gigglealotable

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About gigglealotable

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. Confused

    How do you explain to someone that your body is not just your body? I share my body with different people...maybe I am just crazy. I'm sorry I'm crazy. These people constantly talk. I can hear them, but only sometimes can I see them. I don't know. I want to tell my counselor, but I am afraid she will find me crazy. But some of them are really mean and I wonder if it is possible to get rid of them.
  2. Feeling responsible

    I've always worked so hard to be a good girl...at 22 years old I was still doing everything I could to get my mom to love me. I am coming up on the year anniversary of my mom taking her life, and it's been really tough. Then I found out that the cousin who saved my life from my mom took her life this past Saturday...I feel so responsible. On Aug 28, 2011 my mom and my moms boyfriend broke into our apartment. I was living with my cousin at this time trying to escape my mom. That night I had taken a sleeping pill to sleep because I was exhausted. I didn't even wake up until he had already given me many cuts and bruises and was on top of me. My mom was just watching...which is what she likes to do. When he was almost done my cousin wakes up because I somehow managed to scream. My mom told him to kill me and he had a knife...she had a gun. In that moment my cousin is standing at her bedroom door with a phone and told them she had called 911. They ran out the door and I stayed alive. I put her in harms way and traumatized her. She couldn't even go back into the apartment again for a couple weeks...and then we stopped living there and together. I feel so horrible. Like my existence causes people to want to die. She was an amazing person, she didn't deserve to have to live in such fear because of me.
  3. Lashing out

    I have been feeling really defeated the past couple days...and it has lead to some moments of a lot of anger and lashing out at people who probably don't deserve it. Today my grandma and I were spending time together and she starts to go on about how I was just as bad as my sister when I was her age...she is 17 now and has gotten into a lot of trouble as of lately. Then she basically told me it was my fault my mom got in trouble with DHS and then her life fell apart...and its my fault my sister is going down a bad path...I lost it...I tend to bite my tongue, but today I couldn't bite my tongue...I yelled at her...You watched as grandpa touched me...you listened to me scream as my sister would bite me, pull my hair, and kick and hit me...you watched on Christmas eve...every year...as they tortured us...at your house...you never protected us...you let my dad in so he could fucking rape me...you just listened every night...you never cared what happened to me. I ran to the room that used to me mine and sit in the closet and cry ...grandma eventually came in and told me she had no choice but to turn her back on the situation...she didn't think it was that bad. I became physically ill...i told her to get out...she left...a little later she came back in and sat down next to me and put her head on my leg and told me she was sorry. Maybe she is really sorry...maybe there was nothing she could have done, but I can no longer trust anyone because of her...because she let everyone abuse me...when DHS got involved she told me I was going to go to jail. Everyone always thinks the grandma is innocent and would never do anything to hurt there grandchildren. She never once touched me but she took the pictures for my grandpa as he touched me...she helped him...she watched us be beat...whipped...and tortured for hours because that is what you do on holidays...she never did more than spank us, but she also never stopped it. She made me believe that I wasn't worthy of anything more...that what was being done to me was meant to be done to me. I just feel so incredibly defeated, like there is no point in continuing...because I am so unworthy of life.