Marlishizzle

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    104
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About Marlishizzle

  • Rank
    [Lizzie]
  • Birthday 10/07/1989

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://voicebefree.tumblr.com/

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Central, P.A.
  • Interests
    Cooking, Acting, Dancing, Singing, Modeling, Painting, Art [in general], Reading, Working out at the Gym, Kick Boxing, Guitar, Being with my wonderful fiance. :)
  1. Help Help Help

    So, I'm in school. I don't really know what has been wrong, but I've been so.... angry. Like, any little thing will set me off. I can't say that it's PMS. This is... pure evil. evil, and I mean it. I did something really horrible today. Theres this kid in my Geometry class. And three years ago, his older sister, Amy, died in a car accident. He was pissing me off, and ... well, I blew up at him, and to make sure I got to him, I brought up Amy. Then I called this girl Jessica, who was braging about sopposed millions and crap... that she was Trailor Trash and would never add up to anything in life. I hid my words from the other people that we making me mad. And to make matters worse... I don't think I did well in auditions. I'm trying out again tonight... But, i don't know how well I'll do with the state that I'm currently in. What I did was so immiture. And, I feel horrible. You know what... High school is so worthless... I mean, it's not POINTLESS... for the learning part. But... it's worthless, because there is so much drama in it... Drama everywhere. I hate it so much. People pass you by in the hall, and smile at your face. But when your back is turned... they stab you. And I can't say that I'm better than any of those people, because I do it too. And I hate myself for it. ... Then theres Martha. I hate her. She hates me. It's an endless circle of hate. But she just gets into all of my business. And she doesn't know when to stop. So one of these days... I dunno. I think, I just blow up... uhhhg. Yeah. I need to cheer up. xo-Mar [Lizzle]
  2. THEY FIRED ME!

    So ya know how early this morning, I said... I hate work. Oh trust me... I do. BUT MY OTHER JOB FIRED ME TODAY! I got ready... Totally ready... (Having to wake up at like 11 after going to bed at 6) And I walk in and Lee is like: "You dont work today." I'm like.. "Uhhh... yeah I do.... I'll check the sced." So I did. And sure enough.. I didn't work. I was crossed off. And next to my name, I saw the word "DONE" Great. Juuuusssttt great. [sigh] Life is really sucking at the moment.
  3. work work work... and no play.

    So I worked last night. One table. 4-10 But I got 17 bucks in tips. Then I work today. 3-10 THEN I WORK TOMORROW! 11AM TO 10PM! I want to scream. I hate work. lol But I'll post later tonight. xo- Marlo
  4. The goods and bads of my day.

    Well... Now that I'm not sick any more. (I'll get to that later) I went back to school. I found out I was elected for student counsel... witch is cool. And I found out that this years fall play is called "The Mousetrap"... so i have to do a bit of research on that before I audition. Then at 12.40 I went for driving. That was fun cause the teacher was really nice. Oh! Exactly one month until I turn 17!! yeee... But then I started my new (second) job today at the Italian Cuisine. I only had three tables, but I made just as much in tips as I do over at the diner. So I guess I'll be putting in my 2 weeks there on Sat. ... But on the way there... My fater and I got into a fight. I hate fighting with him. It's hard enough I don't see him any more. [My parents got divorced when I was seven. The moment that they told me, I thought every moment of my life before that was a lie. My mum and pop always told me we would be "one big happy family." Then one Saturday morning, I wake up, go down stairs, and my mum is sitting at the kitchen table crying, while my pop is just staring out the window overlooking the river. The moment my mum told me the news... that they WERE getting a divorce... I felt my heart break. And I thought I would never see me father again. So I ran to the library... and just looked at this picture of my father and I together on the docks...] So... ever sence then, we have talked less and less, and scene less and less of eachother. And it's hard. Because, I love my father so much. I don't know what I would do if something were to happen to him. I would die, myself. So that was a tad bit of heartbreak there. But I talked to him later tonight. Trying to make scence... So maybe things are a bit better. As for me being sick. K followed me home the other night after work. Nate took me home, and now that K is living in Harrisburg... he's like 20 times closer to me. Well... Nate picks me up, and about 2 miles later... this Escalade is behind us... following us the whole way home. But when Nate pulls into my driveway, the Escalade goes past. 10 min after Nate leaves. K shows up. And bargges into my house. (Dude... I could totally get him for BnE.) So we start fighting. He's calling me all kinds of names. And when I wont let him finish a sentence. He gets angry. He kept telling me to shut up. But I wouldn't So what does he do? Slaps me. Jerk. around 2 am, he called me. I didn't answer. Then he sent me a text... one after the other. And I got sick. REALLY sick. my mum called me off school. I told her: I had... "Food Poisoning." Yeah. G.A.Y I need sleep. xo -Marlo
  5. [A sigh of reliefe.]

