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About LostBabyGirl

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  1. What More?

    I hold so much in and I never seem to let it all out. I feel strongly that all pedophiles should be tortured and shot execution style. I just feel so much anger and bitterness inside. I've seen and been through so much before I've even made it to the age of ten. I realized that I grew up too fast, Faster than desired and I can never get those days back except through my future children, that's if and only if God blesses me with them. So many children are hurt each year right under the noses of their parents if not by their parents and it's almost always kept silent or is never investigated because it's not that important when a guy feels the need to try to fuck a little girl just because he can. It's not right by any means. We're expected to forgive and simply move on, but that same abuse is the one that's forever marked on us like a crappy tattoo done in someone's garage without any discretion. I don't exactly mean to sound like I'm taking blame for what they did to me but I feel in my heart as if I could've done more to make my family realize what was going on. It makes me feel disgusted to know that I lost my virginity to my cousin and it bothers me to remember that they both were screwing me when my aunts, grandparents etc were right next door or always out. Nobody ever payed attention to how rough they were with me. No one asked me if someone was hurting me and when I came out with it all I was called a liar, simply because they're family and they're too well behaved to touch me. Am I so ugly that I cannot be touched? Were they too perfect to do something so horrendous? Was my family to ashamed to believe me? I understand the shame but that never gave them the right to deny it ever happening. Once my grandma told me in the store that i was a liar, it totally crushed me and I wanted nothing more to do with it. I was ok with denying it ever happening. It didn't matter to me anymore and it made my world crash and burn when my grandma of all people didn't believe me let alone have a chance to plead my case.
  2. Change

    I've definitely been changing over the last few months. I used to always be angry on the inside and appear to be the most ecstatic person on the outside. Now, I'm much calmer and people don't always see me acting like a fire cracker so they assume that something's wrong. There never truly is an issue, I'm just a lot calmer than what I used to be. I like for my thoughts to be together and organized rather than not have any care in the world and be wild like I used to be. I was so angry inside because I've always felt some type of strange jealousy in my heart. My friends always complain about how annoying their parents are etc but I wasn't truly given that...I've had my grandparents there and I love them with all of my heart and soul but it's a completely different feeling and love that is felt. No matter what you'll always have that empty feeling inside. I used to always look at this as a punishment but now I'm seeing it as something different. I don't know what it is but I don;t think I did anything. I can't force my mom to love me. I have this strange thing about me where I somehow get people to like or even love me. I never ask for it, it just happens. I do crave and depend on other people's love, but I never force them into it. I rarely ever tell anyone things about my childhood and they just love me to pieces. The one who I did chose to tell, I sometimes feel like she only loves me because she knows that I don't receive it at home in the "correct" ways. But I also feel that maybe she truly does love me for who I am and I need to let her. Whenever I feel myself become too close to people I push them away. I never want to give them chance to hurt me or worse, me hurt them. Idk, maybe I should just rest, between my nightmares and taking care of my grandma etc, I never get any sleep anymore
  3. My Mom

    My heart truly wants the best for her. I want her to do something with her life, to leave the drugs alone, to get clean and find a stable job even if it's not because of me. I don't care if it's for herself, I just want to see her truly happy. When I'm with Tuba abla I feel almost invincible. She has this strange way about her that removes all of the pain and anger from one's heart. I must admit, sometimes I am jealous of her daughter Sule. Her parents give her the most beautiful love. Even her father engages with her as often as he can. He shows her an unconditional love the way it should be. His personality shows me that he's been through a lot, that's why he rarely expresses his anger. He's a good man. Last month after the accident, he felt so much pain and sorrow in his heart and I felt so bad. I was in an unspeakable amount of pain and I tried my best to conceal it, but the pain he had affected me. it seemed to only make the pain in my body worse.He and his wife are like parents to me, I knew they never had any intent to hurt me. The day I fell from the car,I got off the ground and I couldn't see, everything was black but something told me to get up and walk. As I walked my vision came back, I was angry with them for all of two seconds it seemed like. When I sat in the car, my body was in a lot of pain and my back still hurts to this very day but my heart knew they didn't mean to cause me any harm. I never blamed them. Which is why I kept telling them to pay no medical bills. Seeing them feel so sorry was more than enough for me and I didn't even want that. Accidents are things that happen without intent. I've always known in my heart that they would never try to harm me, that's why I quickly began to trust them. They're good people and I pray God blesses their family with many beautiful things. Tuba abla cannot always understand why I push her away so that she can spend time with Sule, I just don't want Sule to grow up feeling as if we took her time away from her with her parents.
  4. Just How Things Are

    Sometimes I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I'm more than grateful for what I have, but I know that something is missing. Growing up I used to convince myself that I was a loser simply because I didn't have two loving parents like most kids my age had. I didn't even have one. I never felt empty until I was taught that my grandparents weren't my parents. When I became old enough to understand, my whole world was nearly crushed. Don't get me wrong, I loved having my grandparents there for me, but it's not the same thing. It's harder to confide in your grandma because of the much larger difference in age and it's harder to spend time with grandpa because of the same reason. They were older, they spent their lives working wonderful jobs, raising there many children and when another child came along after most of their kids were adults or were independent, it made things a lot different. It was like another chance for them to do it all over again but it made it even harder on them. I understand my father not being around, it wasn't his fault he knew nothing of me. He barely knew I existed until he saw my mom years later. As for my mom, she had no excuse. She was young and I completely get that, but that wasn't a reason for her to leave others to raise me. She never truly cared about me. Had she cared, she would've mentioned the pregnancy or at least stuck around to watch me blossom. Instead she teased me, she showed me her love and affection long enough to make everyone happy so that they would get off her back but she would disappear soon after. I couldn't even be with her for 2 full days without her leaving unless she was sick. Those were the days I cherished most. I used to snuggle up next to her and she could never understand why I craved her love so much. Truthfully I can't see why either. As children we want to see nothing but goodness in our parents. No matter what they do to us, we love them unconditionally. The love and bond between a mother and her child is stronger than any other love. It's so strong and can still be felt from miles and miles away. I love my mom more than anything but I can't see myself allowing her to push and pull me around. One day she will love me and show me how much she truly does, and another day she will treat me like the enemy as if I'm some girl off the streets. I've never been important to her when I should've been, even now. it's all about V, they're inseparable and I can't see why. When she first moved out into Greece with him, she didn't want me out there. She just wanted it to be all about her and him. After many months she finally allowed me, but only because his daughter, Nyia, was forced to move in with them. I felt like a million bucks, I was happy to know that she wanted me out there, even if it were to just spend time with her. But I never knew it would be the way it was. I thought she would pay me much more attention but I wasn't worthy of her time. I couldn't even ride down the road with her to the store unless he were around and the rare times that he didn't go she demanded to be alone. Every morning they had sex and didn't care to be discreet about it. They spent the day together doing nothing except drinking and getting high. They spent the evenings together eating dinner, smoking, drinking, cuddling, showering together etc. But where was my place in her day? No where, because I never had a place. I wasn't meant to be there. I was the third wheel. I'm her only child and I'm the invisible one. I couldn't buy her attention for five minutes unless I acted out.Her yelling at me, made me happy only because she acknowledged me. I became a person in her world. it took me 15 minutes to realize that she doesn't truly care about me. Each year I would tell myself soon she will get herself together