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About krismase

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    drawing. writing. nature.
  1. the only constant in this life is change. the board, it is different yes. all valid feelings susanna.
  2. today effectively went to s***

  3. I can relate. its a process. I don't remember my abusers faces. which irks me to think I could be around them and not even know it. how many others were hurt because I never said anything. I gotta remember though I was a child. I can look back now with an adult perspective but as a child I didn't have this. I wont say it wasn't your fault because that's what you have asked but I can say it wasn't my fault being a child we are not to blame for the abusers actions. I have felt at fault before and I know that the day will come where I feel at fault again. It is what I do with that thought. I reach out to my safe people now and they help me. I am sorry you were hurt. I am sorry you have those fears. you didn't deserve that. I am learning who I am little by little everday. I as well had no idea who I was.
  4. the sound of a woman walking. I don't know how to explain it. It isn't with sneakers. It's dress shoes and not pumps. Wider heel. Walking with purpose. My stomach drops. It's one I'm having problems with lately. When I'm in a better place mentally. I don't even hear the walking.
  5. Defeat

    This May be incoherent. Unorganized. I'm doing This to try to calm my brain and heart. I don't want to go over the line into irrational fears. So, I have to the end of this week before my T will be unreachable until the middle of June. T said I would get call checking in on me. I know there's 3 days left for that call to occur I just really don't think it's going to come. I'm not messed up enough to deserve that call. How do I maintain better and healthier when end up losing support. I don't want to be in distress really I don't I just feel like I still need help. If I was in some sort of crisis bam I'm sure I'd have one last appt before this huge break. Just because I am doing better and working so hard to stay healthy and well it doesn't mean support should be cut. I mean I guess I just don't like my options. I could have gotten a different t and I feel like I'm being pushed to switch Ts. I'm mad about it I feel abandoned. I feel discarded. Not worthy. Undeserving of care. I could have chosen to see another. I felt scared when given that option. I felt sad. I felt panic. I played it off. Everything is ok. All is well. I'll be good. What's 5 weeks... I got this. Truth... I don't. I feel so abandoned. I don't want a different T. I want mine. I finally felt safe. The level of safe I felt was something I'd never experienced and now it's gone. Ripped away. I finally trusted. I worked so hard bringing down walls. What for. Why. Defeated. I'm defeated. What was that all worth to end in defeat.
  6. When a memory repeats over and over it has this power. It keeps me stuck in it. Almost like a stuck rescordv repeating. So I draw it. This time happened to be a fence, sidewalk, grass, sun. It is a flash of memory that kept repeating. It is a scene from when I was a child walking to where I ended up being abused. The sun the fence I looked to my left the sun was on the sky the grass was green the air was warm. So while writing in my journal I ended up drawing that. It seems so simple this piece of fence and grass.. But it in a way released the power of that memory. I've drawn floor plans, doors, porches. Whatever section of a memory is on repeat.
  7. Everyday pushing through

    Every day the pictures flash through my brain. All day. Being that I am unable to see T to try and process them I have had to figure out a way you stop them. Well they won't stop. I've kept busy. Taking care of myself. Running. Eating well. Talking to close friends. I even did some journaling. What I find somewhat helpful just like the other self care activities is drawing the picture in my head. Ice done that before, I can't really explain why. It is an urge to get it out of my head and the only way I could was to draw it. I don't want to be so spaced. I don't want to be stuck in my head. I feel alone in this right now. I feel like no one really can help me. I gotta get through this. I don't want to give in to the negative coping methods. Everyday I keep doing healthy self care. If I keep doing that maybe it will end and I won't have to harm to get through it.
  8. I need help