    Things... feel different. Like, I feel like a 10 Ton weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm feel... slightly embarassed... but then again... I feel... I feel like I can trust those who might happen to read that. For they know how I feel. I want to cry... but then again, I want to... Laugh. I want to smile... and rejoyce... Things feel different. Thank you. And I hope that my entery has not hurt anyone. -Marlo
  6. Ok. I WILL complete this. It's just taking time. [Please do not continue reading if you have PTSD... I'm rating this M... thankyou.] So I slammed the door in his face. But I wasn't going to let the words I just heard ruin my night. I whiped the tears from my eyes and didn't repeat anything to anyone. The party was great. I danced like a crazy 'ho. haha. Got carried around like a queen, and got so many gifts it was unimaginable! I didn't really talk to K much that night. But my feet were sore, and my head hurt. So I told Carlos was going to go upstairs for about 20 min, and just lay down. I walked upstairs, passing drunken couples on the stairwell... I reached the sanctuary of my room, and flopped down on my bed. I had almost forgotten about K's comment from earlier that morning. When I heard a knock at the door. "THIS BEDROOM IS TAKEN!" I yelled... thinking it was another couple wanting to get a room. I heard a laugh, and thats when K opened the door. "Oh..." I said... looking away. "Sorry... I thought you were someone elce." He chuckled, shutting the door behind him. [pitty for me... i didn't bother to noticed how stelthly he locked the door] "Listen... Marlo..." He began, walking over to me. "I'm sorry." He finished, reaching my bed side. I propped myself up on my elbows. "K... it's..." He cut me off... and finished his statement. "I'm sorry that I didn't do this sooner." And that was the begining of what felt like the end. It was the end of my happy childhood... The end of my own innocence. Without giving massive detail... K pushed me down on the bed, stradling my lower torso. I didn't understand what was going on... but something told me to fight back... My hands were behind him... and those hands turned into fists. I pounded them against his back... but they were like kitten paws to his strength. I heard him chuckle again. and he leaned up, hands still pinned against my shoulders. I saw him smile. That same smile that once made me melt inside... Would now be the center of my nightmares. I stared back at him blankly... But then something snapped. A voice in my head told me to get away... with any means nessisary. I pushed the plams of my hands into his chest... trying to get him off of me... "K..." I said... starting to choke on new tears... "What are you doing?" "Shhhhhh...." He said to me, and he brought his lips to me ear... "This will be a good hurt." His weight was on me... i couldn't move... hardly breathe. With one hand he covered my mouth, muffling sobs and screams. And with the other... He prepared his stage... With one tug my bottoms were gone, and with another... his too. My heart felt like a hammer against my chest... I wasn't ready... I was a good girl... I wasn't ready. That is what went threw my mind. The things he did... Things... I didn't even know people did... ever. I was burning. My whole body... burning... My throat sore from screaming... my insides... numb. I couldn't move. He ignored all my pleads, and "no's"... And as K was at his mid-point... I gave up. With one last attempt I reached my hands up twords the celing fan, hoping that I would wake up from this dream. But there was no used. I let my arms fall... they smacked him hard in the back, but it didn't phase him what so ever. I was limp. I was.... dead. K alloud his hand to slip off my face... they were now on either side of my head. I just held my blank stare... remebering that morning... how I had left the safty of my mothers... I had left a vergin. And here... Here I was... deflowered... My mind then switched... K... Who had he become? Why had he done this to me? Was it my fault? The way I was dressed? Acting? Dancing maybe? A wince of pain brought me back to reality... K was near his climax. And... As I remember... that was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. When he reached his end. He laied there, on top of me. His full weight on me. His sweaty body touching me... made me sick. He was taking deep slow breaths... and thats when it hit me. I was no longer that little girl any more. I was robbed... robbed of my youth, of my... innocence. And thats when I began to cry. I could hardly breathe... but my sobs increased. I heard K grunt, and push himself up. He stared at me... But I was too scared to look at him. But I continued to cry. "Oh shut the fuck up bitch." -I'll never forget those words. And thats when he slapped me. Straight across the face. My crying stopped instantly. It was now just pure shock. I looked at him... searching for some sign that he was sorry. But I found nothing. He left me, standing up and zipping up his pants. I suddenly became fully aware of myself... I felt... hiddious. He walked over to the bathroom, and I heard him turn on the water in the shower tub. I couldn't move... I just laied there. Shocked. K returned... picking me up, and carrying me to the bath room. My mind was blurring, but was instantly cleared the moment I hit the cold water in the bath tub. my bottoms were gone, but my top was still on. "Give it to me." He said. I looked up at him... confused. "The top. GIVE IT TO ME." He yelled. I did what I was told... and I felt so horrible... so discusting within my own skin. "Now wash up." He ordered. I did. And when he saw fit. He pulled me out of the tub, and walked ahead of me, back into the bedroom. I stayed there, in the bathroom... not knowing what to do. I was shivering. "Come out here" I heard him yell. I did. I was trying to cover myself up as much as I could. I saw him standing there... with my clothes. He walked over to me, rasing his hand to my face. I winced. I thought he was going to hit me. But instead he placed it behind my head, leanced down and kissed me hard. When he released... He pushed me backwards, and I landed on the bed. There... beside me... was my own blood. I looked back at him... and saw him smiling. "Good girl." He said. He then turned, and walked out the door... slamming it behind him. "good girl." The two words stuck in my head. "good girl." .... Was I? Beacause for some reason... That didn't seem true. I looked over at the clock. It was 12.45... It was officially... my birthday. "Happy Birthday Marlo." I said to myself. And then i cried... I never left my room again that night. I slept on the floor. Not wanting to be in the same spot where I was hours earlier. That was my big change... My "new begining"
  7. I've just got to say it...

