My therapist was away for about 4 weeks. I hate it when she goes away. I struggle a lot with feeling like she has abandoned me and then I eventually find this place where I am able to function without her and go about my day to day. The same cycle happened, though the low was very very low and I didn't feel safe in myself but I got through it. Then that level of calm comes and everything feels better than normal. I'm not entirely sure if it is because I push the vulnerability away and put on my hard exterior and just get on with things but it also feels safer inside. This is all well and good while she is away, it helps me cope without her support, though she is still available via email and txt. It is when she gets back that I struggle all over again. It then becomes about trusting that she is going to stick around again and trying to get back into the process of talking and trying to open up those old wounds all over again. Every. single. time. this happens it gets so much harder to remember why I am doing it. Why am I having to allow these feelings of insecurity and go through all this crap? I have seen her twice since she got back and it has been a battle. A battle to trust, to feel safe with her again, to feel that she isn't going to just bail on me when things get too hard or when I ask too much of her. That she isn't going to run off when I get too much or do or don't do what I am suppose to. We battled with quite a lot of this the last two sessions and I just wasn't able to figure out why I was still feeling so unsafe and so emotionally withdrawn. I was able to talk through stuff but there was no relief as I wasn't really emotionally present in the sessions. I was still in protective mode and shut down. I saw her yesterday morning and there was so much disquiet for the rest of the day. I journalled a lot of these emotions and still was unable to figure out what the problem was. I ended up emailing her again and trying to work through it with her and it wasn't until she replied to one of my messages that maybe this is just a space you are in at this time. We will just have to work through it together as scary as that sounds. - Work through it together. That was all it took to calm me and allow that fear to settle. She was still willing to work with me. In our exchanges she had noted that my trusting her and being able to communicate specific information has always been hard but we both keep working and we both keep moving forward, even if that forward movement is only a millimetre at a time. I thought I was not holding back as much as it seems I have. I have always been independent but I am learning more about myself as we progress. I guess that is progress, being able to see what it is I need and learning to ask for it. The asking part is a whole other step but forward movement is forward movement. We have been seeing each other for almost a year and I am still struggling with the trust aspect. It feels like this will never get any easier. How do we learn to trust when we have had every aspect of our trust in others destroyed in abuse?
Up until 12 months ago I thought my life was a little disconnected but nothing unusual. My parents did the best they were capable of and yet I was a loner who either gave too much to people or not enough. I always seemed to remain on the fringe of friendship groups and move around during the term, keeping everyone at arms length. We moved around a lot due to my step-dad's employment and I always blamed that for my fear of intimacy. At the age of 19 I had what I though was a very awkward first sexual experience, with my best friends Dad. I put away in the box of never doing that again. Then last year his younger daughter made SA claims against her father. My friend contacted me about this and asked if anything had happened with her dad and I. This then started the proceedings of being contacted by the police and formal statements being made and having to admit to myself that the event was actually non-consensual sex. I started counselling around this time, trying to finally deal with the reality I had long pushed away. In trying to understand why I only lay there when he was on me and didn't object either physically or vocally it brought forth memories from my childhood of when I was trained to do this and how I was punished for any form of objection. My birth father, grandfather and many other men & women during the first 6 years of my life had used and abused me. Rape was just another part of my life story. I thought this was going to be difficult enough to deal with but it seems it isn't all. I am now recovering memories of 10/11 years old. I am still quite disconnected from all of the experiences, seeing them in my mind and feeling them in my body but the emotional aspect is still removed. I am ever so grateful for that. The core belief's that I am discovering along the way are what is really making it hard to step forward in this process. I am finding myself getting stuck and movement, and even the willingness and belief I am able to, is very very slow. I hate having to just wait for things to happen and to just be okay with the pace I need etc. I want to be doing and fixing and working so that I can get it over with. I want to be able to shake myself and just tell myself to get over it already. I want to yell and scream at God in all this but I struggle with experiencing anger as a safe emotion. So, anyway. I have made a start. I have written a very abbreviated version of my history as I know it. Many pieces put together to somehow build up a picture of who I am. It hurts to not know who you are, to feel that you are somehow lost in all that happened to you, all these people did to you. Sometimes I see myself as abused and used and it is hard to look beyond what takes up my whole focus most days. I am trying really hard to discover who I really am beyond these painful fragments. The greater picture is beautiful I am told, I just need to find out how to see it.