DarkSouls

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About DarkSouls

  • Birthday 05/10/1980

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  • Gender identity
    Transgender
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. The forum is back and I just want to check in with those who've been so kind to me. I hope you're able to feel okay soon.

    1. DarkSouls

      DarkSouls

      thank you.  been back a little.  having a hard time.

  2. what i need to deal with

    Alright. I thought of this in a post I was writing- to just do a list, not "go into it", but a list- of all the crap that's been coming up within the last year I need to deal with once I'm back in therapy. Just to be able to- look at it. -My father being ill/possibly (probably) dying. And the question of weither I want to see him or not before he dies, and if so how to go about that. -The stuff with A. and- the betrayel, abandonment, hurt etc. Realizing she was- doing things that hurt me, that they were using her, etc. All the things I know are there I haven't yet remembered. Dealing with my ongoing urges to contact her. -The whole thing with M. I don't even know- what or where to start with that. It hurts so much... -All the- programming and processing and MC and other stuff that got stirred up last year. Who and what I was at far deeper levels- then I think I should've been getting into then, being pulled up by others. -This most recent stuff that's come up about Dn. -Family relationships with my Aunt and my sister N. -a whole hell of a lot of bits and pieces of memories. -the whole thing with Carrie last fall- that hit on some deeply wounded things in me. -Just having been- away from my life and stuck in basically a conservative hell with no one for a year, and it's- affect on me.
  3. I have a really hard time with this, so I'm going to- do what I can to try and work on this every day to every other day. I think esp. as I'm not getting the kind of therapy or group therapy (esp. with other survivors) that I really need, maybe this will help. I don't know if I've ever done this before, aside from a timeline I did ummm, in 2004. That's no longer at all up to date. -My father abused my sexually, physically, and psychologically, and literally tortured me in those ways (and others). He was a sexual sadist and "got off" on seeing me or other in pain. He was also very violent to those around him, particularly women, children and animals. He also has PTSD (untreated) from being in a concentration camp as a child, and is 'diagnosed' (I use this lightly because I'm not sure it's correct) with paranoid schizophrenia though he is untreated. This went on from infancy to age seventeen. -My mother was an alcoholic and addict from long before I was born (she was in her twenties, my father around fourty, when she had me). She never took care of me at all- others did. She molested me before she left when I was two, and after I started having contact with her again at 7, periodically. She was verbally and emotionally abusive and very manipulative to those around her, and I saw her be very violent towards others when she was drinking etc. She also- purposefully left me with my father when I was two, taking *her* own older children with me, when she feared for her life from him. She never tried to get custody or go to court or report anything. -My older sister N. sexually abused me when I was around four-six off and on when she visited for the summers. I have mixed feelings about this as I know she too had been and continued to be abused. -There was on sexual incident w/my brother M. but- I don't know that it was abusive, given the context. I think the environment we were in- he didn't know any better. (I was four he was twelve). -John, the neighbor, molested me by putting his hands up my pants/clothes repeatedly, and I think there's more to that but I don't remember. -Jerry, another neighbor, molested me and raped me when I was about five or six- I think it happened more then once. I think his children (older then me, a brother and sister in their early to mid-teens) might have done stuff too. I know they gave me pot and had me smoke it and thought it was funny. -I was consistently bullied at school. From kindergarden on. There was something we wrote about one time about abuse by a teacher but- I can't remember it. I don't want to. (When I say I was bullied I mean I was physically beaten up, had my things destroyed, constantly called names at, had pennies and gum thrown at my hair on my long bus rides- and no one did anything.) -There was also ritual abuse (involving violence towards myself and others, blood/gore, disgusting things, perversions of Christian rituals and mockeries of that, Luciferian stuff, being forced to perpetrate against others etc., witnessing dead bodies and er, how they got to be that way, torture of myself and others). That was from my father (he didn't lead it- he was just involved) and went from infancy through my early twenties- I think. Not sure when it stopped exactly. (There's also more complicated stuff that goes with that- that gets into mind control and programming, deliberate torture inducing deliberate dissociation and creation of parts, human 'experimentation' both in medical settings and others, being forced to perpetrate in those settings, being forced to and programmed to return, having others safety threatened to insure my return- that's still stuff I'm very actively finding out about and working on). -The leader of the cult/ritual stuff, Peter, took me on as his 'protege'. He was- 'kind' to me and I bonded to him a lot. I think I bonded to him because my father was so violent and unpredictable and I had to have some safe people. I want to write more about that 'relationship' (God- see, I haven't worked through this- I still tend to see an adult man, who was a relegious authority akin to a priest- and sometimes pretended to? be a Catholic priest- or maybe he was?- "had sex" with a six year old and to me that's a "relationship"). There's a lot of mixed stuff there because he was kind and took care of me, too. -The leader of the cult/ritual abuse stuff, Peter, took me as his 'protege'. He was- 'kind' to me and I bonded to him a lot. I think I bonded to him because my father was so violent and unpredictable and I had to have some safe people. I want to write more about that 'relationship' (God- see, I haven't worked through this- I still tend to see an adult man, who was a relegious authority akin to a priest- and sometimes pretended to? be a Catholic priest- or maybe he was?- "had sex" with a six year old and to me that's a "relationship"). There's a lot of mixed stuff there because he was kind and took care of me, too. Alright I'm scared to do this. But I'm afraid if I don't just- do it I'll delete it or never finish it, which is what I've done before. So here goes. -There was also Dr.S who was part of the medical torture/experimentation stuff. He did really really screwed up things to me sexually and was very sadistic like doing thigns so I couldn't move or so I couldn't breathe and yeah. That was really bad. I'm pretty sure we nearly died a couple time (at least) with that. -There was stuff where we were in paramilitary combat in South America (through some of the mind control and other contacts) as a teen and young adult- really really bad things happened there and I saw bad things- I relate a lot to veterans I've talked to but feel I can't talk about it because it wasn't "officially" miliatry. Also feel bitter that I don't have the benefits other veterans do, because what happened to me was "unofficial". I'm always afraid no one will believe me about that but they usually do. In brief I usually say I was in "non-military combat" and have mentioend the S. America aspect. -There was also child prostitution and pornography in my childhood. From Peter and other people. There are a whole group of parts who were from that. I don't talk about it very much at all. I also- saw other kids they were either- keeping or- worse were the ones who were in transit, that they were transporting. -I was raped by an acquaintence (it was- well, almost date-rape only I 'didn't know it was a date' and I was sixteen and he was in college) at sixteen. That was a lot of what started the other stuff coming up in the next few months. -I was in a verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive relationship from Oct. 1999- Sept. 2001. It- wasn't evident until I moved in with him, having moved several hundred miles from where I'd been living and all my friends. He was also part of the group who abused me, and he forced me/took me to Dr.S and other worse people to "reprogram me". He was also really violent and stuff aside from that. (I'm female-to-male transgender, and was still pre-transition then- I was pregnant at least once, maybe more then once- and he purposefully beat me until I badly miscarried). -I don't know when the accessing/abduction/coercion of the non-cult stuff stopped. I know that when I moved at age twenty the cult stuff got a lot less bad. The other stuff- well, that was I moved in with my aforementioned fiance. -I know I've lost periods of time when they took me (or they accessessed parts who were unable to not go with them, depending). There was a whole week in Dec. 2003 right before Christmas- I still don't remember all of what happened. I have a bad anniversary reaction to that. -In 2007, Oct. 2, I was abducted by the non-cult/cult-related people (the mind control and experimentation ones), physically and sexually assaulted, tortured, and- the next morning I woke up and *remembered*. At least enough I knew something happened. There was- physical evidence, like bruises, ummm, foreign bodily fluids etc. I had a really, really bad PTSD reaction to this- my life kind of fell apart after that. That is the last time *that I know of*. (There are abusers and more of the- more unusual stuff, that aren't in here. And there's things I can't write about here, that my father did to other children, that I was forced to do and witness, etc.)
  4. That sounds really difficult- do you think maybe that parts being around *because* your having a hard time? That would make sense to me.
  5. things revisted

