miire

Contributing Member
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About miire

  • Rank
    And I can see my progress, stretch out for miles!
  • Birthday 01/26/1982

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Connecticut
  1. The breaking of the Spell

    I have been living inside the world of Harry Potter for 8 days, starting last saturday, after watching the movie in the magic of the IMAX 3D, then re-reading book 6 and I went to the midnight release of book 7, which I started reading at 12:30 AM saturday night and I have finished an hour ago. Now the spell is broken. I am back into my word, I am not anymore in the world of magic, where my pain, the rape or even its concept don't exist. Now I am scared of going back into my own world. Even if living in that world was making me go out of line and unfocus, especially at work. Now I have to go back to the survivor's books, the survivor feeling, the memories and the fight. I am sincerely scared. I wish I had something else that could numb me the way Harry Potter has done in these blissful 8 days. But I'm happy for them, happy to know that I can go back in that world whenever I want and forget, if only for a few hours, what I am going through.
  2. Harry Potter 5

    I went to the movies to watch Harry Potter 5 in IMAX 3D. It was awesome, excellent, something that a few months ago, when I was scared of the dark, I never thought I could do again. I enjoyed the movie, relaxed and found my self in Harry when he was having flashbacks and nightmares. My favorite line comes from one of my favorite characters, Sirius :"You are a good person, Harry. It's just that bad things happened to you. But does not make you a bad person." I LOVED IT!!! I also realized another thing as I was leaving the theather. I cannot be the passionate, almost addictive person that I used to be. That Valentina is dead, and I must learn to accept it. I am learning. The new Valentina understands that passion does not have to be consuming and that you don't have to extend it forever, you can just live it in the moment, and savor it to the last drop. Then, you can be passionate about your self and there is nothing more important than that. I truly believe that this is part to becoming a woman, an adult, a whole person.
  3. I have a date :)

    I HAVE A DATE!!! Next saturday I have my first date with a guy I chatted for two hours with last night!! Oh, My God I am so excited I almost could not sleep last night!! This is my first date since the rape!! Oh, My, I am so excited and worried at the same time!!
  4. So, MySpace is making me know new people. I already have met a couple of great people!!And I am also being emailed by guys. This is my breakthrough in the man business, so to speak. I have not dated or gone out with anyone for the past two years and a half. I am not very outgoing and I also don't like to go out very much. Now I also have the problem with trusting men again. But I have a ticker skin and I am not going out with guys I don't like 100%. And I will always have in the back of my mind a voice saying "Watch out! It's dangerous!" But already chatting online is a big step for me, even though it's a small step for womankind !! The Sopranos: I am beginning to really love this tv show. But the reason is scaring for me: this tv show is about a mafia family from the south of Italy. The rapist was from the south of Italy and he told me he was involeved in the mafia!! So, now I watch the Sopranos and I see the rapist in Tony Soprano and I perfectly understand and remember why I wanted to stay with him: I thought I was special if I was with someone dangerous, but I was the only one he would love and protect. Wow, was I wrong. Now I know that staying with someone dangerous means that he is dangerous for you also. You are not safe from harm when you stay with someone dangerous. Now I deserve someone who will love me 100%, who is loving and caring and good and sweet and kind!
  5. :yahoo: I am so excited. Both my psychiatrist and I think that I am ready to be taken off the Zyprexa. I am still on Prozac and when I said that it was better to stay on it, he said "Oh yes, you are going to be on it for a while! - reading "A couple of years!". But it's okay. Comes winter time it may get difficult, especially with the anniversary and the Prozac will help!! But I am so happy for the work I have done to get here. Even my doctor - a 500$/hour psychiatrist, the best of the tri-state area, I wouldn't switch him even if I got paid for doing it! - said that I am feeling better because I am dealing with it and a because of the prozac: :yahoo:
  6. Harry Potter

    I am going to watch Harry Potter 4 to prepare myself for the great vision of Harry Potter 5 next week in IMAX 3D!!! I am so excited about it!! Finally I have something to look forward to. I have something I actually want to watch!! I already know that it is going to have a lot of different meanings for me, and I could not be more happy to accept it!! I CAN'T WAIT This is going to be my first experience in the darkness of a movie theater since I have started dealing with the rape. I thought that this moment would never come!! And now I am so excited, I am actually jumping around the house :yahoo: !!!
  7. The Accused

    If I had watched this movie only seven months ago, I would have not understood it. If I had watched this movie before January of 2005, I would have seen my worst nightmare happening on screen, but I oculd not relate to it. I would have thought that these things only happen in bars, with strangers and it takes a lot for this things to happen. I would have thought that only going to bars, only being promiscous I was at risk. Now I know better. Now I can relate to it. Now I understand. Now I am triggered. Now I know that rape can happen to a nice girl. In her own house, by someone who just does not listen to your only word and thought: "NO!" By someone you trusted
  8. Summer Time

