defiantinthedark

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    27
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About defiantinthedark

  • Birthday 06/12/1992

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Transgender
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Drawing, writing, theater.
  1. Love Slave/ Ashes

    For months after you were gone I would shut my eyes in bed and see our kitchen through the doorway on one side On the other Id see you lying next to me, one eye glaring from under dark hair I could still feel the chill of that underground room It was like I was still there You werent gone, you were "not there" In the wake of your new absence You were still everywhere, up close and too personal in my mind Even thousands of miles apart, I was tied about your little finger like string I lived to meet your whims, I died inside always failing to please These days I cant remember your voice, but still other things I remember too well Im different now, not so easily duped after having hit the rockbottom of gullibility I just remember the tears, The dull ache that lived in my chest all the time I lived with you And I wonder how I couldve ever lived like that Nothing can be taken back or changed The only thing that haunts me now is the regret and the rage But only sometimes Dawn has broken my internal darkness And the memories, one by one, blow away as ashes You have no power over me The spell was broken, and I saw you for the trembling bully you were Your punishment will be knowing yourself for what you really are One day, you will be forgotten By me, by the world, and blow away as ashes
  2. Phantasm: Alice Never Loved Me

    Cycles of emotional bondage repeat and repeat Until we awaken and choose differently Until we know today is not that moment from years ago All I wanted was to be loved for my own sake So many times I have lived the story of Phantom and Christine- I thought she loved me! After all the kindness I shared with him... I didnt want to fall in love again, but it's as if I was under a fairytale curse Bound to live the fable again, a poppet with a regenerating heart The first time, the first love-scar engraved She liked me because my mother spoiled her at my behest Her friend, in jealousy, told me the truth Mocking my gentle love for her, the kind of love that only a small child can give I wasnt enough For Alice, Alice with blonde hair I stood in front of her house in the rain, drenched, a whispy six year old She wouldnt let me in; I wept in the icy rain knowing the truth My own grandfather, whom because I had no one else I loved But I was just a toy to him, he was only using me Again my heart shattered before I had even reached middle school Too many times I have given everything to the one who would toss me aside on a whim Even in recent years and months I have fallen again Loving some lovely willowy big-eyed wonder- who would never, ever, ever see me as more than friend If even that... too often I have been reduced to doting Used, used, used, is that my only worth? Is that all Im good for? Is my only worth what I can do for some one- how I can serve their needs? I just wanted to be loved for my own sake But I have never been enough for anybody, not for anyone in the world Not even for myself, it seems I am a ghost, starved for a sense of being alive Can someone bring me to life? I am a wraith, restless for yearning for something unnamed Can someone show me a joy in living? Oh- to wait for another is to rot to dust Out of the opera cellar, and into a night lit by ghost orbs and sullen faces No one sees me, I wonder if I am really here There comes now the sweetest sunrise The new-born sun gives me a tender warmth that a human heart never has Tell me no lies For Alice never loved me Alice never loved me
  3. Defiant, In the Dark

    My enemies have tried hard to thwart me They used LOVE as a weapon to enslave me Sent temptations and torments to draw me from my task I can tell you, so many, there were so many Who have tried to destroy my soul I am still here From the moment I burst forth into the world The plot was on to crush me I was held down, violated by dirty hands and mouths For over a decade A prisoner, a toy, little slave boy I was made into a slave, to be used to make adults feel powerful To relieve them of their animal urges, their sadism and rage I can tell you, so many, there were so many Who revealed to me what was really in their soul Even as a teen, I was a device for Adults to feel supreme I had not anyone to turn to for comfort Love was a dirty word my captors used to try and fool me I grew up, and the enemy found more ways to screw me So accustomed to misery- I fell into Love's spell twice leading to hell Never good enough, never good enough to be loved in return My only worth was as servant, or so I thought I deserved This was the scheme that almost succeeded- For love I gave too much, almost everything- anything my Beloved needed I woke up, and broke away Oh by using my heart they almost won over me My name is Defiant I was a child in the dark And in the dark that child remains, still standing in rain This world has sure done its part, to get me to quit, to fall apart I am still here Burning Burning Burning