I understand. I was raped by someone I know in 2004. I have been on and off talking to a therapist with the va. They evidently submitted me for ptsd sexual trauma without warning me first. I felt betrayed but yet still had to relive everything. I blanked out on the name of the person who did this to me and later figured it out. My husband found out I can still press charges on the man and said I should make him pay. I can talk to close friends and family about it but not very well with others. I dont want to be scrutinized about it or judged. I know I could have been smarter about my decisions back then and how I handled it. I cant change the past. I cant handle the judgments on my poor decisions I do it on my own still. No one will change my decision it is mine alone the one thing I control.
My husband is a wonderful man but hes very sexual it is nice he wants me but annoying as hell when he grabs me. I told him I cant stand it when he grabs me or pinches my lower butt area. I cringe everytime. He thinks its because I dont want him. I feel like crap having to explain it has nothing to do with him. I cant stand it when people talk sexually all the time or have references all the time. The other day I was sleeping and evidently my husband was frisky but I was asleep. I didnt realize it until next day. I started to yell at him and was almost hitting him for touching me. I thought it was a dream and I was protecting myself. How do we get passed this so our loved ones dont suffer? I feel broken and damaged because intimacy is hard for me even though its been since 2004. Its embarrasing. I used to be care free and fun. Now im a shell compared to my old me.