    this is the list of stuff i wrote last time in here. so i'm going to try and do little check-in things on it to just- get things started. so maybe i'm talking about somethings. -The whole thing w/Carrie. ALL the crap that brought up. well, to be honest i haven't done much processing on how that brought up all this HUGE crap about- the things we were forced to do/did, all that other stuff. i still feel very hurt about it and feel like- everyone else is getting over it and i'm not. and i'm uset that Dn. is talking to her still/again and- it's like she acts things are ok between the two of them, and even though she's dropping the charges on me- i am not ok. -Therapy. Not getting to see Lynette, not having a therapist here, w/all this crap. well, i'm actually making some progress in trying to find a therapist. have some people i can call, though i'm going to (wisely, i think) wait until after the holiday insanity to call them. -lack of almost any resources here well, again, i'm making some baby steps in terms of finding things. i'm just- having a hard time getting things done, in part due to my depression and stuff around the holidays. -Feeling like there' too much going on the household- trying to be there for Dn. and M., M. going away and my feeling shattered by that. -All the issues about- the parts who are around. What they had to do. How I feel so alone in all of it. -Depression? Anxiety? why I can't seem to do anything -Self-harm and suicidal issues and feeling numb -Holidays -possibly spending holidays at my aunts -comparing this to being homeless last year -Stuff w/A. And feeling- like that's a nuclear bomb waiting to explode that's enough for now
  6. I'm DID, so for me when I say "parts" its a bit more but- the teens in our system are very elusive, and I've come to find they hold and immense amount of pain in a different way then the children do. I know for myself I was very very depressed as a teenager, and that- i felt more responsible for things that happened then, because i felt like- i should be more able to stop them.
  7. things to talk about (if I can)

