will help me heal, but how could they? I haven't gone into therapy yet and right now I'm regretting it. I thought I could heal myself and I have a hard time trusting people. They always tell me to move on. They don't realize this isn't something that I can just walk up from and forget about. It has changed me. I don't go out anymore. Anytime I see a man who resembles him in public I have a flashback of something about that night and I need to leave. I will never be the same again, but I hope I can get close to it. Sometimes, it's just too much.
  7. First Post

    I thought dating an older guy would be cool. He was four years older than me and I was worried I would loose him if I didn't do what he wanted. I was only fifteen at the time. I don't remember a lot of our two year "relationship". I only remember him hitting me or grabbing me if I wasn't in the mood. He didn't care, in fact I think he liked it more. He would tell me I wasn't that pretty and I wasn't that smart. If I got a 90 on a test, he would yell at me for not getting a 100. I was a confident girl until I met him. I didn't even notice what he was doing to me. He told me I should stop eating so much, so I did. I thought he was being nice and looking out for me. But that was the last thing he was doing. He cheated on me consistently throughout the entire duration of whatever we were. He never used a condom because he didn't want to. He changed me so much for the worse. It's only been five years but I still struggle with the depression from all the abuse he put me through. Physical, emotional, and sexual. I struggle with how I feel about myself. I always am worried about my weight because of how often he would control my eating. He has tried to come and find me and that scares me so much. I don't know what he would do to me, or how it would make me feel. I used to feel good that I could be the one to make him happy. Looking back at it, I never made him happy. He was making himself happy by taking everything away from me.