    I keep debating... Weather or not to say it. I'm always afraid that someone might actually do the blame... other than K. <_< Where was I... Oh. The Parties. The party that I can remember the most, is the one that Carlos threw for me for my birthday. It was a surprize, and he had even talked to my mum about it. The deal was... he could take me up the 6th. and bring me home the morning of the 7th. [my brithday.] My mom called me off school for a vay-kay-tion as she does every year for my birthday. So Carlos picked me up that morning with a dozen lilys, and told me to get in his Elade. I laughed, and looked at my mom. She smiled and nodded at me to go. So we're driving, and listening to country music, and making fun of it. Carlo's gets a call, and I hear him mutter something, and then hangs up. I did'nt pay any attention to it. See... I thought this was just so I could see Kiko on my birthday. But the moment we got to the crest of the hill on Carlos' drive way... I knew something was up. There were a dozen of cars parked along the grass. I looked at Carlos and all he did was smile. "Go inside Marlo." He said. I reached the door, and with a shaky hand, turned the knob. "SURPRIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It was a blast of sound that almost knocked me off my feet. Carlo's wrapped his arms around me, and kissed my cheek. "Happy birthday kid." He said. K- was rite up front... He hugged me, and kissed me, and also said the words "Happy Birthday." I thought I was the happiest girl in the world at that very moment. It was only the morning, but the people that had already arrived were some of my closest friends that I had met at the former parties in Philly. By 9, the ammount of cars had trippled, and there was a roaring party going on. But sticking to that morning... [Takes a breather] I settled down and got done reciving hugs from everyone. I went upstairs and put my stuff in my own room. [yes... i now had my own room in Philly] As I was sorting everything out, and trying to find something to wear... K appeared in my doorway. "I think you should wear this." He told me. I turned to find him holding a black mini skirt and a halter top with jems. I smiled, and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks babe." I held it up to me and examined myself in the mirror. It was... awesome. K walked over to my bed, and sat down, patting a seat next to him. I laied the outfit on the chair next to the door, and walked over to sit. When I sat, he reached up to my face, and brushed the hair from me eyes. I smiled.. But could also feel my cheeks begin to burn. I was never completly comfortable being this close to a guy. I was a straight edge vergin. I had done NOTHING. Now... I mean, I did kiss Jason Perelli when I was like... 8. But this was different. K leaned in close to me, our lips almost touching. He closed his eyes, and... that was my breaking point. I pulled away, making up some lame excuse that I thought I heard Carlos calling me. When I went to get up, K grabbed my hand, and asked me to sit back down. I did... "I wanted to talk to you about something..." He told me. "Ok... haha... what is it?" I repied. He took a breath. "Maybe tonight... we can..." He paused. I knew what he wanted... or atleaste... I thought I did. So I gave it to him. The kiss I mean. I leaned in, almost tackling him down, kissing him hard on the mouth... and even went to as far as to putting my tounge in his mouth. That was a surprize... even for me. I got back up... and I was sure that my cheeks were red. K looked at me with a puzzled look. But I only smiled. Thinking that I had just satified him. [boy was i wrong] "Marlo..." He started. "It's ok!" I interupted. "I think I was ready." I smiled again, trying to think of something to stop my cheeks from burning. "No Marlo..." He put a finger to my lips... "I thought maybe tonight... we could... have sex." Suddenly... my head was spinning. My heart felt like a hole.. and I toes and fingertips felt numb. SEX?! I hadn't even thought about sex! I must of had this blank stare on my face... cause all of a sudden, K was like... "uhh... babe?" I got up... and for some reason... I could feel fresh, hot tears forming in my eyes. I didn't know what it was from... hurt... or embarassment. But I left. Slamming the door behind me.
  8. So I guess it's safe...

