oma

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About oma

  • Birthday November 15

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Michigan
  1. I have no idea of a title....

    Life is a series of events that has been given to us. Is it possible to change that design. Or do we just 'think' we are changing the course of events on the roads we travel. All the twists, turns and mountains we climb... An illusion... A belief that we do 'change' or 'can' change our journey. Fooling ourselves into believing in something that has been preordained. To look back on the bigger picture to see the same events repeat themselves with a flaw, without a second thought. No matter what you do the answers remains the same through the course..... of my life anyway.... Maybe the repeated falls, the repeated failures....A sign.. A wake up call... How many times must we be slammed in the face with the truth before we finally say, "okay. I get it" And accept the truth for what it is..... Well, I get it! There is nothing else to say anymore.... Acceptance..... I think with that being said I have no reason to belong in Pandy's. Today was just another one of those wake up calls for me. I don't even know why I tried... :/
  2. Angels above the darkened sky Behold the forces of demon eyes Hear my voice That no longer carries in the wind Upon an alter they do win Heavens not to far away From the gates of hell To an open door way Every beat of my heart coincide with every tear that falls. Every ounce of who I am coincide with every thing that you are. Every second I live coincide with every breath of me, dying... I can't even write.. They stole my voice in more ways then one.. If your mind blocks you from writing. Sh*t the only thing I had left of some self importance is gone too... How do you get past this.....
  3. serious question..

    Is it normal to feel yourself closing off the world around you. That you are pushing away all those that care about you, and it doesn't matter to you? Because I do not understand what is happening to me. Yes I have pushed people away and closed off before, but not like this...
  4. Not going to be a good day!

    I know for a fact I will not hold my tongue when they show up. The anger and hate that festers in me is beyond all reasoning. What they have done, what they continue to do... or lack of doing and now this... I am small, I am mean, and I am irish, and I am a scorpio.. Add them together and you have a tiny ball of fury! Jessicas ( my 15 years old ) boyfriend Troy is living with us. His retarded mother pretty much washed her hands of him. Anyway, he is a good kid, but just has no direction what so ever in his life and never has. So he is somewhat of a trouble maker. On the 4th the boy and Jess went to Grand haven to see the fireworks. Stupid randome people out there decided to give a 17 year old boy whiskey to drink. Needless to say he managed to get himself into trouble yet again. Now they are telling me he did not start anything, But I know better!! Anyway somehow he managed to get into an altercation with another couple. Jessica kept out of it ( Thank God ) But from what is being said, the male decided to punch Troy so hard in the face that Troy ended up falling and hitting his head hard enough to crack his skull. So yesterday evening I guess the police called my daughters cell phone and decided to have a whole flipping conversation with her. I asked her after what that was all about. Well, Ottawa county has decided that they need my youngest to pick out the female that was involved, out of a line up. That in itself pisses me off. Yes, I want justice for Troy, but at the same time what the hell gives them the right to talk to my 15 year old without the permission of her parents, and what gives them the right to flat tell Jess that they will be here so they she can either go with them or maybe they will bring pictures. She wasn't sure what he was saying.. AGAIN what the hell right do they have to do any of this to my UNDERAGE daughter without the permission of her Mother!!!!!! You can beat your a** I will have it out with them just for that reason alone. It just boils me to no end! Whats worse if the guy who did the harm to Troy is getting off and yet they are going after the young lady who if anything spewed at the mouth and thats it. WTH is wrong with these moron cops??? I swear to God the step one foot in my house.. I will end up in jail!! The hate that I carry for them... Its undescribable. The weeks of hell they put me through, the lack of coming to my aid, and flat out telling me not to call them for help ever again.. The fact that they will take the word of a man before any women. OMG this list can go on.. Somehow this is NOT going to be a good day!!!
  5. Someone once gave me this song when I was feeling just like you are right now... *hugs*
  6. human condition..

