Amanda Marie

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About Amanda Marie

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. One week 'til my ani...

    And this year I will be celebrating in style with my friends. I spent a lot of time overwhelmed by how far I have left to go. But for now, I will let myself rest in this: I cannot believe how far I've come. Thank you, Lord, for leading me through the darkness.
  2. "Have fun with Courage"

    Right now I am blessed to live with an amazing woman I'll call Kohl. She is a motherly sort; 51 with two kids who are not much younger than me. She loves sports of all kinds, and is the kind of person you know you would want cheering for you on your worst day. She is also adorable; curly red hair and wrinkles in all the right spots. Her kids have beautiful freckles spun like the milky way all across their faces. This morning I was getting my phone from my car as she was getting in hers. She knows that I took a big step last night and extended an invitation to a boy that I am shyly interested in getting to know. "Have courage," she said. And then: "Have fun with Courage (she had started calling the new guy "courage" last night. I didn't understand why, but it struck me in just the right way, nonetheless.) "And be great." Two weeks ago, we were watching the Olympics together (for the umpteenth night in a row.) A sound bite of Lindsey Vonn came on, saying that in those precious moments before a race she just has to breathe, clear her head, focus, and "go out there to be great." Hearing that, Kohl responded. "See Amanda, that's what we need to do tomorrow. Go and be great." "Why, what's tomorrow?" I asked. "It's Tuesday," she said. "If I waited for the Olympics for greatness, I'd never do anything." --------- I think that tonight, when I am nervous and scared out of my mind to go and possibly see or even (gasp/shock/horror) talk to my new possible friend as a normal human being, I'll just imagine Kohl on my sidelines, smiling and proudly cheering. And I'll remember to be okay.
  3. In the past month I've gotten to reconnect with two awesome old friends, and the conversations are reminding me to lighten up, and just be me in this season of life. Like one of them said today, I miss eating toast late at night on kitchen floors, and laughing about nothing with people I know intimately and trust unreservedly. Living at work was a strange and draining thing. I'm glad now to be back living with good people, who I'm not responsible for. And who act and communicate like adults. It's awesome. Everyone in the house does chores, even. And works together and cares about/respects each other. Its AMAZING. In this season I get to live with an artist who is a culinary adventurer. And also a high school rock star, and also a kind and dedicated mom. So life, at the moment, in spite of being overloaded with massive transition and absolute uncertainty, is pretty alright ---- It's good when nostalgia and embracing the present can coexist in balance. "Be grateful for every moment of your life." (I don't know who to attribute that to. It's written in the cement outside of the bookstore.) Amen, and goodnight, and all of that. ----
  4. March is anniversary month

    I've been brave lately. I danced with a boy, and talked to him even. He loves Jesus, and plays music, so I figure that can't be all too bad. I've been grieving over Tom (still, unfortunately), but I am learning to recognize and take opportunities when they come my way. I've been praying for awhile for a second chance with Tom. Tonight I was driving, and thinking, and being indecisive about the possibility of dancing. I missed my exit in the indecision, and then realized I wanted to go home but was now headed quickly away with no turn-around. A quarter mile later, I found another exit that takes you back towards my house. Right away I thought; this is a second chance and I'd better take it while it's here. So I did. And in making that turnoff, I had the thought "maybe my new friend is my second chance of Tom." Maybe. The Lord knows, and that's all I can really say at the moment. I may see him tomorrow, and I may not. The thought of it sort of makes me want to hyperventilate, so I should probably figure out what to do about that. I am half regretting, at this moment, the fact that I found him on facebook and invited him to tomorrow's practica. But I know I would have regretted it if I didn't. What I learned from losing Tom is that the world doesn't wait. It keeps on spinning whether I am willing to jump in and play or not. And if I'm not, I'll just miss out. So we'll see what comes of it. At the very least, I'm proud of myself for getting out there, and meeting someone new, and being pleasant to him instead of trying to push him away by being bristly and bitchy. (For the record, i don't think that I am actually rude to people that I feel threatened by/attracted to. I just know that whenever I am attracted to someone, I tend to RUN or push them away in all the subtle ways I can find. And I'm beginning to realize that this technique is not helping me find someone to share my life with.) So...yeah. I'm nervous, trying not to think about it, and tentatively hopeful. Not an entirely bad place to be. We'll see. ----- My anniversary is coming up. I don't know the exact day. I think I used to celebrate it around the 19th or 20th. I'm in sort of a funky spot this year, because I'm super uprooted and I'm not in a place where many people know my story. A lot of people vaguely know, which is nice because that means I'm not trying to hide anything. But the people that really know are mostly gone now. (California...new community...dating another girl *cough BASTARD cough*.) I think I want to treat myself to a nice dinner. That sounds like a good way to celebrate this year. I've celebrated before I think by taking a walk and just honoring my own process, or having time to create/journal/reflect. But this year, I think I need some sass, some jewelry, and a nice dress. A few good friends and some fancy food. That sounds like a plan to me. Mmm hm, yes mamn. *Sigh.* It's really sort of hitting me this year (my anniversary.) It's weighing on me, you know? But I have to make the decision to face it, and cry through it, and not let it get me down. I know that the Lord will support me in that. Someone recently told me that He will fight our battles for us. We have to be willing to go and do our part, but any little step that we make towards seeking Him or doing the right thing, he will take and multiply. I like that, and I'm going to go with it and chose to trust God. I can't do this on my own, but I trust him to lead me, guide me, care for me and recreate me. He is the great Love, the great Author and the great Healer. He can do all things and I trust him with my life. Lord, help me to incorporate grief into my life in a healthy and balanced way. When I think about all that I lost four years ago, I feel devastated. I know that it's good, in a way, to be able to acknowledge and grieve my loss. But I don't want to get stuck there. Please help me find the balance in grief. Amen.
  5. I was reading To Own a Dragon by Don Miller, and he talks about "Wounded Healers;" (What we need as a broken world is) "not arrogant victims, not people looking for vengence. Instead, (we need) people with the authority of awful experiences, experiences that educate them toward empathy, and yet still have within themselves hearts willing to forgive. This can be accomplished only through a deeply buttressed spiritual life. These people will be wounded healers. " check it out.
  6. Thank you for posting this Holly. I found this really validating and empowering. I especially like that you said he needed "specific consent, not specific denial." I also like that you said you were coping and surviving. You were doing all you could to get through. This gives me a lot of courage. Maybe I will post too. Thanks! Amanda
  7. On Motion

    Healing takes such a long time that sometimes I forget that I am getting anywhere at all. Sure, I am going in circles still, but I am slowly spiraling upward. This blog is to remind myself of that. I need something tangible to mark the time and the progress. It is for me, but others are welcome to look in on the journey. Traveling mercies, my friends.