writer2010

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About writer2010

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Writing. Watching movies. Reading. Photography.
  1. Hard Time

    Been having a hard time. Just feel unhappy, confused and hurt. Want to buy this and that and make more money. I'm trying but I feel like crap when my mom says that I don't work. Wtf? So I guess my new part time job doesn't mean anything? Or the fact that I've been published a few times this summer? Yeah, sure some aren't paid but fauck I want to be a writer so I got to do what I got to do. Just frustrated since I work too hard to get comments like that. And I understand that my mom is hurting but Jesus did she forget that I loss my stepdad too? Maybe I'm mad too because my mom has to downgrade now that stepdad (her husband is gone). She wanted a house, but now has to move into a condo. She has been dealing with all the paperwork and whatnot. I feel like a failure in-between. Like I suck at everything I do. Just a lot on my mind and a lot to do. I am terrified financially. I am just frustrated for, yet again, not getting paid for two weeks. I get that you don't usually get paid the first week but ugh just annoyed and scared. I just want a break sometimes, but can't with realtor, who sold mom and stepdad this house, coming back this week to take pictures in order to put the house up for sale. Maybe it's because so much has happened from 05/15/16 until now--losing stepdad, losing best friend's little sister literally no more than 24 hours after stepdad's service, a potential romance with a friend from college--who've I liked forever--fizzling out fast, losing a friend (although we talk again, but I keep them at arms length), and my so called best friend/colleague basically distancing herself when it comes to what I'm going through (can you believe she told me just days after his death to just "put your pain into your work"). Yeah, so this just sucks. Like it can't get any worst, then it does.
  2. It's been harder since my stepdad's three month anniversary passing. A lot  of heartbreak had happened this summer. A lot of pain in such a short time. Wish I could focus on the positives and blessings; but all I think about is the pain from this summer. Fu** this summer.

    1. fairies

      fairies

      safe hugs to you if ok 

    2. Salemkitty

      Salemkitty

      (((((writer))))).  I hope it's ok to suggest something.  You see my daughter is a teacher and the kids she teaches love creativity.  They've also experienced pain in their young lives.  They're going to read a book about a character who has gone through pain too.  And a teacher I think suggests writing and expressing the pain.  Which brings me to my suggestion for you, which is the same.  Perhaps you remember Eric Clapton's song he wrote after his little son died?  Anyway, its of course your decision.  I'm just glad that you're back!  ~Salemkitty. :hug:

  3. Back on track

    I hope. Meeting with actor, who's still on board for mental health project. Might meet his actor son. Let's hope. Sent an email. Meeting with friend--wants me on board as co-writer for his play. Think it's paid. Either way, it's more exposure. Got paid for my PR writing gig. Got paid for my article publication. Not a whole lot. But I've been an officially paid writer for about three months now. I don't know. But I feel good. Today's the first time in a while where I feel GOOD. That things will be okay. That everything will be okay. That taking chances is worth it. We are worth it. Makes me think of the mental health project. Love it. Scared. Nervous. But I know that I need to push and push hard on this one. Just keep running and going no matter what. I'm feeling okay. More than okay. I just hope that I will never give up. Things had scared me for a bit with a recent loss; two job losses; losing my best friend's little sister; death all around; crush not interested or backing off (my grief got the best of me); a friend blocking and defriending me for only speaking the truth. Let's hope. I feel that things will get better now, hopefully with work, career and improving as an artist.
  4. Got a hate comment

    Ugh ironic too since last night I was praying how I don't want to get discouraged or give up since filmmaking has a lot of that. My children's/family film was released because I just want to move on and work on other stuff now. It got a comment from some random user, "Wow this was cringy AF." Made me feel bad, especially when I saw a dislike button. And I felt this sudden urge to take it down, but I feel that with other good responses it had received I just can't do that. Plus, it was my first big project and to just take it down would be a waste of time. Ugh I just hate it. I sort of, not gave up, but struggle to look at the film ever since I saw the memorial page for my stepdad before the credits. Like, it just sort of reminds me how he was part of the project, as well as the adult actor giving me crap for it too (the actor was very rude, in my taste, down talking a fourteen year old and then calling an early cut of the film horrible and basically telling everyone about it, from what it seemed like). So a lot of not so good feelings and memories with it.
  5. Update