    After "investigating" other blogs here... I saw that it's ok to talk about what happened. And to be totally honest, that is one of the main reasons why I came here. See... I never talked about it to any one before. I've never gotten my story out. Ever. So yes... that means... I didn't nark on the guy. I have my own reasons why. Mostly out of fright, some because I felt it was my fult, some because... I didn't think anyone would believe me. I still... to this day... regret not turning K in... And i've learned that I now just feel guilt... I'm scared that he could do it to someone elce if he snaps his cap. [You'll learn... I have some odd lingo...] I have yet to accept the... "R-word" as I call it. I can't bare to say it... so instead... you'll see me say the word "Hurt" alot. I was hurt at 12.45am, October 7th, 2003. Yes. That was my 14th birthday. My boyfriend of three months lived in Philly... about an hour and a half drive from where I live. I'll call him K. The only way I would get to go to Philly and STAY the night is if I would tell my mum that I was sleeping over at my best friends, Kiko's house. To get this all straightened out. I met a guy when I was in the 5th grade.... His name was Carlos. He lived without his parents, but with his adopted Jap. sister Kiko [real name Kiroko] in Philly. The only way Carlos and I ever got close was from me being around his sister all the time. My mum met Carlos, and Kiko both. She liked them... and permited Carlos to take me to Philly to stay there for the night or two. Of corse... I lied to my mum.. telling her that Carlo's and Kiko both lived with their parents. From the moment that I met Carlos... we didn't talk again for a nother year and a half. But the first time I went to his house in Philly... I was... amazed. The house was beautiful. Stone, with a huge dark cherry door. But the inside was even better. When I got inside the house, I put my stuff upstairs in Kiko's room, but when I turned around. There was this guy in the door way. His name was Raphael. He lived there too. I later learned that Raph's brothers Tre, and Turquelle, both lived there... along with Raphael's son, Rajhal. On top of that... someone elce was moving in. -K. The moment that I met K, we really hit it off. He was sweet, and very down to earth. He had beautiful blue/green eyes, and dirty blond hair. His smile wanted to make you melt. The odd thing was about the house. Everyone was tall... and I'm not talking about 6'1... I'm saying around 6'6. It was the oddest thing ever. -But I got used to it after a while. K and I started to hang out more and more each time I was in Philly. And it didn't take long for us to begin dating. ---Now you know how when your a kid... if you date someone older... you automaticly think your in "love". ...well poor Marlo... She didn't know the meaning of INFATUATION. And I went head over heals for this guy. K was 5 years older than I was. But then again... I had always looked more mature than my real age. I was 13, he was 18. Now the more and more that I was in Philly... the more and more Carlos became protective of me. I was his "darling" as we would jokingly say. Carlos was MUCH older... but his sister was my age, and that is how we became so close. Carlos is 7 years older... yeah. Please don't hate me. At any party that Carlos ever had... he would keep me by his side at all time. Watch me when I danced. Made sure that no guy would lay a hand on me. And the moment that every regular that came to those parties knew about the relationship with Carlos and I... they made sure not to slip up. It was annoying at times. But with the atmosphere I was in.. It was a good idea. ....
  9. Prelude

    A new begining with a new blog. I guess I'll introduce myself. My name is Marlo Elizabeth [hence the lizzie part]. I'm sixteen years old. I live along the east coast in a variety of place, but as of now.. I'm in PA. I havn't come here to mope, and be a stick-in-the-mud. I've come here to ... hmm. How to put this. I guess, it's just a feeling that I'm searching for. That feeling to know that I'm not the only one. haha. If theres any other way to put that. I have many many blogs. Most of witch I have discarded, and forgotten the password to. A Blog that I had set up [but did not display my name] is www.xanga.com/luckiexseven On a lighter note: My birthday is comming up here in about a month. Kind of exciting. My mum said she'll be looking into getting me a car. yee... Thats me. One of my more recent photos from last months beach trip. [i'm the girl ontop, the one below me is Rochelle.] More about today: I'm sick. Like... sick. I woke up last night around 2am, and couldn't sleep. By 2.45... my head was in the toilet. Nasty. I'm feeling better now however. Any way- I'm going to continue to search the sight. I don't know when I will post here ... but I'll try to make it often. -Marlo