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About pgpy00

  • Birthday 01/05/1995

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  1. School

    i go to school every day. its been years and it didnt happen at school yet im afraid at school. not enough to make me not go but enough to make me jumpy all day. i dont understand that. why should i be scared at school, and not just school anywhere there is a multitude of people i dont know. but i force my way through it cause i know im always gonna live with that...
  2. simple text ~trigger warning~

    I was coming home from school when my phone started buzzing. I finally came into service and I had two texts, one from my mom and another of an unknown number. I disregarded my moms to see who the other person was. It said "hi ______" i was confused i didn't recognize the number let alone who might have that number and know my name. i asked who it was and about an hour later i got my response. one word, just his name... it was enough to send me into a fit of dread… i was still on the phone with my mom so i somehow managed to remain calm i seem to be able to around family..i just hide it all... but once i was alone it was all over… i could feel him caressing me and pushing against me trying to kiss me... it never got farther than that but with my past i feel like I'm so weak… i could have told and i should have the police where near yet this little voice kept me from doing it… instead i just avoided him and i know ill never have to see him again even if i do i don't know if i can act weird... i feel really strange now though. like a mixture of an upset stomach and fear and pure anxiety all into one...
  3. thank you for listening and caring enough to respond.. it brings tears to my eyes to know that people do care do understand
  4. bitter medicine ~trigger warning~

    have you ever felt so alone or so disgusted with yourself and not have any idea what brought it on. i was home alone, which normally doesn't bother me anyway, and suddenly i felt like he was her. touching me in places that shouldn't be touched and tasting him in my mouth. i brushed my teeth till my gums where bleeding. i was so scared and my best friend i think is tired of dealing with me. i was so scared but she told me if i don't think positively ill never be ok and "just be positive idiot" i know she didn't mean it mean but it hurt... it hurt a lot... I'm not sure ill be able to talk to her about this again… my family doesn't believe me anyways. they think I'm all lying about it all… but they don't understand how much pain it brings me... I've come to the understanding that maybe I'm just to far gone for help. so what do i do? i punished myself, i had no other choice, I'm just a filthy little girl thoroughly coated in dirt…
  5. nightmares

    i have nightmares all the time i use to have them only here and there but anymore its all the time i wake up shaking and incoherent i have no idea where im at most of the time i feel like the walls are closing in on me why is that i wonder? why am i having so many of these dreams now its always different never is it the same but in the end they all have one thing in common they always leave me feeling filthy and helpless and terrified shaking crying begging for it to all go away never helps and i cant even ask for help im to scared to burden them with it let alone talk about what happen they dont believe me anyways so i dont see why i should. im not sure but i feel more lonely now than i did when they didnt know at all nothing seems to help anymore and its makeing me fall back into SI.. will this ever pass?

    These are the things that no one tells you, that you must experience in order to learn: it only hurts the first few times. you scream you scream and you scream and you scream until your throat is raw and your eyes swollen and you taste a curious substance in the back of your throat that is like bile and vomit and tears all rolled into one. you cry for your mother. you beg for god. you dont understand what is happening. you cant believe it is happening. and yet, it is happening. and so, bit by bit,you fall silent. terror doesnt last forever. it cant. it takes too much energy to sustain. and in truth, terror occurs when you are confronted with the unknown. but once it has happened enough, you have been systematically violated, beaten, cowed, its not unknown, is it? the same act that once shocked you, hurt you, shamed you with its perversity, becomes the norm. this is our day now. this is the life you lead. this is who you have become. a specimen in the collection