SarahB

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About SarahB

  • Birthday 05/14/1991

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQwr7tM3QzfGNvt-V0xjPrg

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Brantford, Canada
  • Interests
    reading, writing, photography, film, tv, walking, music, school
  1. I am...

    I am not a skinny twig and no I don’t wear designer clothes and I don’t have a fancy car. I don’t come from a family, which has money, and I pay for school myself. I am not one of the popular people and I am extremely shy. I can’t dance, and I can’t sing as much as I wish I could. Outside of photography and mediocre writing skills my level of talent is 0. I am teaching myself to play the electric bass and music wise I listen to everything from hard rock to classical. I am no beauty queen and I have few close friends, but those that I do have are the best one could ever ask for. Looking at me one would see a short, chubby 21 year old who chooses to sit at the back of the room to avoid being asked to speak in class because it terrifies her. A nerd who is constantly reading; whether be it for school or it being fan fiction. I watch The Big Bang Theory, Doctor Who, and Sherlock and I am an Avengers nut. I have never dated and never been kissed.I am not Goth, punk nor a Satanist. What I am is a rape survivor, a fan of Marilyn Manson and Ozzy Osbourne, along with many others. I am a daughter and a film student. I am friendly and caring and I have a passion for writing and photography and I am in love with one of my friends. I am a supporter of the LGBT community and proud to say so. Most of all I am ME and if you don’t like me well then oh well that’s your loss. I love who I am and that’s all that matters. I couldn’t care less about what others think.
  2. Life Support

    So I decided that I wanted to help others in my situation so I started another blog on wordpress, specifically for that reason. I also made sure to include a shout out to Pandys I am posting my first entry here as well, and I was hoping for opinions. One of the reasons I'm doing this is because I think that it would help me too. Anyway here it is and I must warn you, it does include the first blog entry I had here, explaining what happened to me and so it may be a trigger. I just wanted to give you a heads up. There’s only us There’s only this Forget regret Or life is yours to miss No Other Road No Other Way No Day But Today The above lyrics, and the title of this post for that matter comes from one of my favourite musicals of all time. I am starting with this because it is highly relative to my life. No, unlike the characters in the musical, I don’t have AIDs, I don’t know anyone who has AIDs but for me the song means so much more. This song could be used for anyone who is going through a trying time. Now I have told very few people about happened to me in the past. Only the people closest to me know the details however I now want to help those who have gone through a similar situation and the only way that I can do that is by sharing my story. However I want to give you a little bit of my history. I grew up in Brantford, Ontario, which is about an hour and a half to two hours away from Toronto and about the same distance away form London, Ontario with Brantford being almost smack dab in the middle. I lived for my whole life with my parents, and then as of June 2006 my grandmother moved in with us. I always had a happy childhood. Even if my parents weren’t sure if they could afford it they always tried to make sure that I had what I needed, and if they could, what I wanted. I must say they have done a very good job. I was the typical kid, running and playing with my friends and then we got out first computer that actually was connected to the internet and I became hooked. Now I probably spend more time online than I should but when you have nothing else to do why not? Anyway back to my history. I have several cousins who I am very close to, I actually call them my brothers and sisters. I also have my best friend of 17 years who I refer to as my sister. In September of 2010 I began my first year of university, thinking that I was going to end in MTP (media theory and production), well it just wasn’t for me. I switched in the film department and am now entering my third year of film studies before I head off to college. Eventually I would like to find myself working behind the scenes for WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) in the editing or production department. Now what follows is sensitive in nature, and should you happen to be a victim of sexual abuse it may trigger flashbacks so please, be cautious when reading. I had originally posted this on a blog that I have on another website called Pandys. I highly suggest that you visit this site as a survivor or even a secondary survivor. On with my story. I am a 21 year old film student just trying to get through life. Writing and photography are hobbies of mine and so anyone who actually reads this will probably see a lot of one or both. I’m actually fairly hesitant to post here, mainly because before yesterday I didn’t think I needed to. Before yesterday I had known that from the age of 4 until I was 6, my 16 year old cousin had been sexually abusing me, or assaulting me, I’m not really sure which category it falls under seeing as he was forcing oral sex on me. I have long accepted what he did in that respect and have learned to live with it to the point that it doesn’t really bother me that much, although the self-esteem issues are still there. He spent all of 3 months in jail and was put on the sex offender list, he was told he wasn’t allowed around children under the age of 16 without their parent present (which has now apparently been lifted) On May 27th however my other cousin (his sister, and a pathological liar) claimed that her mother was too high and allowed her to be raped in a field by not protecting her. Now we’re not denying that she was raped, we know about that, but her mother was not doing drugs at the time. Now this wasn’t the end of the conversation. My mother informed me that my cousin not only forced me to perform oral but he also raped me. So here I am 15 years later just learning this information. I don’t remember this happening and quite frankly I think I was better off not knowing. Right now I am extremely confused. Not because it happened because it really doesn’t surprise me all that much, which in itself bothers me. I’m confused at what I’m feeling. I know I should be angry, frustrated, and probably hysterical, but I’m not. When I looked at my mother I literally said “Well, I don’t remember it so in my mind it didn’t happen, what’s in the past is just that, the past.” This does make some sense though. I am very hesitant to trust people, specifically men and I have been known to be extremely uncomfortable around them. I hate crowds, I have very little confidence and am shy in general. I’m not sure if that is exactly a result of what he has done or if I should be feeling like I am, which is surprisingly calm and not upset like I feel I should be. ***Be sure to check out Pandys at http://pandys.org/forums/*** Here is a link to my word press blog if you are interested. Wordpress
  3. Life Support

