I experienced childhood sexual molestation from two family members and lost my virginity to rape. The rape happened when I was 16 and I overachieved and acted like everything was okay for years. I would get into relationships and force myself to have sex while fighting nausea the entire time. I tried counselling at 21, then again at 23, and again this year at 24. I was able to talk about everything in my life besides the abuse. My throat would close up, my brain would shut down. As hard as I pushed it wouldn't come out. I started cocktail waitressing earlier this year. I was getting touched on my breasts, butt, men would try to dance with me as I was walking by and refuse to let me go. It was awful and the bouncers wouldn't do anything about it. I started having anxiety attacks for the first time in my life, I would cry myself to sleep at night, and my personality totally shifted. It was like I was feeling what had happened for the first time. I managed to find another job but a few months too late. Now I come across as a zombie...I'm not sure if I lost my sense of self or if the facade I had been using for years finally crumbled. I DESPERATELY want there to be someone in my life who cares and is compassionate enough to handle this sort of thing. Someone who supports me, listens, doesn't blame me, and doesn't feel like this sort of thing is "too heavy". I am afraid that no man will be patient enough to earn my trust and don't believe that a man could handle dating a girl with so much baggage. In reality it feels like having someone there for me is the only way I'll begin to heal. Clearly trying to do it by myself hasn't been working. I told one counselor that I felt like my body was preventing me from talking about it. Like it knew that I would break all the way down and not be able to function well. I'm not sure where to go from here, but somehow going deeper into this seems like a huge risk.