    I was a creature who did not feel. Walking through life wired for sound, waiting for the next chain of events that brought with it untold stories. A journey built on numbness and guarded by walls. Only to allow enough light to seep through to see the dawn of yet another day. I remind myself of the masked creatures of the movie 'The wall', By pink Floyd. All expressionless solider's of time and space, among a world that we must ... need to conformed to. But a rebel lay within, defiant and bold. No amount of courage did I carry, Just a rebel girl who did not care. I respected no one, not even myself. In that time, that moment of life I was blinded by the comfort of the conformed way I was molded into being what others and this world had laid at my feet. What has/hasn't been brainwashed into me. A life with no spirit, or individually. Years past, and a heart so pure and true, slowly worked their way beyond the walls, beyond the grand canyons of my terrain. Past white water rapids and speared rocks . To a quiet little place no one knew existed. Not even myself. No words were said, only a out stretched hand. Every so slowly I began to rise off my knees, moving inches, millimeters at a time closer to where they stood. My mind screaming 'no' but my heart like a caged bird needed to live, to feel someone's touch before those walls remained shut forever. Going through the motions I numbly took hold. Guarded even more for the safety of my sanity. On high alert I begin to speak with them. Of nothing more than life's retreats, simple un- detailed daily life. Months went by, and I happen to notice a change within me. Was this love I felt? I couldn't be sure, because I could not define what love was. You do not miss what you never had, never learned. Time passes and I feel lighter inside. I do a double check of the word 'feelings', because again it was unknown territory I was walking. Our talks turned into deeper conversations, that I shutter to think back on now, because unknown to me my mind, heart, and soul started to walk out of the walls I carried for years. I began to feel. Simple yet unwilling feelings that were only strangers to me. More months went by, and I find my self in a bond with another human being that I have never shared in over 25 years of my life. Something so foreign, so off my usual track. A metamorphisms of cold and numb began to change to love and sadness. More feelings I never allowed myself to feel. More weeks went past and even in the face of danger, it my darkest of hours, knowing that one person was right there with me, even though miles and oceans separated us, I felt I could fly. A love so great, so deep and so true, allows anyone to feel free. Free from the chains that bind you to that quiet little place you once lived. A whole new world was opened up to me. One with feelings and brightness, love and regret. A heart that was never opened, was now lifted up. If one can believe in soul mates... I found mine. Tragedy struck one day. I lost the one person who allowed my heart to soar. I felt myself reeling, spinning out of control. Not wanting to breathe or walk again. Lost and alone, shattered beyond any human words can explain. Those wings that I once flew on, were clipped and I was brought down. Back to a reality that I could not face, a world in which I did not belong. Unwanted and unworthy of any human contact. It wasn't slow, but very rapid. I found myself numb and cold, backing away into the walls I had created to safe guard all that was left of me. It wasn't much, but enough to survive and again go back to the 'mask soldier' I was meant to be. Since then not one has cracked even the littlest of chip to where I am, but rather has handed me more bricks, and concrete to strengthen the walls and beams that surround my every existence. Further and further away I fade, like a foot print in the sand among so many others. Unnoticed, and insignificant. But within these walls lay a battle of emotion that no longer make sense. I was thrust into them before I was ready, and now they are strangling every breath I take. You cannot crawl away from them, and no forces are strong enough to keep them at bay. No more light shines through, no more hands do I reach for. Within these walls a darkened cavern, lay a wounded soul that no longer has anything to offer. As I walk along this wall, my hand out stretched feeling each brick. Each one holds a story, detailed and true, to remind me of what mankind is like, and what emotions can do. I fear there is no more getting out or away to be able to fly once again. I am beginning to accept my destiny, a reality far to real for me. Caged and