    So I decided that I wanted to help others in my situation so I started another blog on wordpress, specifically for that reason. I also made sure to include a shout out to Pandys I am posting my first entry here as well, and I was hoping for opinions. One of the reasons I'm doing this is because I think that it would help me too. Anyway here it is and I must warn you, it does include the first blog entry I had here, explaining what happened to me and so it may be a trigger. I just wanted to give you a heads up. There’s only us There’s only this Forget regret Or life is yours to miss No Other Road No Other Way No Day But Today The above lyrics, and the title of this post for that matter comes from one of my favourite musicals of all time. I am starting with this because it is highly relative to my life. No, unlike the characters in the musical, I don’t have AIDs, I don’t know anyone who has AIDs but for me the song means so much more. This song could be used for anyone who is going through a trying time. Now I have told very few people about happened to me in the past. Only the people closest to me know the details however I now want to help those who have gone through a similar situation and the only way that I can do that is by sharing my story. However I want to give you a little bit of my history. I grew up in Brantford, Ontario, which is about an hour and a half to two hours away from Toronto and about the same distance away form London, Ontario with Brantford being almost smack dab in the middle. I lived for my whole life with my parents, and then as of June 2006 my grandmother moved in with us. I always had a happy childhood. Even if my parents weren’t sure if they could afford it they always tried to make sure that I had what I needed, and if they could, what I wanted. I must say they have done a very good job. I was the typical kid, running and playing with my friends and then we got out first computer that actually was connected to the internet and I became hooked. Now I probably spend more time online than I should but when you have nothing else to do why not? Anyway back to my history. I have several cousins who I am very close to, I actually call them my brothers and sisters. I also have my best friend of 17 years who I refer to as my sister. In September of 2010 I began my first year of university, thinking that I was going to end in MTP (media theory and production), well it just wasn’t for me. I switched in the film department and am now entering my third year of film studies before I head off to college. Eventually I would like to find myself working behind the scenes for WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) in the editing or production department. Now what follows is sensitive in nature, and should you happen to be a victim of sexual abuse it may trigger flashbacks so please, be cautious when reading. I had originally posted this on a blog that I have on another website called Pandys. I highly suggest that you visit this site as a survivor or even a secondary survivor. On with my story. I am a 21 year old film student just trying to get through life. Writing and photography are hobbies of mine and so anyone who actually reads this will probably see a lot of one or both. I’m actually fairly hesitant to post here, mainly because before yesterday I didn’t think I needed to. Before yesterday I had known that from the age of 4 until I was 6, my 16 year old cousin had been sexually abusing me, or assaulting me, I’m not really sure which category it falls under seeing as he was forcing oral sex on me. I have long accepted what he did in that respect and have learned to live with it to the point that it doesn’t really bother me that much, although the self-esteem issues are still there. He spent all of 3 months in jail and was put on the sex offender list, he was told he wasn’t allowed around children under the age of 16 without their parent present (which has now apparently been lifted) On May 27th however my other cousin (his sister, and a pathological liar) claimed that her mother was too high and allowed her to be raped in a field by not protecting her. Now we’re not denying that she was raped, we know about that, but her mother was not doing drugs at the time. Now this wasn’t the end of the conversation. My mother informed me that my cousin not only forced me to perform oral but he also raped me. So here I am 15 years later just learning this information. I don’t remember this happening and quite frankly I think I was better off not knowing. Right now I am extremely confused. Not because it happened because it really doesn’t surprise me all that much, which in itself bothers me. I’m confused at what I’m feeling. I know I should be angry, frustrated, and probably hysterical, but I’m not. When I looked at my mother I literally said “Well, I don’t remember it so in my mind it didn’t happen, what’s in the past is just that, the past.” This does make some sense though. I am very hesitant to trust people, specifically men and I have been known to be extremely uncomfortable around them. I hate crowds, I have very little confidence and am shy in general. I’m not sure if that is exactly a result of what he has done or if I should be feeling like I am, which is surprisingly calm and not upset like I feel I should be. ***Be sure to check out Pandys at http://pandys.org/forums/*** Here is a link to my word press blog if you are interested. Wordpress
  4. Colorado

