Brie

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About Brie

  • Rank
    Where you invest your love, you invest your life.
  • Birthday 06/05/1989

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. I used to dissociate a lot. I don't much anymore. But there were a few levels. The first was feeling not quite connected to my body. I could interact with people but it was hard to focus and respond. The second I would have that and be visibly dizzy. The third would be some sort of a black out. My drink was spiked so alcohol, parties, bars, and the noise in those settings triggered me and only in those situations would I black out.
  2. Upset about Game of Thrones

    Controversy surrounding Sunday's Game of Thrones is all over the internet and I'm so glad it is. I saw it with my boyfriend and couldn't watch the end of the episode. I had to turn away and close my eyes and, as soon as it ended, I bolted and went into the bathroom. For those of you who haven't seen or heard, one of the main characters was raped while a family friend, who had been tortured and mentally broken by her new husband/rapist, watched. Now this is a character who was already suffered abuse at the hands of her last intended husband and it doesn't even happen in the book. At least not to her. This is the third time a main female character has been raped in the show and not the books. Considering the past treatment of the subject, I imagine there will be little to no handling of the aftermath. I have no issue with rape being shown as long as it is handled well. While that medium can't possibly portray everything that comes along with such a trauma, it can show the women as upset, as suffering from some symptoms of PTSD for at least an episode or two after. It would be preposterous for a serious, gritty war movie to show a character severely injured without some of the recovery process or a change to his/her personality. And rape should never be used to advance the plot, strengthen a male character, or make a boring character more interesting. All that to say, I'm a bit pissed about the handling of this as are a lot of people. And while my boyfriend asked me if I was okay and listened, I'm not sure he got it. On one hand, he told me he understood why it would be difficult for me and on the other hand expressed surprise that I was so invested in the show. (A show he wanted me to like in the first place.) I remember telling him, it's not that I'm invested in the show. I'm reacting because of what happened to me. I remember asking him if he'd ever experienced something so awful that certain things are triggers or reminders. He said of course, but I almost felt like he thought I was playing the role of a victim, a martyr. Maybe that's not fair. I don't remember with clarity everything, but I thought something was said in that regard. I do know that I told him that it's different, this is a trauma response; I can't control it. I told him, which I hadn't explained before, look, I disassociated and had body memories most every day for 6 months to a year. This is something like that. We talked about other things, our personality types and how it's important for me to express when something upsets me because I used to not and it didn't work well for me, but that it's difficult for me to do that; that it was difficult to tell him I was upset. The next day I felt mixed about it all. I wondered if I was just crazy and it wasn't that negative of a scene. Thankfully, social media seems to agree with me. But I still wonder if I expressed things correctly to him. I'm afraid I said too much. I'm afraid I offended him by saying that it's better that I do express these things than how I used to do things. I can't recall how I said it, but he thought I was being patronizing. I told him no, holding things in might work for him, but it didn't for me and it sucks changing that. I'm afraid despite how I was able to be composed, though a bit upset, that he thinks I'm "emotional" when yes, I have emotions but I rarely show them. I'm afraid he doesn't get it or is upset about the matter as he was angry about the situation for days when he first found out. But, at the same time, I said something in the moment and that's huge for me. I explained myself as best I could and I retorted and elaborated when I felt I needed to. I actually told him I was upset instead of pushing it aside.
  3. Undeserving

