foreriver1

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About foreriver1

  • Birthday 02/19/1962

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Reading, raising chickens, and I don't know what else because I haven't discovered me yet.
  1. Also as an added note I might even leave something on my counters. Or leave a coffee maker out or even a toaster. Because they are completely bare you would think the kitchen is never used when in reality there are 7 people living here. And I just run around making it look perfect 24/7.
  2. Feel alive

    I feel so alive after my T today. WOW you have no idea. I feel like so many light bulbs lit up I should be blind. Why didn't I see the simple reasons I do things the way. Now to work on this weeks goals. I can hardly wait. Let go of the reins a little and realize my world wont collapse if there is dust on floor or heaven forbid a spot on a window. Because I have never cared about that. What I cared about was I thought someone would think I wasn't perfect. No one really cares that much. I might even hang a picture or two on my perfect walls that have never so much as had one nail put in them because then they wouldn't be perfect. I can let go a little I can take a breath and not panic over someone with think this or that or in reality what I perceive them to be thinking when in honesty they probably don't think anything about it. I don't have to be perfect there is no such thing and to try and control ever single aspect of my house is just trying to control the one thing I have thought I could since I had no control in other things. It is no way to live. Letting go will be a slow process but one I look forward to. HOORAY for me today!
  3. heading to my T

    After a week long of breaking down and crying at everything today I finally get to see my T today. So much is on my plate its not right one person should carry so much. On my way and after yesterdays panic attack about even going to see her this morning I can't wait to get there.
  4. Thank you bellachai you always make me smile well ok a couple of tears first but then can regain my smile. Thank you so very much. Going to see my T in 30 mins. Need some insight that is just escaping me on my own.
  5. just need a hug

    Feel so out of it for a couple weeks. Last week when I saw my T I thought all my troubles were lifted. Only to be right back were I was and even further down. So much has been going on with mom sick and I am trying to heal and I can't when I have to put all the existence I have left into that. There is nothing left of me. I am alone in myself no one gets it no one understands some try to help but only make it worse. There is nothing left I am gone. Like the child I was trying to work on the one I was trying to save and bring back. She is gone. There is no coming back for that little lost girl. Her time has ended she will never be who she could have been.
  6. just need a hug

    Feel so out of it for a couple weeks. Last week when I saw my T I thought all my troubles were lifted. Only to be right back were I was and even further down. So much has been going on with mom sick and I am trying to heal and I can't when I have to put all the existence I have left into that. There is nothing left of me. I am alone in myself no one gets it no one understands some try to help but only make it worse. There is nothing left I am gone. Like the child I was trying to work on the one I was trying to save and bring back. She is gone. There is no coming back for that little lost girl. Her time has ended she will never be who she could have been.
  7. just need a hug

    Feel so out of it for a couple weeks. Last week when I saw my T I thought all my troubles were lifted. Only to be right back were I was and even further down. So much has been going on with mom sick and I am trying to heal and I can't when I have to put all the existence I have left into that. There is nothing left of me. I am alone in myself no one gets it no one understands some try to help but only make it worse. There is nothing left I am gone. Like the child I was trying to work on the one I was trying to save and bring back. She is gone. There is no coming back for that little lost girl. Her time has ended she will never be who she could have been.
  8. Thanks needed the encouragement. I am so scared but know this has to be done.
  9. I did it!

    I met today with a woman for the support group. She told me I wasn't ready for that but that they had free one on one counseling and so we met for an hour and now I will start meeting with her every week. I am so excited I actually did it.
  10. scared for tomorrow

    I am meeting with the woman tomorrow morning at 9am to find out if I am "READY" for a support group. I am scared to death right now. First I still am in a cast with my broken leg. So I have to have my 24 yr old son drive me most of the way. We will go to my moms apartment and he will get out there and go hang out with her and then I will have to drive the rest of the way with my leg over the consul and sitting in the passenger seat. So I will be nervous about my driving I have done it a few times but just to the corner store never very far. I am not ready to explain to my son. I don't want him to know where I am going. Just going to counseling to help me is enough for him. Unfortunately there is a huge sign on the front of this building that says Peace River Rape Crisis Center. WTH don't these people know your already in crisis and now you feel like every car driving by is looking at you. You would think they could be a little more discreet. Them I am a wreck about being accepted. What if she says I am not ready for a group. Well the group is free. I can't afford counseling privately even with health insurance. What happens to me if she says no? Do I just go back to doing my workbook and hope I get there some day.? Damn it it has taken so much of my life already!!!! I am 50 yrs old now and what happened to me from when I was 4 or 5 till I was in high school has taken so much from me. When will it end? Will it ever end? Why won't it just go away like it does from time to time but NEVER come back. I am sick and tired of this.
  11. Your a survivor! YOU belong. I am afraid I might trigger someone too. I haven't said all I want and need to say. But I am starting to learn as you are that I can not control someone else's trigger point. But I can share and I can comment and they can or don't have to read it. If you feel the need want or urge to post please do. Doesn't matter to me if your a male or not what matters to me that you survived.
  12. Meeting with a counselor