    Life can change in an instant, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. It is unfortunate that tonight I write about the worst. I would like to start with a quote. Harriet Beecher Stowe said, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” What truth this has. As I write this tonight, exactly 24 hours after the largest massacre in United State’s history. I may not be American but this has hit me hard. At 4:27 am I was just getting ready for bed, after watching a movie and losing track of time. Just as I was getting into bed my cellphone vibrated, alerting me of a text. This was an alert from Twitter, specifically from AM980News, a local radio station from London, Ontario. The message said “BREAKING: as many as 10 people have been shot and killed at a ‘Dark Knight Rises’ film premiere in Aurora, Colorado – Reuters.” My first thought was “Oh my God, how could somebody do this?” My second thought was about those who were killed. I briefly wondered if there had been any film stars present as for some reason I thought this was a red carpet event, not that this matters, either way what occurred was horrible, something that should not have to be lived through. I found it hard to sleep after that, questioning just what was happening. Reports continued to flood in on my phone but everywhere that I looked online I could not find any information, CNN hadn’t had anything posted, Fox, Yahoo and other sites gave no information either. It wasn’t until I woke in the morning that I learned the extent of what happened, with 12 people losing their lives for a senseless act of violence. My heart hurts today for the family and loved ones of the 12 who have perished as well as those men, women, and children who bared witness to this horrific act. No one should have to live, or experience something such as this. I wish to express my deepest sympathies for those who have fallen victim to this sick individual. Not only are those who were wounded/killed are the victims, but the witnesses are as well. I can only imagine the amount of therapy that those who were present will need. I call this man a sick individual because that is exactly what he is, I do not believe that he was sick in the mentally, and he sure as hell didn’t have the flu. I’m not quite sure how to word what it is that I am trying to say here other than the fact that he is a sick man. Not even a man, he is scum, less than scum, I don’t have a word for what he is. As a film student this leaves me more distressed than ever, one of the few places that I call a safe haven has now been invaded and now I only see tragedy when I think of the theatre. I want to end with another quote, spoken by Christopher Nolan himself about this tragedy. “The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me. 
” Ps: I wrote this last night with no intention to post it, I have however decided that I needed to.
  5. Lonely