    Sometimes it all seems insurmountable. The reality is that I tried to push aside a difficult matter. It used to be those things would go away, or they would seem to disappear. It wasn't a perfect solution; it was a bandaid, but it felt easier. I'm not religious. I went to my sister's church for Easter Sunday because I felt it was important to her that I go. I expected the same old sermon I've heard time and time again, recounting the resurrection of Christ with all the same cliches. But this was different. The priest focused on the women in the story and related them to an organization the church works with that deals with survivors of human trafficking. He described these survivors and it would have been a bit heart-wrenching for anyone, but for me, it was a trigger. I tried to hold back my tears and tune him out with thoughts of a zombie Jesus, but ultimately, I had to leave the church because I couldn't stop crying. I hadn't been triggered like that in ages and it felt stupid. I've had some crap experiences, but what he described was worse. It seemed wrong for me to be so upset. What upset me is the hardest part. A year ago, I wouldn't have known and maybe that would have made it easier to discuss with my counselor. But I know, or at least I know a good deal of it. It's at least a couple of things. I'm not sure I've ever really allowed myself to feel sad for me. If someone else were to tell me stories similar to the ones I have, I'd feel upset for them. And it's not just that I was raped. Hell, most of it is little things. Not every man is an asshole and I have known good men. Yet, growing up, I feel like I attracted all the horrible ones. I was thirteen when the catcalls started. Fourteen when a couple of boys harassed me at school, but that was minor. Fifteen when an older man and family friend who I considered my brother acted inappropriately toward me and I was told he molested my sister ten years prior. I was depressed and he was a large part of my support system. My parents lacked the capacity to handle things like that. I was devastated. I blamed myself and became more depressed. I tried taking on leadership roles in the church. It was expected of me. But there were issues and as a woman and as a teenager I was not respected. Around seventeen, I decided that fifteen was young and I shouldn't blame myself. Then my coach, an man I really looked up to, started showing a sexual interest in me. Aside from inappropriate comments and creepy staring for months and more direct come ons when he was drunk, nothing happened, but I blamed myself. Then I started working at a restaurant. I quit after my first shift because the owner came on to me. I took a job at a fast food joint only to face harassment every day from the owner's friends. In college, I tried staying after a speech to ask a question. The speaker looked me up and down and compared me to his daughters. Then, when I studied abroad, one of the employees of a hostel we stayed at in Barcelona spiked my drink. He didn't rape me. I had many bruises and was prescribed medication for the pain in my hips that lasted for month. After college, I worked as a server and hardly a shift went by when I wasn't sexually harassed my customers, co-workers, or management. And it was normal. And then there was that last restaurant. It was where I met my rapist. We saw each other for a few months. I didn't feel I had much of a choice. I knew things were wrong, but what hurts about it and about all of it, is that I couldn't see how wrong things were. After I decided I couldn't leave because his anger scared me, I convinced myself all of it was fine. I feel for the younger me who couldn't see how bad things were. I'm not sure I ever realized how bad things were in any situation. I stood up for myself from time to time, but it all became so normal and I became desensitized. I didn't know how a boyfriend should treat me. Maybe I still don't. What's the hardest to admit is that I don't think I felt like I deserved to be treated well. It's not like anyone told me that. But I think the harassment and objectification, especially by men I respected and sought support and approval from, made me feel that way. If these men could treat me this way, how could I expect any better from anyone else? Sure, I see women in loving relationships where their partner respects them and genuinely shows them love and affection. But those things don't happen to me. Truthfully, I'm not sure I feel like I deserve those things. And I know that sounds awful. I know it's unreasonable. I know I deserve to be happy, to be in a healthy relationship. But I don't feel it. It makes me wonder about my current boyfriend. He won't intentionally hurt me and I do believe he is a good guy. Yet, I also know that you shouldn't be with someone just because they're good or nice. There are issues and so much centers around communication and also openness. It's hard to get him to open up to me. But then again, I could be letting outside factors delude my thinking. And sometimes talking to my counselor about it confuses me more and makes me want to put any problems we may be having on me.
  4. 1. Yes and no. My drink was spiked by a guy I had stopped seeing at our work Christmas party and he intended to rape me but by a fluke, someone else, a coworker, did. I didn't realize until about a week later exactly what happened. The guy I had been seeing texted me days later asking what happened and how I felt the next day. It was weird. When I did after two more texts from him tell him my drink was spiked, he made it sound like he didn't believe it happened. The next day he wouldn't stop texting me, basically asking to hookup. I clearly told him I was not interested and that unrelated, something bad happened to me that night and I wouldn't be seeing anyone. He didn't care. Instead he kept texting me and stood outside my apartment for at least 10 minutes. At first, I just thought he didn't believe me and then I realized he probably did it. But I still question it and think that maybe he didn't do it and that I'm just crazy. Other than that my roommate heard me throwing up and having sex with the guy who raped me. I don't think she believes me and I don't feel like I can say much around her. But I think it's because she doesn't want to think she heard what happened and didn't do anything. Not that she could have known. But all my friends I have told have believed me and been supportive. 