ravel

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About ravel

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor

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  1. hi (((Rev))) how are you doing? (awesome avatar)

    1. Revolution

      Revolution

      Hi Ravel! I'm happy to hear from you :) I'm doing okay, I've been redecorating on my apartment while Pandys has been out so its been a good distraction in a way, though a rather expensive one. I missed Pandys, and my dear friends here like you. How have you been?   

  2. sending comfort and compassion to anyone who needs it

  3. sending you hugs and comfort, hope youre ok?

    1. fairies

      fairies

      I am ok thanks ravel jst sort of down and very very veryt ired

       

    2. ravel

      ravel

      sending strength and support

  4. thanks again, Susanna! (i did get to read your reply and appreciated it)
  5. yes, to all of this. crying for you now
  6. thank you for your kind words and for holding my hand, Susanna! very much needed and appreciated. i guess the underlying fear is that if others can point out ive been wrong before they can claim that im wrong about the abuse. and im still not strong enough to hande that.
  7. thank you fairies! it helps to know you understand, although im sorry you feel that way too. safe hugs to you
  8. failed

    i have failed. i dont know. i think i tried to take care of myself, try to stop worrying over everything and try to trust that things will work out. it resulted in two irreparable damages. so, now i have three (with an older one) things to prove that im not capable of dealing with life. if i try and feel compassion with myself i can see im a little girl who breaks down every time shes forced to take adult responsibility. everyone who looks at me see how capable i am in their standards. analysing, assessing, predicting outcomes and finding solutions. all of that should make me able to make desicions and take responsibility. i am convinced that my credibility relies solely on getting it right. if i dont ive proved that you cant trust anything i do or say and anyone can discredit or disregard me with no effort by pointing out how wrong i get it. i can be blamed for everything and ill have no way of protecting myself, no way to defend myself. im powerless, so very literally powerless. and hyper vigilance kicks in when i type this. i betrayed myself by silencing the song of my heart. my biggest failure, irreparable.
  9. i think it sound huge, all of it, and especially recognizing the toxc of your mom and setting firm boundaries for yourself in getting that toxic out of your house.
  10. i feel sad for little Susanna and you, too its painful when you make that connection, sitting with you
  11. thank you, all of you <3
  12. crying

    im just crying and crying now and its so hard to be alone in this. i just want someone sitting with me or holding my hand and someone to take care of the problems i cant solve by myself because they feel compassion for me because they realise i really cant cope doing it by myself. i lose everything bit by bit because its the only way i can manage. nothing that feels meaningful anymore, hardly any friends left, no distractions left. hardly any internet which is my last connecton to the outside world. just alone with myself and i cant handle it, i cant handle being me. and people being kind and i cant handle it, it makes me cry and the pain is unbearable
  13. children learn by watching and imitating. your children see a mother working hard on growing and healing, a mother findng tools to handle extremely dfficult stuations in life, a mother who is fully commited to learning and honoring her own truth. this is what you are giving them, its as far as "being on hold" as it gets.