    So I just came back from my college friend's little sister's service, and as difficult as it was...I actually feel better that I went. Mom came with me, and it was hard to see friend's little sister (open casket) because mom started to cry (she never met her/I did twice) because she though, "Poor thing. You're now with [my stepdad who passed about a month ago; friend's little sister passed ironically the day after my stepdad's service]. " But I think talking to my friends had helped. We all grouped hugged, and I think this week we are going to have a sleepover. Which actually made me feel better when my friend brought it up. I feel "good," like maybe tomorrow might be a new start/POV on stuff. Because these past--coming up on a month--few weeks have been so hard and I feel like a trainwreck. I guess I "realized" it this past Friday when I went out with my friend, who leaves to France tomorrow for a few weeks, and for super drunk and drunk dialed and texted and snapped my "friend" who I guess I **used** to have a fling with. Like every time we see each other, it becomes physical. So sort of like friends with benefits. I don't know if that's good or bad, because after Friday...I pretty much just told him to come over to hook up. So who knows what the hell I want. I had to laugh about it, especially since the next morning (well all day) I was super sick. But the night before, I cried for the first time in front of my, now, best friends since seeing my stepdad's truck, which is still parked in the driveway, just brought back a lot for me. Earlier that day, I had started it up (so battery won't die) and I sat in the car, and could just feel his presence. In fact, I cried most of the morning today because the house is so quiet, not that stepdad was ever "loud," but it just sucks since even the family cat is sad and is guarding me a bit (he never did that). So I was dreading, as mean as it sounds, my friend's little sister's service today. But I think going earlier has been helping me in some way. Maybe realizing that I do have other friends who are empathetic and want to lean on each other; because I didn't feel like that at all this past Sunday when I forced myself to a girl's day and although I had moments of laughter, I was relieved to go home a bit when it was over. Guess it's because I feel like their lives are all going "better," and mine hasn't. But the irony too--I got paid today for an upcoming article about therapy shaming from a gig. This is the second or third mental health work of mine that is getting published, all after my stepdad's death. Weird. Life is weird. It's so sad and short, which is why I think I've been struggling (expected--I know) but especially when it comes to, well for instance, this guy I like--telling him I feel about him. Maybe not the best when intoxicated, but as badly as I **possibly** screwed up, I am forcing myself to laugh about it. I finally see my T in two days, and she doesn't know of my friend's little sister dying, so will definitely need to try and process that too. Because she was only 12 years old, so unexpected like my stepdad's death was. I hope my article on stepdad gets released soon, especially with Father's Day this weekend. It would be nice to actually share that one online, something that was very healing to write (it took a few days to die down and write it, since I was too caught up in the anger and hatred towards my real dad). I shared it with my mom and one of my friends and they both liked it. I'm still scared, because sometimes I get that mindset of "shoot, who's next," but maybe this is going to help me in someway to be more...say it as it is. I just hope things work out, in terms of everything. I'm human so my mind has gone back and forth with my stepdad, friend and his little sister and his family, I guess the friend I like (Haven't heard from him since drunk dialing which was a lot and BAD, but I sent an apology text), to work and money and just mom being a widower now. A lot to process. I just want to be OK. I hope to self-care more since I've been running this cold still. I guess one day at a time for sure now, huh. I'll probably be taking a step back again from here, just until I find the words and hopefully make more progress.
  6. Need some pocket riders TW language

