I have been feeling really defeated the past couple days...and it has lead to some moments of a lot of anger and lashing out at people who probably don't deserve it.
Today my grandma and I were spending time together and she starts to go on about how I was just as bad as my sister when I was her age...she is 17 now and has gotten into a lot of trouble as of lately. Then she basically told me it was my fault my mom got in trouble with DHS and then her life fell apart...and its my fault my sister is going down a bad path...I lost it...I tend to bite my tongue, but today I couldn't bite my tongue...I yelled at her...You watched as grandpa touched me...you listened to me scream as my sister would bite me, pull my hair, and kick and hit me...you watched on Christmas eve...every year...as they tortured us...at your house...you never protected us...you let my dad in so he could fucking rape me...you just listened every night...you never cared what happened to me.
I ran to the room that used to me mine and sit in the closet and cry ...grandma eventually came in and told me she had no choice but to turn her back on the situation...she didn't think it was that bad. I became physically ill...i told her to get out...she left...a little later she came back in and sat down next to me and put her head on my leg and told me she was sorry.
Maybe she is really sorry...maybe there was nothing she could have done, but I can no longer trust anyone because of her...because she let everyone abuse me...when DHS got involved she told me I was going to go to jail. Everyone always thinks the grandma is innocent and would never do anything to hurt there grandchildren. She never once touched me but she took the pictures for my grandpa as he touched me...she helped him...she watched us be beat...whipped...and tortured for hours because that is what you do on holidays...she never did more than spank us, but she also never stopped it. She made me believe that I wasn't worthy of anything more...that what was being done to me was meant to be done to me. I just feel so incredibly defeated, like there is no point in continuing...because I am so unworthy of life.