rosiej~9

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About rosiej~9

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. It was my fault because I didn't make him stop. It was my fault because I never said no. It was my fault because it felt good for a minute. It was my fault because I had a boyfriend at the time. It was my fault because I never should have drank so much. It wasn't my fault, because I was asleep. It wasn't my fault, because when I woke up I was too intoxicated to understand what was happening. It wasn't my fault, because the pleasure I felt was from mistaking my perpetrator for my boyfriend. It wasn't my fault, because what happened to me was not consensual, and therefore was not cheating. It wasn't my fault, because no number of shots in a woman's body gives a man the right to assault her.
  2. I faced something very similar! My mother grew very resentful toward me after she found out about my step father's sexual abuse. She would say how she didn't feel pretty enough, or talk about how much more interested in me he was than her, instead of considering that he was a sick rapist who enjoyed abusing young girls. In her mind, I "stole her man." After he left, she told me, "he made me feel inadequate. What he did to me was much worse than what he did to you." How do people even think that way? I thought my mother was the only one. I'm so sorry you had to experience this too.
  3. I'm so sorry about some of the idiotic comments you have all had to endure! I've heard a lot of these myself. I think the one that got me the most though was said by my mother when I was 17, after I'd begun to experience triggers as panic attacks for the first time: "Well you need to get that shit under control. No one has time for that kind of turmoil right now." Needless to say, my mom and I lost touch after I left for college.
  4. White Ford Trucks Men with big bellies Ringing in my ears The buffeting of fans/steady ticking noises Someone tickling my feet Someone grabbing my wrist Someone pinching my butt Loud footsteps Men in bootcut jeans Someone continuing to do something - anything - after I have said "stop." Coors Light The phrase "I don't have a problem with it." A marijuana high Certain Depeche Mode songs Sexist comments, particularly in which a woman is sexualized Someone rubbing my shoulders from behind One Deadmau5 song Incredibly light touches on my legs (if my boyfriend is more intentional with his touches it causes no problems. It is only this feather-light, almost fearful touch.) Many of these things I have worked on, and now only cause a bit of alarm before I can regain composure. About half of these things still cause panic attacks, or uncontrollable anger where I'll fight, yell, and thrash in an attempt to hit someone. I'm not sure where some of these triggers came from - and the ones I'm unsure about are largely the ones that cause the most problems for me still.
  5. I agree completely. In a perfect world, survivors would reach out and accept the support that loved ones are trying to give them. Sadly though, this doesn't always happen. I am blessed to have one person that I trust with this issue - but at my worst, there was no consolation. The idea of consolation, for a sexual assault survivor, seems absurd to me. After a rape or other sexual violence, you have to accept this part of you that has been ripped up and contorted beyond recognition. And YOU have to accept that - no amount of talking will reverse it. And sadly, most people simply don't want to hear about such dark experiences - especially those who love you dearly. I wish it was possible to be "cheered up" after sexual assault. But it's been almost two years for me, and I still have to leave a room to have panic attacks in solitude when someone mentions rape, when people make sexist remarks, or if a man looks at me vulgarly. A survivor's struggle is not something non-survivors are programmed to understand. This makes it difficult - and often pointless - to reach out.
  6. *T*, maybe First one when I was nine, and a family friend babysat me for the weekend. After three days of "tickle parties" and "cuddle sessions" where he'd stick his hand down my pants and up my shirt I felt completely filthy and at the time I didn't know why. So after my mom and her husband (dad's dead) got home, it took a while to say what happened. And while my mom was up in arms about it, my step dad said "are you sure you're not lying? Justin would never do something like that, he's been my best friend for years. Are you sure you aren't lying?" When I was sixteen my step dad molested me also, so that betrayal makes more sense now. The second one is going on right now. My step dad is no longer living in my house because I told my mom and she kicked him out, but after that she never spoke about it again. Then she started talking about how nasty I am, how I'm a whore, how ungrateful and manipulative and unpleasant I am. But I still was in pain, so I tried to talk to her about the triggers I was having. she responded with "well you need to figure all that out. None of us have time for that sort of turmoil, you need to sort it out." Okay, mindf**k. The first one was easy to handle, mainly because it was explained later. But this one? The woman who's been in my corner my whole life is now scorning me, making me feel like I don't deserve to feel the pain that I do (that's the most mind-f**king part, I don't believe I deserve to be here anymore), and on top of it all, inviting him over every few days to mow the lawn, fix the sink, go over bill payments and generally just hang out. And I can't help but stew in my own hopelessness, there's no way to get over it when you live under her roof and your abuser comes over every weekend to visit. Gah. ~ash
  7. Oh, almost forgot! Got some funny/maybe not quite as funny ones: -Drinking for emergencies (get smashed and you can forget about anything, if only for a few hours) -Dressing up, mainly in stuff I don't usually wear like dresses and lots of make up, and going in public without any friends or family with me. It makes me feel like I'm someone else, or at least a different me who never got molested. Of the list I consider the last one the healthiest...at least it doesn't involve harm to my organs, wrists or laundry piles haha
  8. This is all so familiar! I don't eat either, sometimes I'll go a day or two before remembering that organisms need food. Problem is I don't put the weight I lose back on very easily, and I just lost another four XD Others are self harm (recent, very helpful, gotta kick the habit I know), isolation (in response to this "no one cares, don't talk about it" sort of mentality) and avoidance - I actually didn't realize the second one was the case until a few days ago, even though I've been doing it for months now; my mom came into my room (I'm 17) and saw two giant piles of laundry on either side of my room along with general clutter everywhere, and all my school books, my backpack, my school uniform and my purse still in my bed (I wasn't intending to remove them before sleeping) and she stood there for a second and said "this can't be normal...you used to be a neat freak." I didn't notice I was doing anything different until she made that comment, then I looked around and saw how trashed the place was. So weird. I guess we all do some things subconsciously, from not eating to avoidance /: ~ash