    We start filming in t-minus 11 hrs and, well, with everything going on I need some pocket riders for this shoot. Ironic too...a story about mental health and college students. So it's catching up with me--the two recent losses and I'm just wanting time to self, which seems impossible to do lately. Like my body is wanting to grieve, but I can't due to film projects and all. I have to write about this because it's too I don't want to say weird, but sad that I can officially relate to all three of the main characters' stories for this promo shoot tomorrow (trauma, anxiety, depression, grieving the death of a parent). Ironic...weird that the actor I'm trying to attach to the male leading role is someone who is going into two years with losing his mom to cancer. It's what, I think in my heart, got interest from his dad to meet with me so I could basically sell myself and why he, him, and now the other son should be a part of this project. So it seems like tables are turned now with me going through the stages of grief and I guess I just want to be strong but "the show must go on" in the film world. Doesn't help that I'm feeling a bit under the weather, and think that a lot has to do with stress and overwhelmed now that the funeral is over. Then with my best friend's little sister being gone, it's just been a shitty past few weeks with I guess "minor ups" from two of my shorts getting into a festival, making this promo tomorrow (as difficult as it is), reconnecting with a college friend who I've always liked and getting my children's story film back into post. Just need a breather. Hopefully this nap will help with everything, prep me for the shoot. Wish me luck! It's going to be emotional for me and a part of me doesn't want to crack or anything.
  7. Or the one who was never a real "dad" I hate you. I wish you were dead. For everything, and all of the pain that you've cost me. Seriously. Just die. I've grieved your death already. How can a socalled man treat his daughter like crap, yet not feel bad for it? What are you--a sociopath? No really, you must be for allowing the pain and your issues to be my burden. For what? Because a "child" had to tell you how much you drank and acted like a moron. Yeah...OK. Keep telling yourself that you're all innocent and how everything is "my problem." What am I--the socalled brainwashed, naive, stupid, and 'amateur writer,' that you call me. Go die. Burn in hell. I hope you feel like SHIT since losing my stepdad--good you should feel awful for jumping him in front of me as a child, and convincing me that he was this socalled "bad man" so I loss a lot of years of getting to know him because I believed YOU. I believed YOU that my stepdad, who should've been my real dad all along, was this "horrible/dangerous/and threat" to my mom and me. Fuck you. I hate you. I want to spit in your face. I want to punch you. I want to cause EVERY aspect of pain that you've cost me. Yet, you don't give a fuck. You still go around, proud that you "disowned" me! For what--for speaking the truth you two timing prick. I want to hurt myself. I want to SI and just think of you as I'm doing it. I want to so bad. These thoughts come like waves, where one minute I'm focused on work or something and then the next, I want I hurt myself. I'm so angry that stepdad is dead. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that he's gone forever, yet you're still here after all the drinking and health declines and probably burdening a black heart for all of your lies and abuse and manipulation. Fuck you. I hope you suffer! And I want to be sure that you do. I'm not perfect, but god damn it do I work very hard to break the stigmas how children of addicts and abusers are destined to carry the cycle. I work hard every day to prove to others and myself that I'm not going to be a fuck up like you. Fuck yourself. If I ever see you again, I'll punch you. I'll fuckin kill you if you ever try coming at me like you did the last time I saw you. You drunk. Loser. Low life. Die.
  8. Cracked last night

