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About alwayswondering

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  1. 10 Good Things, October 7

    1. I feel so much love 2. Cuddling my dog 3. Therapy went well 4. Iced caramel latte 5. Feeling more driven 6. Diffuser 7. Going to bed earlier 8. Survivor 9. I bounced back quickly 10. I have ideas for more
  2. This is a wonderful post by Riverbird that I want to remember. Source: Do you believe that you are loveable?
  3. Stand Up

    I wonder how I ever trusted any men, and how I kept trying. I guess I was so desperate, and brushed off the assaults as "not that bad" or that "I deserved it." I do not deserve to be tackled from behind and throw into a fence or hit. That is physical abuse. Why did I not see it that way? Why did I take that? It makes me really angry. I have spent my whole life "taking it" and not standing up for myself because I think I'm a bad person and don't deserve to be stood up for. I want to feel good about myself. I think now I feel that I wouldn't take physical abuse. Why would I then? I won't minimize this. Why would I let someone do that to me? And why would those people that were my "friends" stand by? I'm so glad I'm in a completely different place now. I have a husband that truly cares about me and would never physically hurt me. Sometimes I just get so angry about how terribly I've treated myself throughout my whole life because I didn't think I deserved any better. I still do it now in some ways, my heavy drinking being one of them. I am no longer just going to take shit from men! I am onto a new decade in my life, and this is going to be the time when I start standing up for myself to all people. I have wasted so much time allowing myself to be trampled on, but not anymore.
  4. Nightmares

    Recurring nightmares: - Travelling with my family and getting lost - Getting lost in my grandparents' old house; sometimes the house is haunted - Not knowing the routine before a high school dance routine - Forgetting to go to softball practice until halfway through the season - Forgetting to go to history, chemistry, and math until halfway through the semester It's like my dreams are frozen in time. I rarely have stress dreams related to recent events. Living at home and while going to school I was in constant stress. I have these five dreams almost exclusively.
  5. Stop Spiralling

    There is no need to make such a big deal of this. For one thing, it's her issue, not mine. There is no need to feel ashamed. This does not mean she doesn't like me anymore. I have done nothing wrong. I should not feel embarrassed. -------------------------- I am not going to make such a big deal of this. It's her issue, not mine. I am not ashamed. She still likes me. I have done nothing wrong. I am not embarrassed. --------------------------- Though, I am still hurt. And, in fact, I think it was rude of her. When someone says or does something that is rude and unwarranted to me, why do I shoulder the blame? I can't always try to please her or expect to always please her 100%, so why should I put so much effort into it? I did not deserve to feel this way all day, and should not worry about how she feels about me in this respect. Not pleasing someone does not always equal failure. In this case, I did not live up to her unrealistic expectations, and should, therefore, not feel bad about failing to do so. I feel like I am in a brutal battle with my brain right now. All I want to do is to submit to just feeling sad. Over and over again today, I have ruminated on this scenario, and in the process, have gotten angry or sad over and over again. I feel like I am just barely staying afloat over sinking into depression. I am set off so easily, but I'm not here to talk about that, and get to sadness via a different route of defeat. Focus on what is happening in my head right now. I am going to do it this time. I am not going to obsess over this. I am not going to bring it up to him tomorrow to try to make him make me feel better. This is going to come from within me this time, and I'm not going to submit. I'm not going to even think about this tomorrow. It has taken up more than enough of my mental energy. I don't need this pointless sadness in my life.
  6. I'm So Tired

    I'm so tired of saying yes to people all the time. To smiling at what they're saying to me. I'm sick of feeling guilty, of feeling obligated, of feeling like if I don't do something for someone, that someone won't like me. Why do I care? Why does everyone have to like me? I'm sick of it. And I'm going to stop spending my days and my nights worrying about what someone thinks of me. Why they don't like me. How dirty they think I am. I'm done. Even thinking about it I start dissociating. I can say no! I really can. I'm not going to live my life trying to please people. I am worth something. And I am worth standing up for.