It has now been a month since I finally broke and just couldnt face pretending any more. I have been taking Xanax for panic attacks for nearly a month, and am in my second week of anti-depressants. Today I have realised the mammoth task I have ahead of me. The things I am going to have to face. The things I have to recognise. The things I have to remember. And I am scared. I am scared of being rejected by people I am close to. I am living in Asia at the moment, and as a plus size I get stared at ALL the time. But right now, in this state, it makes me feel even more uncomfortable. More undesirable. More sad. More unworthy. I joked the other day I had a stalker. An older man actually followed me, staring at the fat westerner. I was with a friend the first two times, but he literally followed me up the street and stopped. He meant no harm at all (its often what happens here to expats) but it is SO rude and made me feel SO disgusting. Then yesterday I was on my own and he was there again. And again he followed me towards Starbucks! I actually nearly didnt go to work this morning because I just couldnt face the staring if he was there. I nearly broke down in tears, but the Xanax helped and I was able to see a bit more straight. I work with some lovely people, but I cannot say I am close to any of them. I feel so alone at work and completely alienated from other people, who are happy in their relationship or marriage. People were asking how I was, but in a concerned way. Said I looked pale. My face looked thinner. What am I supposed to say? I wish I had just had the flu or something. I am in a relationship, but that scares me. I am afraid of trusting him for fear of rejection. I am afraid to really show how depressed and sad I am at times. But I just dont feel I can pretend anymore. Which petrifies me. I have one close friend here, and it is the same story. I am afraid if I am too down or too sad he will also not want to be around me. And then I will be alone. And (no offense guys) but having two guys in my life, who dont really do well with emotional issues isnt easy. My good female friends are all dotted around the world, and I miss them so much. They are great, but in different time zones and emails are not the same. I have a great doctor who will email me or call to help me, but I feel bad. She is my doctor! She is a busy woman as it is, without having me email saying I am having a panic. My therapist is also great, but she is off work this week. Its just been a tough day.