    TW (possible)-- Last night, during middle of the night, I woke up my mom because she heard me punching our work out machine. I was drunk and working out to blow off some steam--I guess sober up since the alcohol was making me cry. But I just got angry and beat the crap out of our bike work out system. Scared my cat, then I heard her calling me name twice and she walked out before I could calm down. But maybe it is good she saw me that pissed off. She was not mad or anything, because I thought she would be. Then I just told her how she had enough on her plate. Yet, I still spilled--telling her I don't understand and wish my "real" dad (one of my abusers and a drunk) was dead. She told me not to say that, until I told her that I've been thinking that for years since my grandpa had passed away (dad's dad had passed--you know one of those funerals where he put on the crocodile tears). She even sort of agreed with me. I just feel embarrassed right now, because she's been up and I think one of stepdad's friends or co-workers was here and overheard mom telling him, "It hit my daughter [me] last night really bad." So, I'm just not OK. I'm trying to be but I still want to punch my socalled real dad in the face. I'm even tempted to write him a letter or unblock his cell number and shoot over a text like, "I hope you live with guilt for punching stepdad years ago and never making amending. He was not perfect, but at least he saw me as one of his own. And would never hurt me like you repeatedly did for years! And then...you blame me or tell everyone how I'm a liar and so called brainwashed by your family. Wow. It's sad how you're just an idiot still alive because you should've been dead years ago from your drinking and acting like an idiot and getting yourself into trouble. I hate you. I wish you were dead since I've cried too many times over you. Please do yourself a favor and society and go drink yourself to death. You're a piece of sh** and an excuse for a human being. I hate you. And if you ever try to attack me again, I will not hesitate to hit you back you misognist abusive jealous low life." I'm just still angry. And it doesn't help that every day I'm waking up from my friend/co-producer sending me "hey did you do this or that for our photo shoot this weekend." Like I don't give a fu** about anything right now. I know I'm depressed, but T told me not to cancel anything and keep to my routine, including this thing on the weekend. But I'm not OK. The irony too, and told one of my friends who's playing the part in the short film of mine soon, is how the two out of three main characters in the script I wrote are people I can relate to (survivors of childhood trauma and SA; panic attacks; depression) and I was never able to relate to the guy character (the one I might get a name actor for) because he's grieving the death of his mom and has a history with depression and anxiety. But now...wow I can relate to him and frankly it's fuc*** up how that was one of the thoughts that came into my mind. The name actor even has depression in real life, so I've thought about reaching out to his dad (who've I met a few times) for I guess support or "hey how do you move on and still function when you don't want to at times." Irony is I might need someone to do what I did for the dad and somewhat family--cold email them with the story and chasing after them because I know they can relate to the themes and story of the script. I'm just not in the mood and might turn off my phone today so everyone who is doing better to me doesn't make me hate myself. My friend told me to stay off of FB and IG, but I can't help it. Maybe I should but I like hating on people right now, especially the stupid film people right now. Oh that too--lately I feel like films are stupid and everyone in it are morons. Ironic too since I was all "yeah make stuff," and now I'm just over it and could care less. Idk maybe I'll try getting back to writing, like my T told me last week in session. She says because I'm already writing, that's a great grief tool. But my laptop has been an idiot and won't download some stuff, so idk maybe. I'm just angry. And I want it to go away forever.
  9. Unfair

    So my two buddies just left; they were kind of enough to drive all the way here and take me out to get my mind off of stepdad's passing. Mom was hm with her BFF so I didn't feel bad leaving (as much--just know that she wasn't alone). But then I started crying once everyone left. This is the third night since it's just been her and I alone. House is way too quiet. Then it didn't help how I looked at every photo that mom put out since his passing of stepdad. It just seems unfair--seeing both of his adult children crying (especially his son) since his ashes came a few days early. Thank GOD I was home because ironically, I was supposed to go to a guy friend's (he's the one who kissed me on my bday--so guess we like each other) film shoot, but as soon as I was going to leave the mail man came with the ashes and it just sucked. This is just bullshit. T told me to embrace the grief and take care of myself, but I just feel very obligated to not leave the house unless someone is home with my mom. Mom says she feels bad for me staying with her, but I want to. It just seems weird. Like random that my stepdad's time was supposed to be--starting tomorrow--one week ago. I guess this passing is closer to home since I had been living with stepdad for almost three years since mom and him got married. Just fu**** up. You know because I still want my "real dad" (the abuser and addict) to be the dead one. I don't see why people like him, including my other abuser, get to survive and people like my stepdad, who yeah was not perfect, die. Why do assholes have to outlive everyone? Then I just been out of sync with all the writing and film projects and ugh seeing how "better" everyone is doing makes me want to get drunk and just relax and not dread it. It's been tough trying to get back to my routine. I don't know. Just shit. Just bullshit. I'm even being weird and selfish too because all I talk about with my friends I've seen since stepdad's death is how I want to be "comforted" by that guy "friend" so ugh. Even earlier with my two buddies, I was telling them how I might just sleep with this guy. Why? I don't know--guess it's because I want someone to hold me and take care of me and tell me that it will get better. Plus, is called him earlier too and told him but he seemed preoccupied and I don't know... It's a fuc*** up time reconnecting with him or whatever this might be--too be honest, I don't know. One of my friends, who met this guy, told me that it is shitty timing but happening all for a reason. Yeah for what--to get pampered and flirted with on my bday but then he backs out of asking me out, even though he said I would. I'm just sick of this. I just feel like a failure. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do these projects. Mom says our lives are on pause right now--time flies by, even though we feel that we haven't done much. I'm just lost. This sucks. I might just stay hm tomorrow. Or try and see my co-producers for the mental health film tomorrow night. Just lost.
  10. Not Okay (TW language)