2. Again, yes and no. I had been seeing this older guy for a few months. Then about a month before it all happened, I decided I wasn't interested. I just didn't like him anymore and all he wanted was sex. I think because he wasn't okay with me being done with him, he spiked my drink and intended to take advantage. He might have at the bar but I'm not sure. Then, like I said, by a fluke I took this other coworker home. I don't really recall at all. So he probably didn't know my drink was spiked and I had no idea what was going on. Either he was too drunk to realize I wasn't able to consent or he knew and didn't care. I'm not sure which it was. 3. Yes. I used to deal with things by numbing myself so I didn't feel anything. I also used to cut. I know I shouldn't do those things and I have not. But it has made it difficult to know what to do and I have tried my best not to hide my feelings because I feel like it will only hurt me more. So I haven't been myself at work. I have been quiet and I don't want to talk to anyone. (Thankfully, I had left that job right before the party and am no longer working there. So my current job is different but I had been doing both jobs for about 1 1/2months.) 4. I disagree. It is exceedingly hard for me to believe that romantic relationships can last or that I will find someone who actually loves and cares about me. I am 23 and have never had a boyfriend. Not one. My first negative experience was when I was 15 and a trusted family friend who was like my brother became interested in me inappropriately. He didn't molest or rape me but things were getting close. That and lesser experiences made me reluctant to be in a relationship. I was not in a relationship with the guy I was seeing, the one who spiked my drink, but it was the closest I have been to that. Before all this happened and I was done with being with him, I felt I learned a lot. I learned what I wanted and what I didn't and also about things I needed to deal with to be able to be in a healthy and happy relationship. And those things still stand. Everything that occurred happened about two weeks ago. Last week I went out on a date with someone I met before this. He's nice and funny. I have to stop seeing him because I know I'm not okay and that it isn't fair to him and I don't want to set myself back but I know he is a good guy. Once I have dealt with what happened to me, I do believe I will be with someone and it will be positive. But I understand the feeling that you have that you are only good for abuse. I'm familiar with it. I have had other things happen and they happen over and over again or so it seems. I feel sometimes that it must be something that I am doing. I don't know. There are a lot of horrible people but there are good ones too. 5. This is a tricky question. Everything happened less than two weeks ago. I don't know. I'm not me. Sometimes I'm fine and happy and other times all I want to do is cry or sleep. It confuses me but I'm pretty sure it's normal. I guess I haven't really accepted it. In bad moments, I see myself as a victim and I blame myself. I think my reactions are crazy and that I just need to deal and move on. In good, I see that this is really recent and that I'm a "survivor" and I have to give myself time. In those moments, I also see how it can and will make me stronger. 6. Yes, I have. I used to, with other things, bottle things up inside and pretend I was okay by numbing myself. I know that is a bad coping mechanism and I also know that in this case, it would eat me up inside. The day I woke up next to the coworker who raped me, I was confused, delusional, and disoriented so I did what I would do, I went to work. I had lunch plans with a coworker and I was not okay. I ended up telling her. She was supportive but she doesn't quite get it or know how to respond and we're not super close. Then that night I had to tell a friend. I got a hold of two. One, my best friend since I was nine, has been very supportive and really wants to be there. The other is very supportive as well but doesn't quite get it. I feel like I have to make sure she is okay. And she says things like telling me to watch how much I'm drinking, which really isn't helpful. I didn't drink too much. I was drugged. Then I told two other close friends because I needed to before I saw them. They both reacted wonderfully. They are so supportive. Both wanted to immediately come see me. I only saw one because today I was too tired and not up to seeing the other. I do worry about telling my sisters. I think it'll be fine though. I know I won't tell my parents. They would believe me but they didn't believe my sister. But as far as the trust issues that you mention, I used to have a lot of trust issues. It isn't as much about not trusting other people, it's more about about not trusting yourself or it was in my case. I'm really lucky because I have wonderful friends who want nothing more than to be there. But I'm not sure how easy it is going to be for me to trust men. I think that is something that I'm can't judge yet. 7. Another tricky question. In bad moments, I don't trust myself at all. I think that it is my fault that I have had so many horrible experiences. I feel that I must be doing something wrong for everything to happen and that I'm lucky that this is the first (maybe second since I don't recall) time I was raped. In good moments, I know that I am usually a good judge of character and no one is perfect and I'll be better next time. As far as other people, I trust my friends. I do still trust people I think. I'm not sure what I feel about trusting men. I know some can be trusted but I think it's too early for me to completely know.