trapped on the inside, emotionally and mentally shipwrecked, Caged and trapped on the outside, all but a prison where physically you are watched, with greedy eyes. If a heart could cry, mine would make an ocean, for more reasons than I could even explain. If my soul could talk, it would whisper how precious every life is. To say that ' You are love' beyond measure and worth. That you are not just dust, or cells floating around clumped together. You are far more! You are energy. Energy never dies, but continues on. It moves and connects to every living organizim. Every breath we take. Everything we touch, smell, see and sense. It's gut wrenching to know we live in a world where monsters, demons, evil and greed, out weight the knowledge of such a simple thought.
  7. ((((Pink))))) Im so sorry that things just seem to be falling down right now around you. I know it suxs beyond words and finding the energy to get back up all the time is tiring, frustrating and hard to see the point. I'm sure there is one tho. Just do not understand why so many of us have to endure such hardship and can't catch even just the littlest of breaks. I guess where there is a will, there is a way eh? I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I knew how to ease some of this heartache your feeling right now. But the most I can say is keep pluggning along, because you really are stronger than you think. Your a wonderful person Pink who has been handed a raw deal in this life. I think that is where we find the courage within ousleves. To be able to look upon all that was and is, and say, " I did it! I survived!" Even if there is no point at the end of all the trials and hills we have climbed, to be able to hold your head up high, to say, " I survived, I beat you!!" It's some sort of achievement. Its inspiring, and something to be proud of within yourself. I know you can do this... I know we all can.. Just have to believe in ourself and when we cannot see through the fog of all the pain, allow others to light that way for you. Because we believe in you too. My prayers go to you, your pup and that heart thats hurting so much right now, as well to your grandfather. It's okay to cry, its okay to scream, holler, be angry and sad... You have every right to feel that... If we weren't so flipping far away, I would be sitting right with you, holding on to ya, and letting you know, " it will be okay." Hang in there! (\ /) ( . .)♥ c(”)(”)Oma
  8. Thanks Pink!!!
  9. Pink, nothing you said was stupid. In fact when I read this I sent out a email to Lakeshia at the YMCA and asked her about it. I have never even thought about it, it has never been brought up, so I have no idea how it would work, if it will.. But it's worth looking into. I appreciate the helpful advice, I really do. Even tonight when I wanted to just come on here and blow up and say to h*ll with things. I see you, and others fighting your a** off to make a difference, to find some sort of healing and peace within yourself and this world. It's awe inspiring and gives so many hope. How is supporting someone stupid if it offers hope? There is no way my friend that it could. You are a wonderful person who has so much to offer this world. I am utterly thankful your here!!
  10. Thanks Pink.. This might sound completely stupid to say, but when I sleep, first I am literally knocked out on 6mg of ativan, add to that 4 sleeping pills. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep at all. Not sure why and neither do the doctors. The way I see it, I have a ADHD brain. Don't shut off. But as stupid as this is to say, " I am used to always being on edge." This life, didn't start when I got married, its been all my life, so in some ways it's 'normal'? I dunno... And I agree, either they shut the door, laws stop everything, or they pawn you off.. Finding that to be true all over again... I knew better than to try.. But it's like something in you that says, " you gotta try again." But I can if anything I am learning more and more than before.. Crappy part is, none of it is good... I don't understand either.. I wish I did.. Wouldn't feel so worthless ya know.. if some one would just stop. Just stop long enough to help. Anyway.. Thank you though. It's good to know if anything that some people really do 'get it.' You hang in there and keep you chin up as well!!! alright?! *hugs*
  11. Hi Pinkbell... Didn't expect ya or anyone really to say anything. Thank you for being so sweet and kind. Your one in a million ya know!! I am just trying to keep track of who the heck I have contacted and when... Something has got to give! Gotta add two more... NCADV Womenslaws
  12. june 13th