    Fu** I just told my mom, who had called a few mins ago, that I'm think I'm depressed. Which is why I've been sleeping a lot--although, I do go to bed really late lately. But I think I'm. Since yesterday, I've been exhausted. It worried my mom, and I think even stepdad, when I went into my room and fell asleep. My mom looked real worried. Guess that's why she called today. I thought she was just overreacting, until this morning when my cat crying woke me up again. I've been VERY stressed out and fed up because *I apply every single day to writing openings on Craigslist (movie studios are a joke! I can't tell you how many times I apply and reapply and nothing!) *Its on and off--but I'm still sending the YA manuscript to agents and it's just exhausting and I'm sick of the rejections (around 155, out of 260ish) *Sending the NA two shorts stories, and some children's/MA short stories to open contests and gigs where they pay you. I'm just sick of this. I'm sick of feeling like a failure, because that's how I feel. I'm sick of waking up, only to rejections and no hear backs. I know my value--it's about time that I get paid because I have eight writing clips to show now. Plus, I did get paid last week from a mom and pop site where they're going to publish two of my articles; but, they take forever. So, I'm panicked because of the no income part. It has taken me years to say, but I DO deserve payment now more than ever for the writing side. I just cannot stomach the thought of taking some bs part time job because for "money." I flaked on two part time job interviews I had this week. Because all I thought was, "Why? So I can make minimum wage and basically be working in order to put gas into my car??" I've done that before and it's what burned me out. It just feels like everyone else's lives are going better--even the aholes--and I'm suffering from the writing rejections and even part time and full time rejections. I don't get it. I work too hard for what...?? Nothing. And I still have these fears of not being strong enough for the feature. I did a rewrite on Sunday and on my way to seeing some friends, I started crying. T and I spoke about this last time--how I've noticed this is the second story of mine where it IS my own in many ways (this one is about recovery from mental health and trauma--three main characters are all learning to overcome their own pain). So it made me bring up my fears of not "being strong enough" to tackle on a story like this, as well as direct it since one of the actors that I'll hopefully get to work with on this battles with depression, after the death of his mom. I think that's why his dad is pushing him to work on this--and his other son as well. So, I'm afraid of becoming a hypriocate, as I told my T: don't want to give the false impression that I'm "healed." That's when my T told me, "Part of healing is sometimes helping others. And as for working with someone who is still new in recovery, just make sure that he's in therapy during shoot." Also, and I've been afraid of admitting this, but I feel like my co-producer on the feature is not being sympathies and she should. It takes years for someone to tackle on a thoughy area and my god it's annoying af when she's like, "I'm giving myself credit for this," and when I'm unable to meet sometimes because lately I've been under pressure with the no income/paid job and parents getting on my case--did I tell you that my stepdad said my writing was "sinking" which made me scream, "Why do you think I'm in therapy?! Because I'm freaking out all the time." Then I feel like crap since in earlier's phone call too, my told me that there's a part time job application on the table for some nearby sandwich shop. Which of course got me all upset and made me feel guilty more than ever. I'm unhappy a lot living so far from LA, where I'm going to constantly (which is tiring) for projects and just because everything it that way too for me. Also, I'm confused more than ever with this guy I like. Sounds dumb to be complaining about at 23 (24 next week--and freaking out), but I have no idea what his deal is, since he seems interested and all. So just one of those, "Yet AGAIN, I put myself out there and get shut down or freak out the guy somehow. Perfect." Plus I've never had anything serious and find myself making up excuses from blaming my parents, especially dad, with having no weekends growing up because it had to be spent with an alcoholic, who even cursed me out when a few times I wanted to spend time with friends. So, I'm still the "selfish" one. I'll never get it; why aholes don't get to feel pain and frustration, in terms of being human, because they should all die in my opinion. Then I've been all messed up since my friend--one of them I saw this past weekend--tried to lecture me to talk to my dad. Wtf?! First off, he doesn't know the story and secondly...wtf?! I spoke up and said, "Going to have to stop you there, because you don't know the story and how his drinking affected a lot of stuff and created a toxic and unhealthy and very stressful environment." That shut him up, and I'm surprised I ever told him about the abuse part. But, of course (and this is a second guy friend who's said this) he then said, "Oh well I just worry because of your payment and issues with men, because I know you're having issues with his your guy [that dude I like]." Why do people feel entitled to give advice because of age?? No, I didn't ask for it so stfu!
  11. Gah!