    So it’s been a while since my last entry and I’ve really been meaning to add another one and now seems like the perfect time. In my last post I explained everything that happened to me with the exception of the court proceedings and such but I am saving that for the forum itself. The purpose of this entry is simple; I need to get my feelings out there…badly. Lately I’ve been feeling really down, I don’t know if its actual depression but I’m not sleeping very well (I go to bed at 4-5am and don’t get up until 1-2pm because I can’t sleep), I seem to be getting snippy with everyone, or at least that’s what my mom says but I don’t feel like I am. The littlest things have started to annoy me, such as when my grandmother licks her fingers after eating; it drives me nuts! But the main thing is that I feel completely alone. To be honest I’ve felt alone for years. In elementary school I had a close group of friends, about 5-7 people and we all hung out with each other or at least I knew I could hang with one of them at any time. Then I got to high school and we all drifted apart with the exception of the one who has been my best friend for 17 years (I tend to refer to her as my sister). I ended up with another group of friends, again there were about 7 of us. However I was always the outcast of the group. They would go to the movies, I would hear about it the next day. They would have a birthday party (or just a party for the heck of it) and I would find out Monday. I ended up breaking off from the group at about grade 10 and would spend my spare time such as free period or lunch, wandering around the school alone unless I somehow managed to find my sister if she wasn’t in class. Thankfully I still had her, until grade 12. Her boyfriend at the time was highly controlling and abusive. He eventually isolated her and I lost contact for 2 years (thankfully we’ve gotten right back into the swing of things as of last December). I started university in 2010 and was more than a little excited because finally I could branch off, start new and hopefully come out with a boyfriend. Well, my first year I lived in the dorms and unfortunately had the roommate from hell (pardon my language), this girl changed her tampon in the bedroom, chewed with her mouth open and would do homework at 3am the night before they would be due, thus keeping me up all night. I did manage to make a few friends, one of which lived on my floor and in order to fight my shyness I joined my residence council, which actually didn’t help me out at all. I never went to parties, with the exception of one and I pretty much stayed in my room when I wasn’t in class. This is something I would do in high school as well, if I didn’t have to be in school I was holed up in my room away from everyone. So first year ended with a few more friends, only a few of which have stayed in contact, no boyfriend and a crappy average due to one class bringing me down. That summer I actually flew out to Georgia to see my best friend who I had talked to online every day for nearly ten years, she was the one person who I could tell everything even though I hadn’t met her yet and when we discovered Skype it was even better. The 19 days I spent with her and her family were the happiest days I’ve had in a very long time. While there we drove to Tennessee to visit one of our other friends for 3 days and quite literally had a blast. Then I had to go home and things just went downhill from there. Second year began and then I was living with my friend from the dorms as well as two other girls who we didn’t know but had apparently matched our profile quiz done by apartment staff. The one was horrible. She came from money and mommy and daddy paid for everything, including her alcohol (her parents would actually drink with her when visiting). The other was okay, as long as she wasn’t around the first one. They both drank nightly and I actually timed them once and they drank from 11am until 5am the next day, even taking the booze to class with them. They were inconsiderate hypocrites (I could not leave a pot out over night to soak but they could leave one for days.) and they took over the living room. They intimidated me to the point where I locked myself in my room, only coming out to cook (I would eat in my room) and to go to class, eventually I started to just eat out because I couldn’t even stand to cook with them home. I guess I’m not quite at the loneliness part of things yet, other than the obvious holed up in my bedroom thing. Everywhere I go I see people in relationships. A lot of the people I knew from high school are either parents, dating someone, engaged OR as I discovered last night married (Congratulations to Mei and her new husband). Seeing this last night really brought me down because it seems like everyone is happy but me. Three of my friends are in stable relationships with kids, more than half are dating/engaged, including my sister and my uncles. It’s getting to be downright depressing; I am 21 years old and can’t help but think, “What is so wrong with me that I can’t even get a date?” I frequently wonder if men can see right through me and know what happened, I know that logically they can’t but it’s always in the back of my mind. I am just so sick of being alone, I know that I have to get out there to meet people but everyone I would hang out with either lives out of town or works so they never have the time and I hate going out alone, I get all nervous and anxious. I frequently wonder if I’m going to be alone forever and I don’t want to be alone, I want to be happy.
  6. Why I'm Here

    Hey there, so this is actually my first time blogging so this could actually get fairly interesting, I am a 21 year old film student just trying to get through life. Writing and photography are hobbies of mine and so anyone who actually reads this will probably see a lot of one or both. I'm actually fairly hesitant to post here, mainly because before yesterday I didn't think I needed to. Before yesterday I had known that from the age of 4 until I was 6, my 16 year old cousin had been sexually abusing me, or assaulting me, I'm not really sure which category it falls under seeing as he was forcing oral sex on me. I have long accepted what he did in that respect and have learned to live with it to the point that it doesn't really bother me that much, although the self-esteem issues are still there. He spent all of 3 months in jail and was put on the sex offender list, he was told he wasn't allowed around children under the age of 16 without their parent present (which has now apparently been lifted) Yesterday however my other cousin (his sister, and a pathological liar) claimed that her mother was too high and allowed her to be raped in a field by not protecting her. Now we're not denying that she was raped, we know about that, but her mother was not doing drugs at the time. Now this wasn't the end of the conversation. My mother informed me that my cousin not only forced me to perform oral but he also anally raped me. So here I am 15 years later just learning this information. I don't remember this happening and quite frankly I think I was better off not knowing. Right now I am extremely confused. Not because it happened because it really doesn't surprise me all that much, which in itself bothers me. I'm confused at what I'm feeling. I know I should be angry, frustrated, and probably hysterical, but I'm not. When I looked at my mother I literally said "Well, I don't remember it so in my mind it didn't happen, what's in the past is just that, the past." This does make some sense though. I am very hesitant to trust people, specifically men and I have been known to be extremely uncomfortable around them. I hate crowds, I have very little confidence and am shy in general. I'm not sure if that is exactly a result of what he has done or if I should be feeling like I am, which is surprisingly calm and not upset like I feel I should be. Is this normal? And this is why I'm here.