    Alight, note to self... Safe haven.. To busy.. W. Michigan Rave.. no answer in over a week and a half. Y.. Lakeshia sent me more resources, but states shes helpless.. Carmen, no word from the emails I have sent out.. Project hope, No reply yet, after a week. Alison from EDU, answered, but cannot help unless I can use a phone, and get down there once a week.. Project heal, and United way... no reply yet...also been a week and a half Allagen police, answered but cannot step out of their own county.. Cross-roads, no answer or reply in a week and a half... Rainn sends me to Women in Transition.. Can't go to that one.. Idiots know where the protected home is. Alright.. now what... Start over!!! Just differently... __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 14th... got an email back, I should be thankful for that much. But Projects hope is off the list, because they only sent a hotline number, which is Rainn.. Rainn hooks me up with the YMCA, and Lakeshia from the Y isn't doing much good. And legal aid.. Got some info from them, but.... To go 'underground' is not going to work if at all any Government agencies are part of the issuse at home, and the military and Police are issues. I learned that you can change everything from your SS card, to ID etc... but your still traceable.. Which might explain how they keep finding me when I do leave. It's the only logical explanation to the fact that they found me in a shelter home that doesn't 'exist' Or how they find me when I leave state... I also found out from them that even if by some off chance I did figure this junk out, there is jurisdiction requirements in a divorce, and in this state you still have to be there for court. More so if you have kids under age, and a spouce who will fight you all the way. Though I already knew that part, I really didn't know that your traceable.. but legal Aid won't tell me anymore, they just give me a number to an attorney. ________________________________________________________________________________ 19th.... I have about had it with Lakeshia from the Y... I finally got an email back last night from her.. and it amazed me because it was seriously late, which means she did it from her home.. But according to her, she pretty much doesn't have to be available to me even when she is working.. THATS NEWS TO ME!!!But you know what, whatever... Im all done with her... Wonder what her boss would think over the emails she sends me... It's alright though. There are more fish out there, and I am not about to stop. It just shows me that if the little people will not listen, then I will go higher up. See now its just personal!! Now its not just for me, but for all the people who fall through the cracks.. Probably did something really stupid, but at the same time I don't regret it, or what the outcome will be... I emailed my 'father' He is the biggest threat to me.... But no more will I be afraid of what he or his military friends can do! I couldn't tell you why.. The other day a semi was flying down our road, probably going at least 80. He must not have seen the car that was turning down our road because before I knew it, standing right next to him, he slammed on his breaks, smoke was everywheer, tires were melting into the street. If I would have been 3 inches to my left, I would have been smacked. I didn't move, I didnt flinch, nothing... I wonder if fear can disappear? Whatever the reason behind the fact that I hold no more fear... I hope my 'father' and his jacka** friends enjoy that email.. Same hold true to my husband and his goons, and all those out there like Lakeshia.. this is MY TIME!!!!! Common world, bring it on!! ________________________________________________________________________________________ June 26th.. Got a hold of our local news team and sent them out an email.. Well, I took a step into unknown territory. Talked to a good friend yesterday and decided not to stop. As it stands the safest way to do this is to make sure that my documents and everything I have is in someone else's hands just in case, which I am in the process of doing. Once that is done, then I will go beyond our local news, and go national. Gina and I figured out ways to do just that. My 'father' use to and still does tell me, " If you dig a hole, you lay in it." Well, I didn't dig this hole, they did.. I am just finishing it. I worry that my mom, or my kids or Summer will be in danger because of what I am doing. So I have to think about them as well.. But how can you tell people to 'risk' if you yourself do not do it. I used to think that what goes on here, didn't effect my kids. Last year and now I see differently. No, they have never been abused and are loved beyond words, but their choices in life and the men they choose reflects what they have seen and learned. I don't want to do that to Summer... I might have failed my kids in some ways. But that little one needs a chance, deserves a chance! My life is done, hers is just beginning. If I think, then I will stop so I am doing what I can not to think about the consequences to myself, only those who I care about. Right or wrong, some should at least know this sh*t goes on, and way to many people fall through the cracks of our justice system.... _______________________________________________________________________ July 6th... I have no blasted clue why I even bother.. So far nothing has changed when it comes to people not giving a damn. You go through waves of busting your a** to help yourself and for what.. So people can just add more and more bricks to a wall thats already so defined, and behind it all you are left to feel is defeat, worthlessness. Geez just had a thought, if its not the abusers that destroy us, its the hope we have in mankind and how they just ignore you, it destroys too... So I am making one more.. and I literally mean one more ditch effort. I will not do this again.. I will not put myself through this anymore... I wrote Safe haven who has flat out stop talking to me since the whole mess with Lakeshia.. I wrote them tonight.......... ______________________________________________________________________
  13. | Hugs truck ||l “”|””\__,_ |_____________|||__|__|__|] (@)@)*********(@)(@)**(@) (\ /) ( . .)♥ c(”)(”) and a bit of bunny love and well wishes headed your way! Please hang in there!
  14. Thanks Bellachai, I agree, but when you live in the boondocks and a small town, it still plays a big role in how these idiots play. To me I just cannot understand how it is "R" is still running. It blows my mind! I have a feeling here shortly this is going to start all over again... I don't know if its inner strength... I blame it on being a scorpio.. LOL!
  15. police...