    Things to talk about- if I can. I'm writing it here so it's safe but someone might see it, so maybe I'll actually do it. -The whole thing w/Carrie. ALL the crap that brought up. -Therapy. Not getting to see Lynette, not having a therapist here, w/all this crap. -lack of almost any resources here -Feeling like there' too much going on the household- trying to be there for Dn. and M., M. going away and my feeling shattered by that. -All the issues about- the parts who are around. What they had to do. How I feel so alone in all of it. -Depression? Anxiety? why I can't seem to do anything -Self-harm and suicidal issues and feeling numb -Holidays -possibly spending holidays at my aunts -comparing this to being homeless last year -Stuff w/A. And feeling- like that's a nuclear bomb waiting to explode that's enough for now.
  8. not here

    i feel like i'm falling. like i'm in slow motion. like i'm not even real. i don't know what to say where. i wish they weren't downstairs, but i don't nkow what i'd say to them if they weren't. i want to disappear only i don't. i don't even know what to say.
  9. I agree with that, but... It's a bit different right now. I'm staying in a temporary residential place (for mentally ill people- it's a crisis place, up to thirty days) and waiting to be placed in a longer term residential. And I literally don't have anywhere else to go- I'm homeless. So it's- a bit more then the usual...
  10. lost

    It's so hard for me to feel articulate, these days. I'm sure not being able to get online doesn't help. I'm supposed to be leaving for an appointment and really, really don't want to. I want to scream. Or cry. Or something. I feel at home here, but it's not my home. I don't have one.
  11. scared

    I'm here at the day program for the last time. scared. don't want to leave. have to leave. scared. going to go hide in room at the ADU. just scared.
  12. scared

    scared. so scared. terrified. trying to be okay though, trying really really hard.
  13. breathing

    I can breathe. I can breathe. I don't really have as much to do as I think I do. I'll be okay. I really, really will.
  14. broken

    I feel mute and broken. and shut down. silenced. unable to speak. hurting. nowhere is safe. i am not safe- i cannot speak so i don't exist.
  15. writing, damnit!

    Even if it's brief, or my roommate interrupts me *again* (it's so much harder to be/get on the computer since she's back) I'm going to write here today, damnit! For some reason my leg is all itchy- have to go find if I have something for that... Anyways... It's been a long week. A really, really long week. I feel sad. I want to hide. Only, I have nowhere to hide. I'm over at Emily's. That's not really a place to hide though- it is one of few consistent places I can be at in general. Even if I hadn't been over here in months, it's still- what it was. Messy, but I'm allowed to exist here. Being on the computer, playing Morrowind as if I haven't been away since September (well, I came by once recently). I just- I feel lost. At least here I think I can feel lost w/someone else. Why do I feel more at home in my friend's homes then mine? Because I don't have a home. Because I'm staying with someone who is making it more and more clear I am there temporarily, on her vague and indeterminate graces. Who is kind one minute and hurtful the next. Who is a friend but I can't really rely on or trust. notes for myself: -i don't want to write about this but i should. there's a part of me that really wishes i was/could be in the hospital. wants to be away from things. wants to be taken care of, even in not the best circumstances/way. because i don't get that. maybe i don't deserve that, or maybe it's not right for me to want that now, i just turned twenty-eight... but i'm afraid if i don't go in and get some kind of help i'm going to do the kind of SI I keep thinking about. sometimes i feel pretty sure i will. sometimes i want to curl up and disappear. Only it's really *not* that I want to disappear as to be- safe, and away from things, and in some small fashion taken care of. i feel stupid and horrible writing this.