    The rapes took place in January. Winter time is the most difficult period for me. Just the shorter days, the cold weather and the glassy blue sky remind me of the time when I was in Nice. Comes Thanksgiving and I am back in the period when I was with him. Then it is all downhill until my birthday on January 26. Summer time right now is like a free out-of-jail card. The days all beautiful and longer. This morning I spent three hours sitting in the sun on the beach and reading and listening to music. It was very relaxing and now I am completely over what has happened with those guys from MySpace. I also got a sunburn !!
  9. So, I have started chatting with guys met over myspace. I have met some beautiful persons there and I am making some friends, which is good. But guys-wise....I am really sucking I have met a guy named Luigi, like my ex-ex-boyfriend. And just like him, he seems semi-sleeping. You know, a male version of sleeping beauty!! But that's not him who is bothering me as much as this Karl. I gave him my phone number, he seemed an okay guy. Then he started calling me 8 times a day, leaving freaky messages and he even called twice at 1 o'clock in the morning . But the most upsetting thing is that now he is asking me money to pay for his trip back here from Nigeria. Who the hell does he think he found, a girl who was born yesterday? Well, I am so going to cut with him, I'd rather be alone. But why does it always have to be me??!?!? Yesterday I was so upset over this, I was very anxious like it has not happened to me in months!! I am trying to calm myself down a little bit and to carry on with the good feelings I was having before all of this!!
  10. Boys and dating

    I was raped in 2005. I have not dated or anything ever since. Before the boyfriend who raped me, my previous boyfriend goes back to 2003. I am pretty much of the dating stuff. But last weekend I have created a myspace profile and I am starting to have friends, both girls and guys. Today I chatted with a guy, his name is Luigi and he has italian origins like me. I noticed him because he has the same name as my ex-boyfriend, not the rapist the one before. First we chatted online then we talked on the phone. He seems really nice. I am also chatting with other people and I hope to start dating pretty soon. Yes, I admit that it scares me like hell to be with a guy I don't know. But I just think that I can take a calculated risk and be with a guy in public places, which is nothing less than dating . This time, I want to more cautious and I don't want to throw myself out of the window right away. I want to get comfortable with this slowly and calmly.
  11. Secretary

    I have just finished watching the movie "Secretary". It is a milestone for me. This is an independent movie from 2003 with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhal. It is about self-injury and love and I was afraid it was going to be triggering for me. I found a lot of myself in the main character, but I was not triggered, yay ! It is important for me to know that I can stand the pain and work on my feelings without having "bad" thoughts. I am also going to tell my psychiatrist to take me off some of the medications, the Zyprexa particularly. My parents don't know anything about how well I am feeling, they come back from Italy next week and I want to surprise them telling them that I have interrupted therapy and that I want to lower my medications. They are going to be so happy, I cannot wait
  12. The fat girls' guide to life

    Wendy Shanker's book "The Fat girls' guide to life" is absolutely fantastic!! I absolutely recommend it, it is awesome!! Yesterday I visited her website Wendy Shanker and I found this other website Love Your Body. This is a website about tollerance, respect and love for women of all sizes, shapes and origins.
  13. Books - Part 2

    "Recovering from Rape": this book talks most of all about stranger rape. It can be really triggering but also helpful, especially in the parts addressed to the survivors' significant others. I have not finished reading it. I don't have a lot to say about this book. I think it is an excellent book and I think it is very useful to understand the recovery process. "A quest for Respect": this is more a booklet than an actual book. It is less than 100 pages and you can read it in less than one day. It's structured in 5 parts of recovery. I have read it many times, but the first time I read only the parts that I thought I was already in. Just recently I have re'read it and I feel this book is really wonderful!!
  14. I have interrupted therapy

    Last night, at 7 PM I went to see my therapist and I told him that I wanted to interrupt therapy. I am feeling fine now and I want to stay fine for as long as I can. Of course, the fact that I am fine is not something that works on its own: I have to think about it. Any time I feel the pain in the arms (he held me down by the arms) I think "Okay, do I want to let this bother me or I just let it go?" And I decide to let it go and the pain either goes away or I stop noticing it. My therapist was really sweet, he said it was my call to interrupt the therapy and that the medication might be playing a big role in my current well being. I agree with him, I am sure that the prozac is helping a lot. But how is this possible that it all happened so suddenly?!? I can pinpont the moment when I started feeling better, the thought "I can be passionate about myself!" popped in my mind. As I said, this is not magic, I have to work on it!But I am fine with the way things are. I am not terminating therapy, I am interrupting. Comes the month of November I am sure that I will feel bad again. The rape happened in mid-january but I was with him in France from November 24 to January 24. So those two months are extremely triggering for me! But as I am thinking about it I think "Well, when it comes I can just say 'Okay, do you want to let this bother you?'" I hope I will still be strong enough to think like that!!
  15. Acceptance

    Just as I was blogging, the perfect name for my state of mind came to me: acceptance. I am accepting what I am, who I am, what I can do and how different I am because of the rape. I accept my body, my flaws, my qualities. I finally accept the reality: the Valentina I was before December 9 is gone forever. The new one that is here is different, another person. I remember that other Valentina that I was: she was passionate to the point of addiction, sometimes she was confident, she loved to study and she cared of everybody else's opinion. The new Valentina is not like that: she is calm and not passionate at all. She is not trusting and less naive, she is more cautious and, most of all, she is now Aware. Aware of the world and its risks, aware of what may be ahaed, aware of what she can offer and what she wants. I like the new me very much. And I am finally accepting the death of the old me.