    I just hope this editorial payment comes in this week. I am so SICK and overwhelmed with not getting paid and I work my a** off 24/7. Jesus, I do not even take breaks anymore because it always comes down to, "Shoot, you need to be hustlin." So, this week: Tomorrow, as mad as I am but whatever maybe I can apply for a more flexible position, I have an interview for retail. Vomit! This is just annoying af and depressing since I have a damn degree and clips for writing...but it is STILL NOT ENOUGH. -_- Then the following day - I have a stupid interview for UPS...nothing against it, but again it all comes down to, "But I need to spend all of my energy into writing and films." Which brings me to... My children's/family short film - ugh now I have to make tweaks again since the editor just screwed up certain parts when I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM what parts to edit and NOT edit. People just don't listen... So, I am DETERMINED af to get it out by June (looking at it as a summer film) OR WORST CASE Scenario, it will be a back to school film. That is something I had to learn--just allow yourself more time because you are human and do not want to get yourself sick. Although, I do feel sick now. I woke up, wanting to puke and my tummy hurts from late night eating (was up all night working on agent submissions and contest submission and publication submission, while wanting to *sorry to be graphic* cry my eyes out and hit my head against the wall). I am SO SICK and FED UP for feeling so damn helpless with NO INCOME, now officially, a year. But, I know--I CHOSE to quit my stupid per diem job, which I drove anywhere from 20-30 miles weekly during rush hour for $10h....yeah, I realized how much gas I was wasting. Then, I went out this past Friday (friend had ordered me an Uber because my tire was flat, when I specifically told them that YES it is undriveable) and I got a lecture from my mom and stepdad, who just lost it and how my writing/creative stuff was "sinking," which made me stifle back from crying and locking myself up in my room to just sulk. Really? So my writing is "sulking" even thought I have had FIVE PUBLICATIONS since January and will officially become a paid writer for a website...so I guess no matter what I do, I just "fail" in their eyes. My friend, the one who had called Uber, told me to just ignore them and that my stepdad--according to her--should NOT be talking to me like that because of the obvious...he is NOT my real dad (real dad is an abusive dead beat drunk and idiot so I cut ties with him a few years ago). I don't get it...does God want me to keep stressing out and suffering like this? Trust ME, I do LOVE the creative side and know that my little heart and soul is IN IT FOR THE LONG RUN with writing and films (although I HATE the aholes in the film/tv world due to narcissism). What keeps me going is my stubborn a** for pushing and dragging myself forward NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT TO QUIT and stop and just take the easy way out. I won't allow myself to do that. I feel, and this has TAKEN ME YEARS TO GIVE MYSELF CREDIT FOR, that I do have the passion and hardworking and I suppose talent for making the "dreams" into reality. Fu** I enjoy writing the children's stories now and have been FIGHTING to get more stories out there, whether on the web or magazine, and I have been FIGHTING TO get these film projects going and going out there, no matter how sh**** they are. I am just sick of the no payment because I have paid my dues so I "promoted myself" to only accept paid work, unless it is nonprofit groups then that is something I am okay with because I am passionate about the mental health awareness groups and anything that deals with the self-care and take care of yourself. I do not know what to do too--also this past weekend, I realized how much I still "people please," like wanting the social life and career life to be all perfect when one will always do better than the other. Because my friend--uber girl--had sent me a text the other day, lecturing me how I need to be on time and commit to things. So I asked, WTF you were fine the other day. Long story short, her friend who supposedly likes me was telling her how I flaked on some screening (I did not because parking sucked and after driving around for more than an hour...of course I had to check out and I texted him that but never heard from him, so assumed he did not go--another friend had invited me and I saw him and felt the need to apologized to him, but he told me the fact that I drove 30 miles to see him, in rush hour, was his proof that I tried and cared and not flaking out). So, it was just annoying like hell because I was going to see my niece, who I barely see often due to life, and ugh... How the hell am I supposed to juggle all of this? I NEED THE HELP, and my T says that I just need to keep doing what I want to; but, I am feeling more of the "I should NOT work this hard to not hear back from people or even get offered UNPAID SPOT?!" Also, boy troubles (sort of). I still like this colleague of mine and yesterday I was all upset about it, confused what the hell went wrong and CONFUSED AS HELL what his deal is. I don't know if I screwed up that time we were supposed to grab coffee because, yet again due to living so fu**** far from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, I had a business meeting--invite to a play from an actor whom I am trying to lock in for my feature film, so I was unsure if it was going to be business there or afterward... I like this guy but I do not want to chase, which I seem to be doing more of now. He made the effort before, but I get it too on his part--his schedule is whatever his clients' are and I do see his main client flying all over the world for film promotions and filming. So, I am conflicted to "bug him," although he always responds to me, after my guy friend told me to just ask the dude out to coffee (basically telling him "I am out your way, so I am available for coffee") since society is STUPID on the whole, "Don't let a guy know that you like him, but do but not too much so you're too available." Stupid. Stupid. Just disappointed how everything seems to be in the sh**hole and tired of it, both professionally and personal life.
  12. Thank you
  13. Don't know which one is worst

