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About DTC40

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    Chatter of the month April 2012
  • Birthday 12/11/1970

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  • Location
    Florida, USA
  • Interests
    Reading, spending time with my kiddo's. Sitting on the beach watching the stars.
  1. Thank you so much Liz. DTC
  2. feeling down and tearful

    Guess I just need to post. For a week now I have felt like sitting down and crying. I have tried to figure out why I feel this way, but just can not put my finger on it. I have started drinking to handle it. I know this is not a good coping mechanism which is making me feel worse about spending money on alcohol. I guess if I just stopped trying to hold back the tears and cry I might feel better. We went out this afternoon to go to the beach and I had to have my son drive me home I was having a panic attack. I have not done that in years. Feel like I am crumbling.
  3. COUPLE OF SENTENCES MIGHT TRIGGER I do have good news to report concerning this neighbor. After going to management, when he came into the office to get coffee in the morning the owner was there and had been informed of the situation and had a talk with this neighbor. He was told that he is to have no contact with me or my family except to say Hello in passing should he wish, and if there were any more complaints such as this he would be handcuffed and escorted from the property have to find another place to live. Management told me to come inform them immediately should he harass me or my children in anyway. He has not even looked my way in passing. I can not help but see him since his apartment is next to mine, so as long as he does not bother me or my kids I am okay. What is ironic is the owner has now hired my son to be a security guard here at the apartments. This is a gated community with around the clock armed security guards. However, you never know in a new place how management reacts to complaints or if they take them seriously. I was amazed and very happy that they responded so quickly and took me seriously. At the last place we lived a tenant physically attacked me in the laundry room, I screamed and he backed up before anything serious could happen. Even though what did happen was enough to send me into flash backs from hell. My son called the police and I was told that since he did not actually rape me that there was nothing they could do. Management did nothing and even told me that I was wrong to call the police. So it was very refreshing to have someone fix an issue before it go to the point that it did in the last apartments I lived in. I do not like the fact that some men think because you are not married or have a boyfriend then you are open season for them to date if you say No, they think that means they have the right to keep harassing you.
  4. That is excellent advice blondie. Also thank you all for your support and advice. Lua, I will talk to my son and see how he is feeling about the living situation. I have mentioned a couple of times that he might want an apartment of his own when he feels ready instead of living with me and three teenage sisters. However, I do not want to push him out the door just because of his age. Sue: I agree with no just pushing a kid out because they are of legal age at 18. I was on my own at 16 so I understand trying to make it out in life without support. With the economy the way it is, I am not sure how a college student is suppose to make it anymore without going into debt big time. I do not want any of my kids to go through that if they do not have to. As far as the creep next door. I did go to the office today and spoke with management and they said they would take care of it, they did not want tenants to ever confront each other if it can be helped that is why they have security and if I had anymore issues with him to let them know immediately. I hope that he does not retaliate in anyway. I can not take the stress of that, the things he says are very triggering for me. Thank you all again for reading, commenting and your support and concern.
  5. My crazy ass neighbor came over and just sat down while I was outside smoking a cig and sipping coffee. This idiot leaned over and said to me if he was my son who is 21 years old that he would still be breast feeding. Then the idiot insinuated that since my son was 21 years old and living at home that myself and my son must be having an thing going on. Then said my son should be out of my house and married with three children right now. I was so angry and shocked I just sat there and stared at the idiot. First why the hell is it wrong not to throw your kids out on the street at 18 and yell get married and have kids. Why the hell do people go straight to the thought that if you have a son over 18 still living at home that it is the mother making them stay or the relationship is innapropriate at any level. My son is grown he can move out anytime he wants, I do not keep him here. I came inside and mentioned what this idiot said and my son did nothing about it. I am not sure if I am right in expecting him to get up and say something to the idiot. Now I am angry at my son for not standing up and putting this man in his place. My emotions are so confused. I do not want my son staying at home because he feels that he should be there for me and his sisters, yet I do not feel as a parent I should kick him out of my home. He is a quiet young man who works comes home, takes part time college courses. That is what his life consist of. Do I make him go out and get under the burden of rent and bills just because he turns a certain age? How can anyone jump to the place in there head that since my son is grown and still living at home that we would having a "relationship" other than mother and son. I have never done anything anywhere at home or in public that could ever be seen as a relationship other than mother and son. I wonder if someone would say anything about my son still living at home if I were still married. Is it because I am a single mother? I did not tell their father to leave he is the one who walked out. So since my ex husband left 20 years into the marriage am I to drop the values that we always believed in with our kids, which was to allow them to live at home as long as they were working or going to college if they were single. If he was married it would be different, or if he was just a kid laying around, getting into trouble and just being a bum. Even in that circumstance is it anyone's business who lives in my home and how long. This has turned into rambling. I am just so upset, I know what real abuse is and what it is like to live with a parent who sexually abused me. I can assure you that at 21 with a job if I was abusing my son he would get the hell out. I left the state I was born in the moment I turned 18 to get away from the abuse. Generally kids who are being abused who have the resources to leave do so. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
  6. daughter SI,might trigger

