Welcome to the blog! I need somewhere where I can be honest about the things in my life - especially the things that don't paint me in a very good light and thus, I cannot share elsewhere on the net.
I joined Pandora because I rarely go out and talk to people that aren't my parents. I moved to this small town a year ago to be closer to them but I don't know anyone here and I'm too shy to figure out how to make new friends. Meanwhile I am miles away from my old friends and don't have any money... I wish I was more motivated to write letters but at the moment my apartment feels hot enough to be able to grill hamburgers on the floor (yes, I am too poor for air conditioning). I find the rules on this site a little overwhelming... you have to make so many posts before you can ask to join parts of the site that look like they might be more helpful but I don't know what to post and where in order to reach those cut-offs. I don't think I can go wrong with a blog for now so maybe this will be enough until I gain the strength and the know-how to post somewhere else.
I'm in my late 30s, lots of degrees, previous job experience but at the moment the government and my parents are supporting me largely due to mental health problems. I believe that most of them can be traced back to my experiences of sexual abuse and the rape I suffered as an adult. I'm starting to realize that the attitudes and deliberate uncaring I experienced from the people I worked with and for during those horrible years when I was barely holding myself together was deeply traumatic too - and the church I was attending at the time had me endure things that were traumatic. Until I got a counsellor this year, this was all jumbled up in my head and I'm just now starting to sort things out.
I want to get a job but living in this small town is making this largely impossible. You have to know someone if you are lucky enough to find a job opening at all and I don't know anyone. I'm not exactly lonely but I also know that it's not healthy for me to spend most of my days at home alone. I want more of a life that won't result in me overdoing it and ending up back in the hospital or more dependent on medication. I want normalcy but I don't know how to get it. I'm afraid that the things that have happened in the past have permanently put the normal things out of my reach.