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About HopeRedefined

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  1. I experienced childhood sexual molestation from two family members and lost my virginity to rape. The rape happened when I was 16 and I overachieved and acted like everything was okay for years. I would get into relationships and force myself to have sex while fighting nausea the entire time. I tried counselling at 21, then again at 23, and again this year at 24. I was able to talk about everything in my life besides the abuse. My throat would close up, my brain would shut down. As hard as I pushed it wouldn't come out. I started cocktail waitressing earlier this year. I was getting touched on my breasts, butt, men would try to dance with me as I was walking by and refuse to let me go. It was awful and the bouncers wouldn't do anything about it. I started having anxiety attacks for the first time in my life, I would cry myself to sleep at night, and my personality totally shifted. It was like I was feeling what had happened for the first time. I managed to find another job but a few months too late. Now I come across as a zombie...I'm not sure if I lost my sense of self or if the facade I had been using for years finally crumbled. I DESPERATELY want there to be someone in my life who cares and is compassionate enough to handle this sort of thing. Someone who supports me, listens, doesn't blame me, and doesn't feel like this sort of thing is "too heavy". I am afraid that no man will be patient enough to earn my trust and don't believe that a man could handle dating a girl with so much baggage. In reality it feels like having someone there for me is the only way I'll begin to heal. Clearly trying to do it by myself hasn't been working. I told one counselor that I felt like my body was preventing me from talking about it. Like it knew that I would break all the way down and not be able to function well. I'm not sure where to go from here, but somehow going deeper into this seems like a huge risk.
  2. "But it wasn't like it was a stranger in a dark alley." "That would have never happened to me, I would have fought." -"Friends" (I did.) "Are you sure it was rape and not just bad sex?" (From the police officer) "It's your own fault for going to that party in the first place." (From my parents) "Why did you let yourself be alone with him?" "Are you sure it really happened?" "Losing your virginity is overrated." "You're a beautiful girl, you'll be just fine." I was trapped in a room with my r*pist at a party. When my friend realized that something was wrong and that I wouldn't just randomly hook up with someone, she ran upstairs to try and get to me. His two friends chased her down, held her back and told her to let it happen. The direct quote was "he needs this."
  3. *Blue eyed men *Tall men (anyone over 5'10" I avoid unless it's work related) *Men I don't know well invading my space *Being called sexy or being complimented on my body *Being intimate (gives me nausea) *When people don't believe something I've said (makes me want to burst into tears) *Someone grabbing my arm as I'm trying to walk away *Being hugged from behind *Being silenced by someone else's hand over my mouth *Having my wrists held down *People who come near me when I'm asleep (I wake up screaming) *Men who touch me inappropriately at a club *People staring at me *Having anyone standing over me when I'm laying on my back *Being kissed unexpectedly *Extroverted men *Men who are muscular *Back massages *When my weight drops below a size 2 (too much attention) *Hearing heavy breathing *New Years Eve *Hearing someone describe someone else as weak