I’m writing you this letter to acknowledge, embrace and release my feelings, and to express the love and forgiveness that you deserve.
I don’t like how you took all your anger you had towards your family out on me in horrible ways. I don’t like how you treated me, one day you would act like you cared and the next it was like I wasn’t even alive.
I resent the first time when you kept pressuring me to have sex with you. I really didn’t want to because I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to risk anything. I remember you gave my brother a video game to play knowing he would pay more attention to that then to what you were doing to me. You pulled the blankets over us and at first I thought you were just messing around until I heard my zipper go down. I tried pushing you away but you held me down and put a blanket in my mouth so I wouldn’t make a sound as you continued. I felt a horrible pain and all I could do was cry, I couldn’t fight you because you were much stronger than me and I was too scared. Once it was over I went to the bathroom and realized there was blood and I knew I wasn’t on my period. I felt like a part of me was missing something I’ll never get back.
I resent the second time after our freshman orientation we came home and you left me outside by myself crying. Nobody was home at my house and I forgot my keys so I had to sit there alone. I was crying so much because I wasn’t ready for high school yet I was scared and all I wanted was for someone to tell me I could do it and it will be ok. When I called you outside you were pissed at me so you brought me in your house where nobody was home. I went to the bathroom to clean up my face and you walked in and locked the door and also turned off the light. I was trying to get away but you wouldn’t let me go you started taking off my clothes and playing with my body I felt so disgusted and I just wanted to scream. Once everything was over I went home crying i couldn’t take the pain and damage you have done to me.
I resent the last time when I was watching Zoey for your step dad and you locked me in the bathroom once again and tried to do the same things again you got my shirt off and tried getting my pants off. I saw myself in the mirror and I could think was why the hell am I letting you do this to me? And then I saw a gun and all I could think then is where did that come from? Am I gonna die? Will this be the end of life? I was speechless and scared in so many reasons.
I feel angry because I was already in a bad place in my life and you knew that and you made it 10 times worse. I’m angry because I didn’t deserve this nobody does. I feel angry because I was treated like some kind of slave. I feel angry because you don’t understand and you never will. I’m angry because my whole life changed because of you. My dreams got ruined because of you.
I want change I want to be free and forget I ever met you. I want to feel like I’m beautiful in the inside. I want to feel like these scars on my body are just battle scars. I want to be able to make my boyfriend happy without him always having to wonder if I’m always gonna be depressed. I want to walk on sunshine and just be happy.
It hurts when I think back to the time you hit me because I didn’t watch a stupid video about aliens because I was scared of them. You beat my ass till my ass was red with your hand print and when I went to tell my mom she didn’t even hear me I felt so alone. It hurts to this day when my mom or my brother smacks me because I feel as if it’s you and I start thinking about cutting myself because that’s how I felt that day you started beating on me I kept thinking how could I kill myself just so I can get out of that relationship. In my mind death was my only way out as well as self-harm. The blood distracted me from my horrible life it felt good to me but it hurt like hell and I would never do it again because I’m better than that.
I feel disappointed that I got all my favorite things taken away because of you like cheerleading, drama, the dance team, and Spanish class. Those things are what I looked forward to when I went to school. I feel disappointed that I was failing school because of you cause I was just so scared of what I would go home to. I felt like I was stupid when really I wasn’t. I do have learning disabilities and I always blamed them when that wasn’t even the problem. The problem was you!!
I wish you could understand how I feel and what you did to me. I wish you would get some help from somebody because you really need it. I wish you learn from your mistakes and grow from them I really hope no other girl has to go through what I did with you again. I just wish you would disappear from my life completely and let me live in peace.
I feel worried that I won’t get better and my depression can get worst. I’m worried you’re gonna try to come back. I’m worried I won’t get the support I need. I’m worried that this won’t work. I’m worried my boyfriend could possibly give up on me and lose faith because it’s hard for him to deal with it at times.
I need resolution. I need this pain to fade. I need people in my life who will care. I need understanding and love. I need my family to be more involved in my life before they lose me. I need my boyfriend to keep loving me and supporting me like he always does.
I apologize for not saying something to someone and getting us both help because we both needed it. I apologize for doing what I have to do but if I don’t you can hurt someone else and not get the help you really need.
I feel embarrassed getting notes in my locker calling me a slut or a whore because you told people you had sex with me when nobody knew the real story. I felt embarrassed in the locker room because people just looked at me like I was some kind of animal with all my scars and bruises. I felt embarrassed when someone walked up and gave me a box of pregnancy test and condoms saying slut all over them. I felt embarrassed when you told people I was your girlfriend, to me it was an insult. I’d much rather get called a bitch every day or get punched in the face than get called your girlfriend.
I feel ashamed of cutting myself. I feel ashamed for trying to get hit by random cars. I feel ashamed that I even considering ending my life because I’m a warrior and nothing can hurt me anymore.
I am willing to forgive and forget about everything you have done because it’s not worth my time hating you anymore. What good will that do for me? I will forgive everyone who’s ever called me names or bullied me. I’m willing to forgive my parents for not paying attention to me and seeing my real problems. I’m willing to move on with my life and live happy like I was meant to be.
I love that somebody saved me and became my sword and shield to protect me while I became his warrior. I love how he stayed by my side through it all even when it was hard. I love how he showed me how to be positive and learn from my mistakes and taught me how to forgive the people who hurt me.
I appreciate what you did because I ran into the arms of the man of my dreams and two years ago I never thought I would be able to say I’m honestly happy with all the improvement I’ve made. Seeing my boyfriend’s smile is the best reward for it. My dreams wouldn’t have come true without all the crap you did to me.
I realize you did have a bad childhood and you just took your anger out on me. I’m sure you didn’t mean to and now I can honestly say it’s ok. We both need to have a new start and this is mine and I hope you find yours.
I forgive you.
Thank you for making me stronger.
I would like to move on and forget this ever happened I know it will be hard because the scars on my body remind me every day but as of today they are now battle wounds.
I trust that I will get better and I’ll be able to help others who are fighting for their power back.