    I know a blog is to kinda journal whats up in life. But I am looking at it in the standpoint of marking days these mornons once again do not do their jobs!! I am angery that the world and those in it can be so cruel, so one sided, and so ................... can't say it or I will be swearing till I hit the wall.. I so dislike O county police. For my own protection, which you will understand if you choose to read this, I cannot say the name of the police department. The jerks were here this weekend due to the fire burning in the field out back. Once again they did not do anything to help the situation at hand even though they know full well what's going on. I seriously hate them!! Idiot hands me a booklet on DV... That's it.. Stupid grrrrrrrrrr! I should know better. I should have it melted in my brain they are morons! I will never gain help from them as long as I live in this county. As long as 'R' is in office I am scr*wed. I seriously wonder how it is humanly possible that they allow him to stay working. Heck even other county police wonder the same thing. Awhile back when I was talking to Mimi, ( once the executive director of Sylvia's place.. a shelter in Allegan county) After she and I talked for some time she let me know there are many issues with this county and 'R' the head sheriff. He was well know for have a married couple on his force, and the male was abusing his wife, and they covered it up. They are know for allowing officers to shoot dogs, and then deny it later.. etc.. And this is information that comes from another county police office that had to 'baby sit' mine so that when I could finally get out.. they would do their job. Thing is even prier to this, I was living on a street that had maybe 10 homes on it. It was a dead end street and pretty much everyone knew everyone. It was in the summer and I love to lay out in the sun. So one day I was in shorts, and just a swim suit top, and one of my neighbors that I had issues with came over and started his crap. Ended up getting R*ape by him. I called the 'O' police and they came out. I was a mess, and the only thing that came of it was the cops telling me that I should not be walking around wearing what I was. It was inappropriate and it cause men to look. He did more than look!!!!!! I don't know, maybe it was just everything built up, but I told this Idiot cop that I should be able to run naked and NO ONE should touch me.. I wasn't that nice when I said it. I called him all sorts of names... I still get extremely mad when I recall this. I told him he was full of sh*t and that I will talk to someone higher up. And I did. I sent out emails to the head office and 'R' himself... Once I started to push the issue, that's when all heck broke lose. For three weeks every flipping night a cop would be at my door. Or they would show up at 3 am and break in, saying they had just cause.. etc. They showed up on day, and I was just totally getting sick of it. I asked the idiot why they were here yet again, and he said that one of my old neighbors had called. I asked which one... Of course he tells me they cannot tell me that but another officer was outside talking to them as well. I didn't believe them. I told him, " FINE, im going out to see." he told me that if I left my home, I would get arrested. Mind you when I am that mad, I have a extremely bad temper. I just looked at the moron and said, " Fine you cannot stop me from getting my mail" Which was at the end of the road. He couldn't either. I grabbed my keys and walked out. Sure enough there was no one out there talking to anyone.. But they night they broke in and shined a light in my kids face was the end of it.. I had totally enough. I knew I could do nothing with our county so I contacted the state police and the head office again, and some other counties, looking for some sort of help with this. Once word got out I was doing that, it made it 5 times worse with my county. But I pushed it anyway...The harassment didn't stop, and the state police tell me all they can do is assign a detective to look into all this. I thought, fine at least its something. Needless to say it was a detective from my own county.. They came over, and pretty much in the short of it, told me that police will back up their own no matter what and that I was wasting my time trying to be heard. I felt so defeated. I was dealing with my own issue with abuse at home that they would not help me with. I remember once also they came out after my husband and I had a really bad fight. Got pounded pretty bad. The cops came out, and I sat in the dinning room waiting to talk to them. The whole damn time they sat and listened to my husband and did not even ask me one question. It was like I wasn't even there. And that was it... that's all that happened. After all this the last time they came out for NO reason but to be jerks, I blew up at them. This cop just looked at me and told me straight to my face to never again call them for help, because help would not come. And that if I kept pushing the issue of them harassing me they will have me arrested.. What the h*ll I thought. In this time I was still talking to Mimi, and I told her everything... Though it took over 8 months just to get out of my home the first time.. When I did get out Mimi and another counties police officer who worked for the shelter helped me out. There is a form you can fill out to files charges against the police department...We were in the process of doing that when I was at the shelter, and if anyone's been in a shelter you know you only have 6 weeks. The last week I was in the home, my husband and his friends found it. These homes are supposed to be under the radar, and yet...... It was impossible for them to find me... yet they did. I blame it on 'O' county police. Though I have no proof... I have a feeling it was them... So it's no surprise what happened this weekend.. I just wish I knew of a way to fight back on this, and there just isn't. You cannot win when fighting the police... Defeated is a huge emotion when it comes to that part of my life... One day I swear if its the last thing I do in this world.. One day someone will listen!!