    I did it. With the support and urging of my friend I stopped playing the game that I can't find counseling here in my area. That everything is in Tampa or St. Petersburg at the very least a 45 mile trip and transportation is always an issue. I called the only place I could find the rape crisis and recovery center here in town. I thought they would be able to help me find a support group for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I had no idea that they run one. I will meet with the woman on the 27th so she can determine if I am ready for a support group yet. The meetings are Tues from 6 to 7 pm. I am scared but I know I can do this. It has been 45 yrs since the abuse started and probably 33 yrs since it stopped. I have been dealing with this on my own for so long. I never do anything but put on band-aids or suppress it till it no longer hurts. Always figured if I didn't let it over take my life I was in control. Never took the time or had the understanding that it did take over my life and that is why my walls never come down. That that is why I do and did the things I did in my life. Let people run my life and never stand up for myself no matter what the situation. Never let me become who I should have always been. I hope this meeting goes well I am afraid maybe she will say I am not ready. What will that mean to me that I am hopeless. That I am not good enough. I don't know. Just to damn scared to think of that part of it. Because then what will I do?
  13. Going to bed at night.

    I remember as a little girl getting ready for bed. Mom would once in awhile be able to make it upstairs to tuck me in or help me get ready for bed. When she was having me get ready for bed she would always tell me I shouldn't sleep in underwear. We always wore night gowns which I also hated. I wanted to sleep in pajama bottoms and underwear. But anyhow she would either tell me that or have me take them off. I remember now the terror and anguish that would bring me. I knew if I took off my underwear then that was the reason my brother molested me. I thought that my underwear could protect me. I thought that if I took them off I was asking for him to come in my room. I thought that if I took them off then that meant I was dirty, I was nasty, I wanted it, I was asking for him to come. How could one little pair of underwear have me thinking I would be OK that nothing would happen to me. If I didn't remove them nothing would happen during the night. Every time she made me take them off I felt dirty, I felt nasty, I felt like it was my fault, I was the one to blame when it happened, I was asking him to come. If she would only see how much that scared me. If she only knew how sick I felt when those words would come out of her mouth. If she only understood that I felt she was setting me up. That I was the sacrificial lamb being put up for slaughter. Why couldn't she see? How could she not know? Why wasn't there underwear that couldn't be taken off by anyone? Why couldn't she protect me?
  14. I am so proud of you! Yes maybe you didn't or don't want him to come. But you know the only way you can see your daughter is if he is there. It is more important to see your daughter than to put up a wall that maybe she is not in a position to hurtle either or yet. Maybe she would love to come without him. But can't yet due to where she is in her life. Perhaps not I don't know. You might be feeling it is a compromise and that she is blackmailing you perhaps he is blackmailing her as well and she can only come if he does. What ever the case you get to see your daughter. I know how hard it is to stand up to our mothers. And to have the courage and conviction to stand up to her shows how much your daughter means to you. You have done what you needed to do and that is a good thing. Be proud that you had the capacity and tenacity to figure out a way to have a visit with your daughter. It doesn't matter what either your mom or Mr. Faker think...You get a week with your daughter. You have won this battle.
  15. Afraid to write today.

    Just finished my reading for today. Now for my writing assignment... I am supposed to spend 10 mins writing "I remember" Well that might cover 1 day but definitely not 12 yrs or more of sexual abuse. I have never forgotten I have always known. It lasted my entire childhood from my first memories till I moved away. Then I am supposed to spend 10 mins writing "I don't remember" What is there not to remember? I have always remembered I have always known. There are seldom flashes of new discoveries in my life story. And if there are they are so insignificant what does it matter in the whole scheme of things. Then I am supposed to draw a floor plan. I already know all this I grew up there. I know what it looks like. I know exactly where everything took place all the time.... What is the point?????????? Why will this help???????? How could this make anything better???????????????????