    I have a 15 year old daughter who has Asperger syndrome and has started to become depressed and has started to SI. She came to me crying saying she had not told me earlier because she did not want me to be disappointed in her. I assured her that I would never be disappointed in her. I spoke to her about SA, in fear that something might have happened. She has assured me over and over that nothing happened. Just that she was fearful with her Aspergers she might not be able to accomplish the things she wants to in life. I want her to go to a counselor but she refuses and says if I take her she will not talk to them. She gave me her knifes and razor blades last night telling me to hide them and that she is having thought of suicide. I have been talking to her and she says she feels better now that she has told me what is going on. I do not want to put my head in the sand and hope this goes away. I feel like I am stuck. The only thing she will agree to do is take 5 HTP which is a natural anti depressant. I am not sure what to do, I think admitting her to the hospital would make things worse because of her Aspergers. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. DTC
  7. What is my purpose

    I hear those talk about our purpose in life whether religious or not. I have had this on my mind a lot lately. What is my purpose? Is my purpose to live each day in this depression, pain and deep pit. If having a purpose means doing for others how can I help others when I do not know how to help myself. Do I drag myself out of my depression on Sunday Mornings and go to church in so much emotional pain that I can not even focus on what is going on. I know the statistics of one in three women/girls are sexually violated. I have three daughters, they are not little kids anymore they are teenagers growing up almost to adulthood. Once out in the world I can not be there continually to protect them. Is my purpose to go from this pain to one day seeing the pain of my children. The world is hard out there even without enduring abuse. I am sorry this seems so negative. I have fought depression for years and no medication seems to help. There are those I know who get up happy each day and I do not begrudge that. I can only speak from where I am at. What is my purpose, what does God expect from me. Not sure how all this works but have I already served my purpose by going through the pain and hurt of abuse and rape so that someone else did not have to. If that is so then is my purpose for life over or do I have to live out this hell for years to come? One day when my life here on earth is done what will be said about me. I was someone who never left the house because of multiple personality disorder and no one ever really knew me because I hid from the world due to depression. Will I be judged because I could not pull myself up by the boot straps and just get over it. Will I be remembered as a coward because I hid from the criticism of those who do not understand multiple personality disorder. How can I have a purpose and help anyone else in this life when I can not help myself.
  8. Susanna: Thank you so much for your perspective. I did receive a phone call from her this morning. She asked if myself and my kids could meet her at a park with her grand kids and she said the kids could play and we could talk. Instead of meeting at the park we have gotten together with the kids at before where there were park benches and shops to get coffee and sit and still see the kids, she choose a park we had never been at before. It was nice right on the water. The benches were right beside the playground and she sat and spoke to my son about college, which is a great thing. She also talked with all the kids. I sat down on the bench next to her but the kids were too close to speak of anything. She never made a move to say do you want to take a walk around the park and talk or anything intending to have a conversation with me. The only thing she said to me was to complain that I smoked. She said that it was no fair that my son had to work to pay for food, cigarettes and food for our two small dogs. We brought these dogs with us because we have had them for years. It cost so little to take care of them. She lives in a world where money is not an issue. She does not live on just a little over 24,000 a year for five people. Which I think is great I wish no ill will toward her for that. I think it is just hard for her to understand. She does not want me to get my license because she said I might alter and end up back in Kentucky somewhere. I