    That seems so easy to say. To admit yet I find myself silent. I find myself saying im ok. its ok. ill be alright. really... I AM NOT OK. I am losing my grip. It all goes back to being triggered about 3 weeks ago. ever since I have been unsettled. I want my calm centerdness back! I want my peace. I want my serenity! I need to talk. I need conversation. Not texting. Not emailing... Not even a phone call. I need to sit and talk. I need a genuine honest conversation. I am drowning without it. I have reached out 3 times to a friend and I even said No I am not ok... nothing. I said I need to talk.. nothing. I dont see T until friday.. I am holding off from SI ing, its the last thing i want to do but the first thing I want to do. I think I am going to call T tomorrow and just say.. I am really having a difficult time with some memories and new clarity. I am really not ok with it. It is heavy. THinking about doing that scares me. I dont ask for help often. She knows that too. I just dont want to lose myself. I dont want to relapse because i cant take the pain inside anymore. I want to stay sober. I want to keep from SI ing. I want to heal. I feel like this situation i am going through is the path of healing on this journey. It just hurts. I need to share it. If i dont share it... it will consume me. Its consuming me.. i dont quite like the feeling of being devoured by my pain. its a dull aching feeling.I recognize the need for self love and compassion. I believe I am cultivating that. I truly do.. its the change of perspective that has me so twisted up. I realized something about my csa and it changed a lot. I realized I have been holding someone responisible that rreally was a victim herself. thats heavy. HEAVY. i dont know if there is guilt there that I have been so angry and blaming of this person who really ended up being abused too. I dont know if it adds to the shame of it all and thats why I feel like my soul is a 5 course meal.. why is asking for help so damn hard. If I don't ask. If I don't get to talk about it. I will end up doing what I regret. So I guess I continue with the self love. self care. treating myself kindly. Tomorrow is another day. one that has opportunity to ask for help. To reach out to T and say.. I am not ok.
  9. keeping with the positive. i have stopped trying to figure it all out. i am accepting i am where i am. i see such negativity here sometimes and life just shouldn't always be about the bad. there is so much joy. There is light. Be the light, and the darkness goes away. I have stopped delving into my past. It is still there. I haven't shut the door on it.. I just am not allowing it to overcome my love of life. It took some time and it is still improving. Everyday. My t and I decided that unless I have a flashback or am dealing with a new memory of sorts, my csa will not be topic it will not be thrown out on the discussion table unless necessary. Only to work on the solutions to settling it. It was keeping me unwell. I know that healing the past is what I need to do but o believe that isn't necessarily done by staying in the shit memories and feelings. I don't believe i have to focus on it every session. I have plenty more going on and I'm glad to focus on my present day life as this is where I'm at now. Improving my quality of life, not destroying any serenity that comes about with reminding myself of how tortured and ashamed I am of my past. I can learn and grow from my experience. I can help others. I can reach out. I can live without using my past as an excuse. I can use it as a motivator to become who I am meant to be. Breaking free from the hold was not easy but I feel I have a good T, one who was not going to allow me to stay sick, who challenged me to live again. I want to come here and see others healing free from the daily torture. For others to have a daily reprieve just as I do.
  10. I struggle with that to. How am I supposed to forgive that.. Come on. I mean really .. I don't get it. Maybe I'm just not there yet. Yes I ponder these same thoughts, in my mind I understand forgiveness but when I put it in the context of csa or r or any sa it is not possible. It becomes confusing. The word just doesn't go with it. . I have brought it up with my t before. I don't remember much of what was said though.
  11. I struggle with that to. How am I supposed to forgive that.. Come on. I mean really .. I don't get it. Maybe I'm just not there yet. Yes I ponder these same thoughts, in my mind I understand forgiveness but when I put it in the context of csa or r or any sa it is not possible. It becomes confusing. The word just doesn't go with it. . I have brought it up with my t before. I don't remember much of what was said though.
  12. It's terrifying. It doesn't matter. It's still horrific. You did everything you could! You have some great friends who care about you. Sometimes people may be preoccupied but that's what happens in life. They don't always see what is going on around them. You got away. That doesn't mean it is less damaging or painful.
  13. Thank you lolli for seeing I'm worth it because so often I don't feel like I am. I did sleep. Ate some dinner at a friend's and went to a meeting. I feel better. I feel ok enough to go on to the next day. I just gotta Keep doing what I'm doing and I will get through this. I am so angry with what happened to me and how it has continued to impact my present day. I had a dream couple days ago and the last thing I remember before waking is someone saying don't allow what happened so long ago to control your life today. I like when my dreams are therapeutic. I'll keep keeping on.
  14. unpacking

    Had T session this morning. I decided I was not fit for a relationship so I broke it off with bf. Since doing that T asked me today if I was ready to start dealing with my csa. We talked about some of it. Not the acts itself but the details surrounding them. Like how many situations. Different places. Different faces. Some connected, other not. Street name. Places. Approximate age. Although it wasn't in-depth about specific abuse I still feel destroyed inside. I'm terrified. I know logically and rationally I am safe. I'm an adult. My body feels unsafe, feels scared, it aches. My stomach and my chest squeezed so tight. I try to ignore it because I feel pathetic for even feeling this way. I miss my T I don't feel like time was long enough. It went by so fast. I see T in a week. I'll get through this. I have to. I have a son to take care of. I just so badly want a day pass to meltdown and self destruct. One day. One hour. Something. I can't have it. I am responsible. I don't want to feel this. My brain keeps bringing me back to it. T asked if I wanted to come back in week. What I really want is to see her Friday as well. I don't feel ok. I hate these feelings. I feel so guarded right now that the thought of writing or drawing for a relief seems unattainable. I have picked my drawing book up a couple times attempting to draw and I end up putting it back down. I feel drained right now. Broken. I need sleep.
  15. Exactly she said you are probably going to get mad at me.. Then proceeded to push me and trigger me. I see the therapeutic value of it. I see what was done. I know through this there will be healing. I look to that light to get through the dark. In my hurt she is there. She is there and that means so much. She hasn't run from my perceived craziness. This is the first time I really recognized the push. I feel like we have gotten to the point where steps can be taken to process my csa. I am preparing to talk to her more about the details this upcoming tuesday. I realized after she said it that I've only ever said I was young and it was at a daycare. That is like the tip of the iceberg. I think I can maybe tell her age range next or something a little closer. I can't say the words like. Yes I was blank abused when I was 3 to 7 years old. I am trying. I think that is why she said the words over and over. Maybe exposure therapy of sorts. So if I can hear that I was I can someday say that I was. Idk I'm rambling