If I hadn't have immediately gone from shock to denial and self blame and then blocked in out completely, I would have called it rape and asked my friends to call the police or take me to the ER. I was simply out with my friends celebrating my 21st birthday. HE followed me into the restroom and HE attacked me. Why on EARTH didn't I call the police??! I took a shower and washed away all that evidence. I'm still so angry with myself. Seriously, its taken me 13 years to finally call it what it was. I'm so angry with myself its ridiculous. And WHY didn't my stupid "friends" put 2 and 2 together and call the cops FOR me?? Rape is such a horrible and harsh word. I always feel a numbing shockwave jolt through my body when I hear the word out loud. I sometimes think that SA is much easier to say out loud..... Rape implies the ultimate loss of control and I am too stubborn to give anyone that satisfaction. I just have a hard time admitting that type of vulnerability.