moved to Florida to get away from an abusive 20 year marriage. My son who will be 21 in two months told her not to worry about that he thought that any of my alters going to Kentucky was doubtful. She has had contact several times with one of my alters and she mentioned this to my son and then stated I do not know anything about this woman. Maybe it is me and I need some understanding on the situation. I am depressed enough about being what I see as a burden on my children. Half the time I feel my life is worth nothing. I was hoping for what I know I can not receive from her a positive statement, like I am proud of you. I do believe that she really did not want to talk to me, she is scared of my alters. I wish she would just say that instead of pretending like she wanted to talk to me and then put me in a situation where there was no way to talk and making remarks that make me feel worse then I already feel. She was a smoker for years and I guess that is okay because she has money. If you are struggling I guess you do not have the right to smoke or have pets. My son's beagle is 15 years old and I was not going to leave his dog behind he has had since it was six weeks old. My oldest daughters dog is 9 years old and has seizures, that is the only two dogs we have. The seizure meds cost 4.00 a month and six month check up cost 25.00. Maybe my kids would be better off without the cost of having me here. My son would receive my child support and alimony should something happen to me. I have bone cancer and the judge made it so the kids would be taken care of if I pass away before my youngest daughter is 18. My ex gave up his part of custody for our daughters to our son. I have walked this path before. I guess I understand who would want anything to do with someone who has a mental illness. DTC40
  9. ty Irish I appreciate that. GoldLion: I am so sorry you had to go through that, here for you also if you need me.
  10. I have lived in Florida now for five months. I have had casual conversations through email with my friend that lives here. I know that she is uncomfortable with my Multiple Personality Disorder so I have tried to be respectful to her space and time. She asked me to keep her dog that had a broken leg while she was on vacation. I told her no problem and kept the dog for 8 days. This was no big deal, I love dogs and spent five years running a dog rescue and training program for injured and abused dogs. I sent her an email last week asking her if we could get together for coffee one morning to talk. She answered sure that would be great, she stated she had her grand sons until Aug 8th when they would be leaving for a wedding (I will be taking care of her dog again while she is gone to the wedding). I emailed her back letting her know that I understood that she was busy, and that I would appreciate it if she was able to make the time. She emailed back that would be fine that she was sure that her husband could handle the boys for an hour. That was one week ago. I have heard nothing not even an email. If she is too uncomfortable or too busy I would surely understand. The silence is killing me. For years even when I lived out of state we have always kept in contact through emails. The last email she sent me was she would email me and let me know if she had the time. I have heard nothing from her. I do not feel it is appropriate for me to email her as I do not want to put pressure on her. I have a mental illness and keep to myself however it would be nice if I knew someone cared. If nothing else be respectful enough to say I do not have the time or just be honest and say I do not want to be alone with you because you have Multiple Personality Disorder. At least be honest do not ignore me like I am not worth an explanation. Mental illness is not contagious. I know that most churches/not all, however the church she belongs to believes that Multiple Personality Disorder is really demonic possession. I have done research and learned this. I am not sure if she personally believes this. I wonder if she has not really had personal contact with me without out my kids there (my kids are 20 son and three teenage daughters) because she is scared of me. Maybe she does not know what to do and does not want to hurt me by telling me the truth. I just wish she would be honest and then I would know where I stand. Another person who wants nothing to do with someone with mental illness. It would hurt me but at least I would know where I stand. Confused, hurt and no idea what to do. DTC40
  11. attacked (may trigger)