    Mom told me that stepdad said he's been unhappy the other night (came hm late last night and he was asleep in his car for a bit--mom said they had a big argument earlier while I was out). Kind of brought back a lot for me--when I had bad anxiety in college, I got acute depression and slept a lot; stepdad sleeps a lot. Then mom said that she's having dinner with my abuser--one of them, the one who SA. Not surprised since it is her son. I don't consider my socalled brother my brother; he's always been abusive. Confronted him and he lives in denial like dad, who's an addict and abused me too. Yet, I'm the "liar/crazy one." So just a wave of pain and sadness I suppose took over me. Like the thoughts that all this abuse and crap happened to me. Nobody should ever go through it. And it doesn't help that I'm doing rewrites on two scripts that deal with all of this. Just a lot. T told me not to worry or, as she puts it a lot, overthink things since writing is healing and good for me. In fact, she encourages it more. And my cat keeps crying nonstop because of stepdad being upset and stressed out lately :/
  14. Finally getting paid

    It's official! I'm getting paid finally for freelance writing! This has been a hard journey but here's to this year with the writing and filmmaking and hopefully advancing and honing the craft. I just need to stay focused.
  15. Feels good

    Just wrapped up another rewrite draft with my feature script. Yay! It has been a long four weeks (wow, been a while since it took me a bit longer for a draft), but I hope the next one...rewrite...is the ONE. Well, at least the one to start showing around. Phew. Cool too since tomorrow I'm supposed to go out and celebrate a friend's birthday and a few other friends said they would go too. Double YAY! Just trying to be hopeful. Been realizing how I've been letting my past--the abusers and idiots--ruin me. I was never "ruined" because I've always been pushing forward with, what my abusers once called me, "amateur/didn't know what I was doing/shitty/sucky/liar," etc. I know that I was put here to voice my story and I do believe it is with storytelling. I am not the best writer or filmmaker, but dammit I sure as hell work hard and love it.