    I was attacked 10 days ago in the laundry room of the apartments I live in. A man in the apartments that came by from time to time to have my daughter work on his computer and a couple of times he asked me out. I told him no I was not interested in dating due to the fact I just got out of a 20 year abusive marriage and I was just not ready to date. He followed me into the laundry room. I did not think I had anything to fear. He pushed me up against the washer he held me there, my back was to him so not matter how hard I tried I could not push him off. He started groping my privates and breast. I kept telling him to stop. He would not even after I told him I would scream. I was so frozen I was terrified. I finally started screaming he let go of me but stood there in the laundry room while I put the clothes in the dryer. I do not know why I kept doing the laundry, I was so in shock. I went back to the apartment and told my son because this man was suppose to be coming to our apartment later in the day to have my daughter install a computer program for him. My son is 20 and told me either I call the police or he was going to go take care of the matter. I called the police despite knowing what was going to happen, it was his word against mine. The police of course did nothing. Some of the people in the apartments were upset because he could have been arrested they said it was not that bad that he had not raped me he just groped me. Are we still so far back in time that it is okay for someone to grope someone and it is okay. I left for the night and stayed in a hotel across town. He then called the police the next day and said I left a note on his apartment door saying I wanted to date him if he would be nice to my daughters. I pulled out the receipt from the hotel and receipt for the pizza I ordered. They went to the hotel and talked to Domino's to see that I took delivery of the pizza and did not leave my hotel room. After all I have been through I did not think this would bother me so bad. I am having a hard time sleeping and having started drinking again just to cope. Someone said to me you will get through this. When will a time come in my life where I am just getting through things and I can take a breath.
  12. Orchid: Thank you so much for your reply. I want to definitely look up Shaman and see what might be available here and at what cost. The place I go here in Fl where I moved has a center but they basically provide medications, no counseling. They give me three medications, one for bi polar, one for depression and one for anxiety. They could careless about handling the issues of DID or abuse. I am glad you posted because I am definitely open to new ideas and ways to help. Thank you again, DTC
  13. Alters ruining my life

    I have a friend that one of my alters has emailed several times and the emails were not nice. My friend called and spoke with my son several weeks ago, she called me tonight and told me that she thought she might have upset him some because she could tell he was upset and told her it was not big deal that he had dealt with my alters all his life. I am wondering now what she said to him. He never told me and I never asked. She asked me could I get my records of when I attempted to integrate my alters, she said she had a friend who was a psychiatrist who might be willing to see me for free. I told her that attempting to integrate my alters was not really an option because the year I attempted to integrate was hell for myself and my kids and there were two suicide attempts by one of my alters. I do not want to go through that again. Even my son said he could hardly stand to see me go through that. I have the feeling she is only wanting my records to prove whether I really have DID or not. I can understand that it is something that is hard to deal with. My life has been devastated by this disorder. If she has found a psychiatrist that might see me for free then why can she not ask him to see me for an appointment and me give him the medical records instead of her getting a copy of them to read. I told her that she might talk to him and have him explain DID to her. She told me that he is an older psychiatrist, my feelings on this is that older psychiatrist do not really believe in that DID is a real disorder. I may be wrong about this man but it scares me. Also it would not work with me seeing a male psychiatrist there are just things that would not work with me talking about the abuse with a male, my alters would not trust a male. I care for this person very much she has been apart of my life for almost 30 years. I have know her since she was my teacher when I was 12. We got back in touch with each other around 5 years ago. She has lived a life where rape and abuse are a foreign concept, do not get me wrong I am thankful for that, I would not wish what I went through on anyone. I am not sure what she thinks. Is she trying to prove I do not really have DID, is she attempting to find a way not to be apart of my life. If that is the reason then just walk away, tell me can not handle the situation. I could handle that more than the constant wondering about what she is thinking. When I asked her once she got real defensive. That was a couple years ago. Just be honest with me, I am a messed up mental case and you think I am faking because you do not believe in DID. Why would I fake such an awful disabling disorder that has taken my life away. I barely have anything to live for anyway without someone I love trying discredit me like I am lying. This is why I do not allow people in my life. Why do people want to hurt others just because they can. DTC
  14. Laura and bellachai: Thank you so much for you suggestions and support. I appreciate it very much. I see a therapist here for the first time on the 5th of this month and I can not remember the date I see my Psychiatrist here for the first time sometime this month. I do not have a medical doctor yet here I can not afford to go to one yet. I have applied for state assistance but have heard nothing yet. It is like running in circles living in the big city, or I should say big city for me. I never knew it would be so hard to get help while getting back on your feet in a new city. They do offer two meals a day at the Salvation Army. I was able to pay the bills with my child support and alimony and have just enough left for gasoline to look for jobs, pay my fees to see the therapist and psychologist and pay for my meds. There is no money for food so I can at least make sure the kids get two good meals a day. Just to get temporary assistance for food at a food bank is an all day thing which takes away from you time looking for work. It is like running in circles hoping things get better. DTC